To live again
by assassi
Summary: "It was worth a few drops of blood if we would finally become closer and start acting like real partners, right?" Izumo/Kotetsu. AU! Yaoi. Fluff. Angst. Hurt/Comfort. Humor.
1. Chapter 1 Smoothly

**A.N.** So, this is my new story, one of the Izumo/Kotetsu fics I was talking about. It's gonna be multichaptered, but not as long as "Talk to me". It's an AU, in a bit more modern Konoha, and the guys are policemen. Story is written from Kotetsu's POV. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask. Hope you like; here it is!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto and its characters, only this little fic! ;)

Chapter 1 – Smoothly

The sky was covered in dark gray clouds when I arrived at the main gate of the city. Konoha. So that's where they transferred me. _Why_ they transferred me was another question…

The guys at the gates eyed me coldly.

"Welcome to Konoha. Name and reason for coming.", one of them spat out.

"Det. Hagane Kotetsu. I am being transferred from Suna.", I replied.

The guy pulled out some device with a touch-screen, entered the site of the police and asked again:

"Badge number?"

"3536537", I said. The guy entered it and almost immediately nodded.

"Welcome to Konoha, det. Hagane.", he cold guy said. His colleague however smiled to me and nodded to my bike.

"Nice ride. Yamaha?"

"Kawazaki Ninja", I winked, putting on the speed.

I didn't take my time sightseeing – I wasn't here as a tourist, I'd eventually come to know the town enough to make my way through it, since I was forced to live here. I wasn't forced to like it though. I wondered if my apartment was ready – I'd booked it through the internet, so I hoped it was ok. Well, I guessed I'd see in a few hours…

I pulled over at the parking of Police Station № 7, eyeing the grey old building. Tch… boring. Or maybe I was just prejudiced – I already hated the place. Why? It wasn't my home. It was a punishment… for being who I am…

I took one last long (and longing) stare at my black and acid-green beauty – if somebody touched my bike, no matter if they were to be a colleague of mine here, I'd break their neck! I was just going to turn around to face my punishment again, when someone said:

"Detective Hagane, I presume?"

I finally did turn around. Hmmmm… maybe… just maybe… I'd find something good in all that mess…

Such as that fine ass, clad in some pretty tight jeans, and that body, clad in just as tight black T-shirt, that looked like it was made for showing those muscles underneath it. The body had a face too – and what a face! The guy had high cheekbones, straight nose, deep blue eyes and long black hair with some bright red locks, pulled in a ponytail. He was smirking, one eyebrow raised as he caught me staring.

"Just Kotetsu", I muttered. The smirk widened a bit.

"I'm Reiji", he said, hand reaching out to shake mine. I answered the gesture and followed him as he walked inside the police station.

"The guys at the gate called so I went to meet you and show you around. So, this is where we work… I don't know how it was in Suna, but here we work in one big room and all the desks are there…"

"I ain't gonna use mine that much anyway…", I muttered. Reiji only chuckled.

"That's the captain's office", he motioned towards a simple looking door, then towards another one. "The special unit's room; don't go there, they're insane…"

"Huh?"

"Well, most of us here are crazy but those guys are just creepy. Don't put us in the same place – there are policemen and there are ANBU."

"ANBU?"

"The special unit's name. They walk around freely, but when they have a mission they wear masks; so basically no one ever knows who exactly is behind the mask. Might be the guy you talked to yesterday… Anyway, they don't talk with us that much, mostly between themselves."

Reiji made a gesture for me follow him again and walked before me in the long corridor, making himself quite the sight for sore eyes... Suddenly he chuckled.

"Are you checking out my ass, detective?", Reiji asked playfully.

"Is that a problem?", I asked innocently.

Reiji snorted. "If you're asking me if the guys will make it a problem that a colleague of theirs… swings the other way, then – no. They won't, I can guarantee you that. I know it's an issue in most police departments, but not here. And if you're asking whether you have a chance with me, then – no, I'm straight…"

I nodded "Good to know."

Reiji chuckled again, shaking his head, hands on the double doors in front of us – he just pushed them and said.

"So – main room. OUR main room."

It _was_ big alright. And the number of the desks made my head spin. I saw a few guys typing like crazy on the keyboards – were they that strict about reports being on time here? If so – I was lost… Some other guys however were chatting freely, laughing by the vending machine. I even saw two guys throwing a baseball ball. Normal looking guys…

And that's when I saw _him_.

He wore a casket, backwards, and half of his face was hidden by dark-honey-colored hair. He was smiling amicably to the colleague he was talking with, hands in his jeans' pockets. Said jeans hung low on his slim hips, he wore sneakers. Under the unbuttoned short-sleeved shirt was a T-shirt of a hard-rock band. Heh… exactly my type of guy.

I heard the chuckle and turned to face a grinning Reiji, looking in that guy's direction as well.

"Good luck with him!", Reiji snorted.

"Why, he's not…?"

"Oh, he is. He just doesn't date. Ever."

I smirked cockily. "He'll date _me_. … What's his name again?"

Reiji laughed again, but answered anyway.

"Izumo. Kamizuki Izumo…", Reiji's gaze suddenly went to the parking lot, through the window, and his smile faded away. "But seeing your vehicle, you really have no chance with him… "

I was about to ask why, when a deafening yell almost broke my ear-drums.

"KAMIZUKI! MY OFFICE! NOW!"

He turned in our direction; his visible eye was deep brown, almost black. He started walking towards us (since the voice came from behind us), not looking as if he was in a hurry. He actually looked like couldn't give a damn.

"New guy, you too!",the voice roared again.

"Uh-oh…", Reiji said, then looked at me again and repeated "Good luck with him!", almost solemnly.

Izumo walked by me and entered the captain's office. I moved to follow him too. Reiji grabbed my arm and we stared at each other.

"A word of advice – do never argue with the captain!"

I nodded, a bit taken aback, entering the office as well. The sign on the door said "Cap. Namiashi Raidou". The guy behind the desk was a big man, tall and heavily-built. He had a scar on the right cheek, as if the skin was burnt, and he looked pissed off.

"Hagane Kotetsu – Kamizuki Izumo. Izumo – Kotetsu. Starting today you'll be partners. Now get the hell outta here!", he just said.

"Wha-", I started, but couldn't finish…

"I don't have partners! There's no way I…", Izumo looked even more pissed off now, and somehow… hurt.

That's when I understood why one should never argue with the captain.

"I SAID HE'S YOUR PARTNER NOW, KAMIZUKI! IT'S AN ORDER, I'M YOUR FUCKIN' CAPTAIN, AND YOU'LL DO AS I SAY IF YOU WANNA WORK HERE! DID I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR DETECTIVE!", the captain, Namiashi Raidou, yelled.

"…Yes, sir.", Izumo gulped, fists clenched hard beside his body.

That's when I understood how important this job was for Izumo…

He really didn't want to work with me. Hell, he didn't even wanna see me! And if his words, expression and clenched fists hadn't showed that already, he made it absolutely clear when we were out of the office. He turned around and hissed.

"I work alone. I don't care what the captain said, just don't get in my way and we'll be alright."

And then he walked away, leaving me dumbfounded.

So, first day at my new working place, my new colleagues and my new life with my new partner who already hated me. Yeah… went "smoothly".


	2. Chapter 2 Getting to know them

**A.N.** Sorry for making you guys wait, but those of you, who I correspond with know I'm having lectures for the next two weeks, so updating will take longer. I am constantly tired, but I tried to look this chapter through. Hope u like!

Chapter 2 – Getting to know them

He was typing something on the keyboard, eyes concentrated on the monitor. The monitor itself was a piece of art – it had stickers with the logos of rock bands and some that looked like original artwork, mostly eyes and graffiti-styled stuff.

Izumo wore a headscarf today, all black except for the small badge, nicely saying "Fuck off!". The tresses that usually hid half of his face were pulled behind his ear now, as to not get in the way while he was working. The grey hoodie had a logo of a band I hadn't heard of – "Sharingan" , the logo being a red circle with three coma-looking-like black things arranged in another circle in the middle.

"You're staring at me. Don't.", Izumo suddenly said, not looking away from the monitor.

"You're not giving me much of a choice. What am I supposed to do?"

"What did you do in Suna?"

I averted my eyes and in the same time felt his eyes finally on my face – he knew he got me, but he didn't say anything.

"Find something to arrange on your desk", he suggested.

"Why? So I can feel more home? This ain't my home…"

"And what is it?"

"…Punishment."

"What for?"

I looked at him and he looked back. I smirked.

"For being what I am. Don't play these tricks on me, pal, I'm in this game too. I know it when my own so-called partner interrogates me."

Izumo's eyes turned back on the monitor.

Reiji chose that moment to appear and save me.

"Coffee?", he asked, placing a cardboard cup on my desk, smiling warmly. He then sat on my desk, turning his back to Izumo (our desks were back to back so we can face each other like partners do when they communicate, doing their job. How sweet…).

"Hey, how was your apartment?", Reiji asked.

"Shitty.", I simply answered, sipping from my coffee. Ah, black coffee. I really liked that Reiji…

"Why's that?", Reiji asked again.

"I have a roommate", I smirked a little.

"Is that so?", Reiji took the bait. "A man or a woman?"

"A rat.", I grinned, satisfied to see Reiji chocking with his coffee. I thought I even saw a faint smirk on Izumo's face. "Spent the night chasing the little fucker…"

"Jeez, why didn't you call?", Reiji asked.

"Uuum, cuz I don't know your number and uuuum, why, you would have come save the poor innocent detective from the evil rat?", I grinned wider.

Reiji laughed heartily. Again, Izumo's face looked like he tried, very hard, to suppress his own laugher.

"Actually the place isn't so bad, don't imagine some hellish hole. It's actually clean and I have the feeling that that rat was the last roomer's pet.", I said.

"Why?", Reiji frowned.

"Well, except that the place is too clean for rats and I intend to keep it that way as to not breed more rats, … that one's white."

"What?.!", Reiji exclaimed.

"Yeah, you should have seen it – running about like a ghost…"

"Tch, I didn't know ghosts were running about…", Izumo pointed out.

"Well, mine does. Wanna come see it?", I grinned.

The faintest blush colored Izumo's cheeks before he spat out a "NO!"

"Whatever…", I sighed.

"So, what are you doing after work?", Reiji asked.

"I'm not even sure what I'm doing AT work…", I muttered and Reiji laughed again.

"We're going out tonight, our room… It'll be a good chance for the guys to get to know you and you – them. So, you coming?"

"Sure, where?"

"Izumo knows. I'm sure he's got no problem bringing you with himself.", Reiji smiled sweetly at Izumo's frowning face.

"…Fine. Only cuz I can't say no to you and you damn well know that!"

Reiji's grin grew wider. "See you guys tonight!", he sang, walking away.

* * *

><p>We went with his car, the one we also used to do our job (or so we were supposed to) – a black Mustang. I didn't even suggest taking my bike – I didn't have an extra helmet and there was no way Izumo would put his arms around me to remain on the bike, while I drove (not that I'd mind said arms around me).<p>

Izumo drove, both of us not saying a word. In my case it was stubbornness – I'd made an effort, let's see how he'd try to break the ice.

"Reiji seems to like you", he finally said.

"Hn", was my comment.

"… Don't screw things up with him."

"Not that I planned to screw things up with the only one I know here, who talks to me, but… why? You'd come beat me?"

"… He's a close friend of mine. Not just a colleague. Got it?"

I decided to not comment this.

"Where are we going anyway?", I asked.

"Spade". It's a bar, where mostly policemen go."

"Hm…", I nodded, then smirked. "I like the song."*

Izumo tried to fight his smile again. He knew which song I was talking about.

"Come oooon. Just say you like it to.", I grinned.

"…"

"… Don't push it then.", I lifted my hands I defeat.

When we arrived at the club, all the guys were already there. I knew almost all the faces, but only a few names. They all cheered when they saw us.

"Come on, did you walk all the way to the bar?", Reiji snorted. "Come on, sit, sit!"

More beers came, brought by a tough guy, obviously named Lock; I'd have to ask Reiji for his real name and the story behind that nickname.

"Hey, Lock, come on, man!"

"Comin'! There are other customers too, alright!"

Almost all of us turned around like little kids to see who those other customers were. The other bigger table was taken by another group of guys. I'd seen some of those faces somewhere…

"Tch, so ANBU comes here as well", one of our guys, Hiroshi, said.

"Yeah, I'm kinda surprised they don't consider this place under their level", Reiji snorted.

The guys from the other table regarded us coldly, but luckily Lock came around with the drinks before one of the two companies decided the other looked at them the wrong way.

Anyway, Lock also brought us some snacks and the conversation(s) went on easily.

"… And that's when the guy said "Sir, the service for that model is on the corner of "Namikaze Str." and "Sarutobi Blvd." But I thought here was the service for the whole brand, I said. And that dude just goes on "Yes, but your model's service is on the corner of…."

"At first I didn't get a thing either", the guy next to me said, smiling. "I'm also not from here."

I tried to remember his name from when he had introduced himself. Iruka. Right, Umino Iruka.

"Kirigakure?", I asked. He chuckled.

"The name makes it pretty obvious, right? Yeah, I'm from the Land of Water. When I first got here, that was five months ago, I felt pretty lost. But… after some time you get used to it. Give it a chance, you might even like it here."

"… Iruka… Do you know why Izumo didn't want a partner? I mean, has he always been like that or…"

"… His partner died in his arms, Kotetsu."

"I… oh. Damn."

"And that's all you'll hear from me. I suggest you don't ask him either. Yet. If it was meant to be, if you come closer and become real partners… he'll tell you one day."

"… I don't know, Iruka. We hardly even talk. How am I supposed to get to know him?"

"All in time, my friend. Don't give up so easily", he smiled. I smiled back.

"And how about you, Iruka? How did a guy like you ended up here?"

He laughed. "Wow, was that the corniest pick up line or what?"

I laughed too, but then he suddenly became serious. "We all have our past… and punishments for lessons learnt… Isn't that right, detective?", he said, a sad, dark smile on his face.

I was about to say something, but Iruka only yelled "Lock! Beer!" and that put an end to all discussions. The next few hours are one big blur in my head. There was more alcohol, and not only beer, and toasts, like "For those, who are not here with us tonight!", "For duty!", "For Lock!" and many others, getting more and more stupid as we got more and more drunk.

Sometime into the night I remember helping a very drunk Iruka to the restrooms – he was leaning on me, all the time murmuring "K't'su, I don't f'l good…" I would have been funny if I wasn't pretty much the same. We must have tripped, I could barely hold myself up, not talking about Iruka. Luckily, two strong hands grabbed him and straitened him and a deep voice asked:

"You ok?"

If I hadn't seen him at the police station – he was one of those ANBU guys, who were now sitting around the next table, I would have decided I was so drunk that I hallucinated. He wore a ninja mask, damn it! He also had silver hair, a natural color, judging by his eyebrows, also silver, and was max 30! He had one grey eye and one red, a vertical scar running across the red one. You'd understand why I doubted my vision.

"Y-Yes, t'nk you…"

"Kakashi", he smiled, something visible even through the mask, hiding the lower half of his face.

What was that mask for!.?

"S-Sorry…!", Iruka muttered, hand on his mouth, running, as straight as he could, to the restroom. That Kakashi guy turned to me.

"How 'bout you, you ok?"

"'m good…", I said confidently, just in the moment my legs gave way under me and I swayed to the floor as well. Another pair of arms grabbed me; it wasn't Kakashi's. I wanted to see who it was, but my eyes just closed on their own…

I woke up in my apartment in the morning, crushing my alarm clock, standing up from my bed with the worst hangover I'd ever had! I never understood who saved me from falling on the floor and brought me back to my place…

**A.N.** Well, review to share a (nice ;D) opinion ^^. *****"Spade" is a song by Marilyn Manson.


	3. Chapter 3 Principles

**A.N.** ... Tired. But still posting. Love me, guys, cuz I do!

Chapter 3 - Principles

I had a lousy morning – I'd left my bike on the PD's parking lot last night so I had to take the bus to work that morning, the noise just cracking my aching skull even more. My darkest sunglasses didn't help all that much as the bright morning sun decided to torture me as well, after the coffee machine in my apartment decided to not work this very morning – I suspected the rat had something to do with that, chewing on the wires.

I stepped in the police station, in our room, and was greeted by obnoxiously grinning Reiji, who sang happily:

"Good morning, Princess!"

"… Fuck off, Rei.", I muttered for his delight as he chuckled cheerfully. I was about to throw something at him, when he handled me my coffee and that calmed me down immediately. Today, another cup of coffee was served to Izumo as well.

"Here, hot with sugar and cream", Reiji said, placing the paper cup in front of Izumo.

"Thanks, Rei, I owe you…", Izumo groaned.

He also wore dark sunglasses and looked like a zombie. When our eyes, well, more like sunglasses met, he just shook his head and said:

"Don't say nothing…."

"Good song"*, I said anyway and he smiled a bit.

"So, I guess you went home safely last night…", Izumo said out of the blue.

"You could say that. I woke up in my own bed. Have no idea who left me there…", I confessed.

"Hn.", was the only reply I got. But he looked … relieved.

"Also, in the club, I was about to fall to the floor, when someone caught me. Did you see who it was?", I asked.

"…No."

Something wasn't quite right with his answers, but I didn't have time to question him more as Reiji flew back into the room and yelled:

"There's a firing at "Maple Str.", they just called all units! Guys, it's Iruka!"

Damn! But of course one of the few guys I got along well with here will get himself into trouble!

Izumo and I jumped from our desks, hangover was forgotten as we rushed to the car. He took the driver's seat again, but I didn't object as long as we got there fast enough. It was too soon for me to feel like I gotta help "one of our own", but I knew I gotta help a friend.

Izumo was a very good driver and the car suited him well – sports car for a guy, who could be a drifter and participate in competitions. If I hadn't been that worried for Iruka, I'd have taken more time to just watch him, pushing the gas pedal and the breaks in just the right moments, a strong hand firmly on the gearshift, changing gears. The other hand, grasping the steering wheel, was turning it with ease; his face was concentrated on the road – and that was good, considering the fact he was driving with over 80 mph!

Other units were already there or just entering the bloody scene, like us. I saw Reiji and his partner, Inoichi, jumping out of their car and almost immediately taking positions behind it. Reiji rose up and aimed, trying to get a clear view, but couldn't, and in the same time a rain of bullets was aimed towards him.

"Reiji, lie down!", Izumo shouted, bent down next to me.

"Zumo, Iruka!", Reiji answered and my eyes went back on the center of the mess.

Iruka lied in the middle of the street, badly bleeding, clutching a wound on his stomach. Beside me Izumo cursed loudly… and my whole world spun around.

Izumo jumped up from behind our cover and started running towards Iruka. I saw it like it was happening in slow motion – Izumo running, the bullets ricocheting all around him… a guy with a shotgun, popping up from nowhere … I stood up and ran after my stupid partner…

I threw myself on Izumo's back, pushing him on the ground, just in time before the rain of bullets fell.

"Get the…", he started.

"Stay down!", I yelled, hearing another, different sound of shooting. I lifted my head just a little bit. And gaped.

Three guys, fully armed, with white and red masks were jumping right in the middle of the whole mess, like some crazy kamikazes. And when I say "jumping" I mean it – not from the sky, but like some crazy rabbits or as if their soldier boots had some kind of springs. Their movements were unbelievable, impossible, almost ninja-like, no one could jump like that, from one car to another, to a trash container, to a fucking street lamp!, all the time holding a shotgun or two or a katana! I swear, one of them, wielded a katana!

So… these were those ANBU guys…

I saw three of them, but they must have been at least four, because the crazy bastards, that had started this, were going down one by one, some not even touched by those three, so I figured there was at least one sniper somewhere in the nearby buildings.

Then, just like that, it was all over, the silence feeling deafening after all that shooting. For a moment, nothing and no one moved.

Then, Izumo fidgeted.

"Get off me…", he mumbled.

This time I complied, standing up and wincing a bit from the pain in my left side. Izumo got up as well, turned around to face me and frowned.

"You're bleeding…", he stated.

I inspected the wound on my arm. "Just a scratch…", I said.

"No, baka, you're bleeding!", he screamed, now wide eyed, pushing my T-shirt up to uncover a nasty wound on my left side. His eyes turned even wider, he looked terrified. I frowned.

"Hey, it's not that bad…"

"SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!", he screamed.

"Zumo, it's not that bad, buddy, don't freak out!", _he_ was scaring _me_. He took off his own T-shirt (… _fuck…. I want him…._) and pressed it to my wound.

"Just… press here, ok… I… I have to stop the bleeding…", he looked totally freaked out.

"Izumo… Izumo, listen to me! I'm ok, I promise…. Ok? Go see Iruka, he's…"

"He's taken care of…", he bit back, eyes not leaving my stomach. I took a look at Iruka's direction, only to see one of the ANBU team bent down next to him, pressing a cloth to his wound as well.

Strange. I thought I saw the masked guy's hands trembling…

I didn't have time to worry about Iruka – he was gonna be ok. Izumo on the other hand…

He was hyperventilating, he looked panicked.

"Izumo…", I tried to soothe him again. "I. Am. Fine."

"Shut up, idiot! I am not loosing another one! I am **so** not loosing another partner!", he growled.

I tried not to smile. Partner. Finally he was seeing me as a partner.

"WHERE'S THE FUCKIN' AMBULANCE!", he roared.

Heh… it was worth a few drops of blood if we would finally become closer and start acting like real partners, right? Right. Definitely.

My head suddenly felt light and my knees felt weak. Huh… maybe it wasn't just a few drops, the blood loss? Ah, he'd freak out again… If I could just… keep my eyes open for a little longer…

Nah… wouldn't be able.

"S-sorry, Zumo…"

"What? No, no, no, no, stay with me, Kotetsu, keep your eyes open, baka! Kotetsu!"

Ah, what a drag. He'd kick my ass after I get out of the hospital…

**A.N.** Hope you liked, review to let me know :) / *Song: The Roots - Don't say nothing. Kiddos, now THAT WAS RAP! Not your sissy Lil Wayne or something...


	4. Chapter 4 Hospitals and dreams

**A.N.** Aaah, it's been a while... My lectures are over now, so here's another piece of "To live again" :)

Chapter 4 – Hospitals and dreams

I woke up at the hospital – I knew it was a hospital by the smell. One can never mistake it for something else; and I have smelled it more than just a few times. I waited till my eyes adapted to the light, blinking, and looked around. A man was dozing off on the chair beside my bed.

Unfortunately, it wasn't the man I wanted… to see.

Reiji felt my eyes on him and shifted, his own eyes focusing on me. He smiled sleepily.

"Hey, Sleeping Beauty…", he grinned.

"… and here I thought you weren't into guys…", I snorted.

Reiji laughed. I tried to sit. Bad idea – my left side hurt like a bitch. I tried to stifle the moan of pain, but Reiji heard it.

"You've got 15 stitches.", he informed me.

I huffed indefinitely.

"How's he?", I asked. Reiji snorted loudly.

"I just told you have 15 stitches and you ask how's _he_?"

"Reiji…", I warned.

He shook his head.

"He's… fine."

"How bad?"

"Huh? How bad what?"

"I know he freaked out; how bad?"

"…He's… sensitive when it comes to this. His partner…"

"Yeah… Iruka told me something about it. He died in his arms?"

Reiji nodded curtly. "Izumo's just… well, for a moment he thought history was gonna repeat itself…"

"Fuck… Where is he?"

"… The captain came to order him to go home. He kinda slept here… for the last two days."

"Two days?.!", now it was me, who was freaking out. Reiji only nodded.

Damn. He must have been on edge this whole time. We'd have to talk about this…

But now…

"You should rest", Reiji said. I only nodded, or so I think, before sleep overcame me and the darkness engulfed me.

* * *

><p>When I woke up again, it was to go to the restroom. It was sometime in the middle of the night, judging by the darkness outside and the eerily quiet and empty hospital. Not really knowing where the bathrooms were, I crept outta my room, slowly, wincing from the stitches. I limped down the hall, when I suddenly heard the muffle voices. My ears perked and I went closer to hear them better.<p>

"You went against the rules back then, Kakashi. You know that…"

Kakashi? What the…?

I peeked around the corner. That strange masked guy, Kakashi, stood in front of Iruka's hospital room with another one of those ANBU guys. Asuma, I think – he was the one scolding Kakashi.

"I helped a colleague", Kakashi argued.

"You stayed behind", Asuma pointed out. "ANBU-s don't help the regular policemen. Not like that. Not like you did. We come, kill the enemy and go back. No staying back to help the wounded."

"Well, forgive me for being human for once instead of just a soldier", Kakashi said bitterly.

Asuma frowned. "Do you even hear yourself? Helping a colleague? Being a human, not just a soldier? Since when, Kakashi? Since when do you give a fuck about anyone, much less one, who's not even from our team?"

Kakashi averted his mismatched eyes. Asuma didn't let go.

"… We all know Umino Iruka's not just a colleague for you, Kakashi. So don't give me that noble speech, alright? And… no matter how things are for the regular policemen… this… affection of yours, will not be tolerated in ANBU. And I don't mean the guys, we don't give a damn who you wanna fuck. It's Yuhi and the others above her you'll have to face."

Kakashi snorted and made a face – as if he was both hurt and challenging Asuma.

"So what – you're telling me not to hide it, but not to show it either?"

"… I'm telling you to think about what exactly you feel and is it worth it. You've had your fair share of one-night stands and other fooling around, we all have. This now may not be like that. I'm just telling you to make up your mind about it."

It was all Kakashi could do to nod curtly.

I moved back, my back to the wall. Maybe they weren't just killing machines after all. Maybe there was always and everywhere more than what catches the eye.

* * *

><p>When I woke up again I saw the one I was waiting for ever since I first opened my eyes at the hospital.<p>

Izumo sat by the slightly open window; he looked tired, something I could see even though his face was turned down. He was smoking.

I grinned. "Last time I checked smoking at the hospital was forbidden", I said, voice hoarse from the sleep.

"Been here a lot?", he asked quietly, voice dark and kinda tired; he still hadn't looked up.

"Well…", I started, but got interrupted by his quiet dark voice again.

"Don't ever do this again." Izumo finally looked up and I saw the dark crescents under his eyes, the skin of his face looked paler and a bit greenish-grey. He was the one looking sick. But I couldn't tell him this, I couldn't cause he said, again with this quiet voice. "Don't ever do this to me again."

Something inside me wanted to say "I'm sorry", but my stubborn self pointed out "Well, you're alive, right? Complaining much?"

He suddenly was next to me, grabbing the hems of my hospital gown, the smoke from his cigarette almost choking me.

"Not at this cost!", he gritted out, looking a bit crazy. "What if you'd died!.?"

We stated at each other. "I'm not gonna lie to you, Zumo", I said, voice serious. "I'd do it again. This is what I believe in. I'd die to save my partner, but also I'd do everything I can not to put him at the same position."

His grip loosened, his eyes turned sad.

"You're just like him…", he whispered, then dropped the edges of the gown, walking back to the window, his back turned to me, hand running nervously through his hair. He looked up to the sky and I heard him whispering "Why are you doing this to me?"

Silence settled in the room for a while, so I finally asked, mostly to distract him "When are they letting me out?"

"Today, after a check-up", he said, voice still a bit hollow. He then turned to finally face me again. "You're supposed to be on work tomorrow, I'll pick you up at 8."

"I can drive, you know. Have my licence and own a …"

"I don't give a rat's ass, be ready at 8 tomorrow or I'll kick you otta you bed and into my car!"

I chuckled, purposefully lewdly. "I do prefer my bed instead of the backseat and I want diner first.", I was rewarded to see him madly blushing, then I added thoughtfully "And, talking about rat's asses, I wonder if he's ok…."

"He?"

"The rat."

"Oh, you're friends now", Izumo nodded with mock understanding.

"Well, yeah, he's quiet and understanding and doesn't object all that I say."

His face suddenly became serious.

"… Sorry about that."

"Hm?"

"For being so… difficult. I'm sorry. I'll try more, ok?"

My eyebrow rose, I knew I was making a face.

"…Okaaay… I guess?"

He snorted. "Let's get you home, rat boy"

* * *

><p>I had a dream about him that night. A very, very wet dream. I've always found my imagination both a good thing… and a curse.<p>

"Tetsu…", he moaned, writhing under me, his body twisting like he was in heat. My lips traced his neck, up to his ear… his skin was so soft… smooth… I bit lightly on his ear. "Ah!", he gasped. I smirked next to his ear, tracing the shell with my tongue. "Fuuuu-..!", he breathed. So responsive… My mouth not leaving his ear, my fingers teased the hardened nipples of his bare chest…

"Tetsu, come oooon!", he whined. His legs opened wider, encasing me… I had to swallow dryly, before I could grin and tease him…

"Hmmm…? What, Zumo? What do you want from me?"

It was his turn to grin; his hand traveled down my body – his fingers lightly ghosting over my pecks, my abs… lower… He grabbed me through my pants, making me gasp loudly, then he started massaging me.

"Hah… Z-Zumo…"

His grin became wider; he pulled my cock out of its confinement… and stroked. Not being able to stop myself, I moaned loudly, my eyes closing on their own.

"Ah, Zumo!"

"Let me out too… Undress me, Tetsu…"

Ah, how quickly his pants were undone and on the floor… And, ah, the view under them!

And just like the tempter he was, he opened his legs wider… wider… I could see his puckered hole… waiting to be filled…

"Come on, Tetsu…"

"I… lube…", I tried to think straight.

"No lube… take me dry…"

"N-no, Zumo… I can't…"

"Just do it slowly… come on, babe…"

"Zumo…"

"Por favor, mi amor…"

What the…? Spanish? He spoke Spanish?.! Oh, dear Kami….!

"Say it again…!"

"Mi amor…", he whispered passionately.

Fuck! I'm lost!

"Te quiero, Tetsu…"

Fuuuuuuck!

Already feeling at my limit, I slid all the way inside him, slowly like he begged me to. His head fell back on the pillow, baring his neck, his back arching up to me, his eyes fluttered closed…

"Ooooh! Hah… yeah… Don't stop, just… move, Tetsu, please…"

"Say it in Spanish!"

"Sigue! Ah! Haaah!"

"Así está bien?", I grinned.

"Hah…aaaah! Si, muy bien!", he screamed.

A few more thrusts… that's all both of us could last, before the world crushed to pieces all around us. I was screaming, he was screaming…

My alarm clock was screaming…

Fuck.

I needed a shower. Preferably _before_ he came to kick me outta my bed!

I smirked lopsidedly – I hadn't had such a vivid wet dream since I was a kid. And waking up all sticky… damn…

I showered quickly, got dressed and even managed to have a light snack before Izumo came banging on my door.

"Open up, rat boy!"

Uh... _so not_ like my dream-Izumo.

"You know, you should really drop that! I have a name."

"It's long.", he complained, handing me a cup of coffee. (Hm, nice… Did I have to get shoot at to make him this nice, I wondered, but took the cup, muttering a "thank you".)

"Just call me Tetsu…", I had suggested it before my dream came back to me, staining my cheeks bright red… after all they all called me like that. What was wrong with me…?.!

I sneezed as we were getting into the car.

"Salud!", he said.

I choked with my coffee. "Y-you speak Spanish?.!", I groaned.

"Ah, si, yo hablo un poco español", he smiled nicely.

Fuck. I'm lost.

**A.N.** Anooo... well, maaaaybe it kinda shows I had a few Spanish lectures ;D Ah, I love that language. Few things can make me do almost anything - Spanish, electic guitars aaand a few others ;D Anyways, now be good kids and REVIEW! ^^


	5. Chapter 5 Trying

**A.N.** Aaah, it's been a while... your Author has been a bit busy and will be more busy... exams... work... so show some understanding... and love! ^^

Chapter 5 - Trying

My first week in Konoha consisted of: a first, confusing day; a day of boredom and a drunken night; the day they shot me; three days at the hospital; the last day went in awkward moments after my wet dream with Izumo.

My second week at the Seventh Police Department was eventful. I started feeling like I was finally doing something, like I was slowly turning into one of them, of their own…

Izumo began showing me how to deal with the paperwork, how it was organized, where it was reachable by yourself and where you had to bribe another employee of the department in order to be provided with the necessary documents (the lady in the archive was the worst! Obviously, you had to flirt with her to make her do her job. Izumo was pretty good at that. I started wondering if Reiji hadn't lied to me that Izumo was gay….)

We were pretty united, our room, but even so – there were still groups, mostly between partners or two couples of partners. Izumo and I got along with Reiji and his partner Inoichi. Inoichi was a cool guy, he laughed easily and could make you laugh easily, the type of guy, who fit everywhere and was nice to be around. He had long blond hair he tied in a high ponytail – I hadn't really noticed his hairstyle till I saw his daughter (kid came around to bring Daddy his lunch…), who had the exact same haircut! Ah, well, we joked about it a bit… a week or two…

But otherwise Ichi (we called him like that, cuz his kid's name was Ino) was cool. (Until he started to interrogate you… Man, that was creepy. And he was _good_!)

Between the four of us, we took turns in buying the coffee in the morning – it was kinda like a ritual.

We were also close with Iruka and his partner, Shikaku. Man, those were the worst partners ever! Iruka was energetic, very strict with paperwork and deadlines, very reliable. Shikaku was lazy, wrote sloppily and was always late with his reports; he preferred laying in the shadows, taking a nap. I heard his kid, Shikamaru (who looked eerily like his father) was pretty much the same. We joked Kaku was henpecked at home by his wife and was pretty much the same at work … by Iruka. It was an usual sight - Iruka, striding after Shikaku, nagging him about another forgotten report and Shikaku saying "Yeah, yeah… what a drag…"

But otherwise they stood for each other and when the situation was a life threatening one, Shikaku thought like me – he'd die for his partner and vies versa . That got them both pretty messed up after that firing – they discharged them a week after me.

There were also those two quiet guys… Itachi and Kisame. Even though he was bigger - taller and well-set, making him look scary - Kisame was easier to talk to – at least he smiled, though that smile was creepy too – it was like a shark smiled to you! His eyes were small and fixed on you in a predatory way. His hair was blue ( I swear!) and he had face tattoos, resembling gills. At first I was a bit taken aback by those, but Iruka told me later they were traditional for a little town in the Land of Water.

Itachi didn't talk (at least not much, not to us, maybe only to Kisame) and didn't smile. Actually he was always gloomy and Zumo told me there was some tragedy in the family, leaving Itachi to look after himself and a baby brother since he was 17. He was strict, always in time, always perfect. They said ANBU wanted him, but he refused to go there. No one knew why…

Hidan and Kakuzu. Another fucked up couple. Hidan was loud, cursing a lot… and a zealot. Yeah, I can't explain that either, how those things worked together. But he had his Jashin sama and was happy with that.

Hidan had his god and Kakuzu had his own – money! Everyone knew he was looking longingly at the Financial Malfeasance Department and he could go there too… But they had something, those two, a bond that, will all the cursing, threatening and beating amongst themselves, was there.

And there was ANBU of course – Hatake Kakashi, Shiranui Genma, Maito Gai, Inuzuka Tsume, Mitarashi Anko and Sarutobi Asuma. They were commanded by a woman - Yuhi Kurenai. Aaaand that was pretty much all we knew about them.

Some of us had relatives at the Police Academy or other departments too.

Inoichi had a younger brother, Deidara, in the Bomb Disposal Department (I've seen the kid twice, he has the same long blond hair like Ichi and looks kinda… fanatic). Iruka had an adopted brother, Naruto, in the Police Academy (kid was blond too… too much blond around here… and loud, and always grinning and with huge blue eyes. He wasn't all that bad I suppose). Itachi's younger brother, Sasuke, was in Naruto's course at the Academy.

More than that, Izumo started… well, kinda, warming up to me. Kinda.

"Lunch break", he announced.

"Yeah, ok…", I muttered, finishing up a report for a small robbery.

He sighed. "Come on, I'm taking you out."

I looked up. "Huh?"

"You up for tacos?", he asked, smirking.

There's a good chance my eyes had turned into heart shapes with just the mention of Mexican food. I tried to shoo off my embarrassing reaction and simply nodded… maybe a bit too enthusiastically. He snorted.

"Come on, my threat."

I didn't question him more.

The restaurant was small, a takeout type, but had some tables too. Our order was taken and done pretty fast and we sat down on a small table at the back of the restaurant. With a bit more then the necessary impatience, I took my first bite. I felt like my eyes crossed.

"Damn, this is good!"

Izumo smirked. "Thought you might like it."

"Why?", I frowned. What had made him think like that?

"Well, you were glad I speak Spanish, you have a nachos recipe stuck on your monitor and an acoustic guitar at your place… I thought you'd be the latino-loving type."

I tried, very hard, not to blush at the first part of this statement, so I answered only the last part.

"I have an electric one too, you know. Guitar I mean."

I saw his eyes widen a bit, but he hid it quickly. I smirked – I knew I got him. Rock T-shirts, rock band logos on his stuff… of course he was crazy about electric guitars. He tried to sound nonchalant when he asked "Hm? Where did you learn to play?"

I smirked again. "Guitar Hero."

He choked with his beer. "What!.?"

I chuckled. "It's true, I got a few lessons from a… friend of mine…" My ex. Don't wanna talk, remember or ever again see the fucker. "But mostly I learned from the game."

He still looked pretty stunned, but nodded. I smirked again.

"My turn. Your favorite rock band", I demanded.

He gave it a thought. "Rammstein", he finally answered.

It was my turn to nearly choke. "That's … hard."

He smirked, a slow, predatory smile, that made something in me stir. Something swelled, and not only my heart, when he added "I like hard things."

I swallowed dryly. "Talkin' about that… I, eeerm, wanted to ask…"

"Na-uh. My turn", he pointed out. "Who gave you that few guitar lessons?"

Bull's eye. I put my tankard down and stared back, directly in his eyes. He held my gaze. I sighed and answered "My ex did."

"Ah… was she any good?"

Not braking the eye contact I emphasized "_He_ was good… with the guitar."

His eyes widened just a lil bit again. "Oh… … And… with you?"

I averted my eyes. "Till I was convenient."

"Wha-?"

"Not all police departments are so diplomatic, Zumo. And not all of the guys… who are attracted to other guys, are ready to admit that."

"Fuck…. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…"

"Doesn't matter…", I muttered; but even with my efforts it came out as it actually very much did matter. Izumo shifted uncomfortably.

He might have felt the need to share something personal in order to make us even, cause he suddenly said "It was because of me and my ex that our department became so tolerant."

"… Who was-?"

"Not yet. … I'm not ready yet. I'm sorry."

"…It's ok…", I muttered and silence settled between us again.

That… was the most untypical lunch break in my life… ever.

**A.N.** Hope you liked, and now review to tell me! ^^


	6. Chapter 6 A place called home

**A.N.** Ok, so basically, after I saw all those wonderful comments on BP, I felt ashamed I hadn't posted a chapter since... never mind! Here, I really hope you like... I finished it just a few moments ago...

Chapter 6 – A place called home

"So… it's my turn again. Who taught you Spanish?"

Izumo looked up from writing his report and smirked a little. "A friend of mine", he said.

I must have made a face, cause the smirk widened and he added. "As in friend-friend."

"Hm", was all I said.

The smirk widened again. He checked the calendar. It was Friday. "What are you doin' tomorrow?", he asked.

I shrugged. "Nothing much. I'll probably laze around all day."

We took turns in taking the weekend shifts – Konoha was small enough and comparatively safe town; it was a rare for something like the recent firing to happen. This week it was Kisame and Itachi's turn with the weekend shift. Zumo and I, and the other guys, were on call if something happened.

"I'll pick you up at 10", Zumo suddenly said.

"Hm? Where to?"

He smirked again. "You'll see."

Sure enough at 10 o'clock on the beautiful Saturday morning he came banging on my door (calling me "rat boy" again…). We got in his car again – I doubt he even knew I had a bike, since he usually came to pick me up for work, so I didn't even drive to the police station.

"Where are we going again?", I asked, sipping from my coffee.

"I told you you'll see.", he looked at me pointedly. "And if you spill that coffee on my leather seats, I'll make you lick it!"

… Fine, I just couldn't hold back… "And if I spill it on you?"

Aaaah, I was awarded to see Izumo's bright red cheeks, before he growled "Be glad that I'm driving. Otherwise I'd have punched you just now."

He drove to the outermost districts, where houses were bigger, yet not higher like the modern buildings downtown, and had big, well kept gardens. Izumo stopped just in front one of those houses, undid his seatbelt and opened the door. When he noticed I stood dumbfounded, he nodded to the house, smiling a lot more warmer and natural than usual.

"Come on.", he simply said.

I followed him, still greatly surprised.

As soon as he stepped on the rocky path, leading to the cozy looking house, a small girl opened the door and came running towards him, screaming "Uncle Zumooooo!". She threw herself on him, taking his breath out, and I heard him groaning. He still took her in his arms, lifting her up, grinning, and saying "Ah, who might this girl be, I wonder? Could it be my niece Keiko?"

"Yes!", the girl yelled.

"Nooo…", Zumo drew out, pretending to think hard. "She should be a lot smaller…."

"I grew up, uncle Zumo, 3 centimeters this month!"

Izumo chuckled. "Oh, well, then you might as well be Keiko. You kinda look like her…"

"I AM Keiko!"

"Fine, fine… Give me a kiss then.", Zumo gave her his left cheek and she gave him a big, noisy kiss. Izumo chuckled again. "Where's Mommy?"

"She's making your favorite cold tomatoish thingie, uncle Zumo!"

"It's called gazpacho.", Zumo managed to say before the girl jumped down from his arms, running away and screaming "Mommy, Mommy, uncle Zumo came!"

We both finally looked up to the door of the house. An old woman, with that distinctive motherly aura, stood there smiling. She opened her arms and Izumo went to hug her. She held him close to her chest and I heard her whispering "Mi chico…"

"Hola, Maria…", Izumo said, still hugging her.

They finally stepped back and the woman took his face in her hands, looking him both lovingly and inspecting. She finally nodded to herself, obviously content with what she saw. Then she looked at me first and her eyes went back on Izumo, asking. He smiled.

"Maria, este es mi compañero de trabajo, Hagane Kotetsu."

Her eyes widened and she said something so fast, I couldn't understand a thing. Izumo's face was serious when he nodded and quietly said "Si."

He turned to me, but not really looking at me, and explained "She asked if you were the one who saved my life."

The woman came closer, grabbed my hands in her own and said passionately, her eyes big and shiny "Gracias."

"De nada…"

That was pretty much all I could say in Spanish, but she smiled, brushed off the tears that were threatening to fall and began rushing us into the house. I went in first and behind my back I could hear her saying "…es muy guapo, Izumo!"

Izumo's voice sounded both shocked and irritated "Maria!". I smirked.

It was then when another woman emerged from what I decided was the kitchen. She smiled widely and it was her turn to hug Izumo tightly.

"Ah, Zumo…"

"Hi, Mom", he sang, sounding annoyed.

"What's with the tone?.!", she snapped, stepping back to look at him pointedly.

"Well, you all act as if I never come back home…"

"You hardly visit us anymore, it is only natural for a mother…"

"Si, si, me da igual…"

"Watch it, boy!", the woman waved her forefinger at him.

We heard a chuckle and as we all turned around to see where it came from, there was another woman leaning on the kitchen door. "You managed to vex Mom again, didn't you?", she grinned.

Izumo sighed, turning now to me. "Kotetsu, this is my so "supportive" sister Aiko. And this is my mother Tsukimi."

We shook hands, then his mother excused herself and dragged a whining Izumo to help her set the table for lunch. For a second, I stood there stupidly, wondering what to do.

"Eeerm… you can help me if you want?", his sister suggested. I nodded and went to wash my hands before I took the knife, cutting more tomatoes. Through the kitchen door I could see Zumo and his mother arguing and joking around the table. His sister caught my longing stare. And misunderstood it.

"You must miss your family…"

"I don't.", I snapped. I realized how harsh that sounded so I apologized and explained "I… I've never had a family like yours."

"Crazy?", she giggled.

"…Real.", I corrected. Her smiling eyes became serious and a bit sad; but then she smiled again, warmly.

"You are always welcome here", she said, sincerely.

I doubt she knew what that meant for me. "Thank you", I could only say.

We had lunch with his family, joking all the time. I had never in my life experienced something like that light atmosphere, the small talk, the feeling of a real home. A real family. I remembered how it was, back in Suna – we never ate together; the very idea that I would joke and laugh with my brother was a joke itself; and my father will be more proud if somebody shot me and I died, doing my job, than seeing me alive and… gay. I caught Izumo watching me, silently asking if I was ok. I forced a smile and joined the conversation again…

After lunch Izumo's mother and sister combined their efforts to put Keiko to sleep and Izumo and I went to sit under the big oak tree in the back yard. I could literally see how hard he tried to start a conversation in order to pull me out of my little depression.

"So… You saw who taught me Spanish…"

"How did you meet her? Maria I mean…"

He smiled slightly. "When Aiko and I were still kids, Mom became seriously ill. She had to be put in a hospital and couldn't look after us, and my father…", he laughed dryly. "He was in desperate need of help, so he hired a housekeeper. That's how we met Maria. After my Mom came back, Maria stayed to help her, while she recovered fully. Then, after a few more years, my father died. Maria was already a part of the family and Mom needed the help anyways, so…"

I nodded. Then I remembered something and grinned. "I think she likes me."

"Huh?"

"She said I was handsome. I can understand at least that much", I chuckled.

He shook his head, then laughed too, nodding.

"So… I guess they know you're…?", I started.

"Yeah, they do. Since the beginning."

"Aaaand? What's the story? When did you find out you were… you know, into boys?"

Izumo laughed. "Well… according to my mom, I've stolen my first kiss in the sandbox at the playing ground… from a boy a year older than me…."

We both laughed.

"I personally think that I was around 15 when I fell for my first real crush – it was a boy from high school, totally straight… Then, I fooled around for a while, with others, like me. That is until I met …someone who changed me…"

Awkward silence. "And… your folks were ok with your orientation?"

He smiled lopsidedly. "My mom has always loved me the way that I am. And, considering that kiss in the sandbox, maybe she expected it", he grinned more naturally for a second, then his expression darkened again. "My father wanted a son to continue his name. He never accepted me after I came out. Then… at his deathbed, he called for me. … I will never forget this. He motioned to me to bent lower – he could barely talk. I remember his exact words. He said "I know I made many mistakes. Maybe you'll forgive me one day. But now as I say goodbye… I only want my children to be happy. Be happy, son. No matter with whom."

He sighed deeply, then looked at me. "How about you?"

I frowned. "In a severe land and a family of cops… When it came out that I'm gay … My father and older brother hated me. And my mother was just not strong enough to stand up for me. I was… chased away – Suna is not near as diplomatic as Konoha when it comes to homosexuals, and don't get me started with my family. Still, I hadn't done anything wrong… except maybe loving the wrong guy… To cover it all up, they transferred me here. … That's all, no real dramas…"

"No real dramas? Do you even hear yourself?.!", he asked, wide eyed, angered…

I shrugged. "I knew it would happen. I expected it from that morning I woke up with a boner, after a wet dream, which wasn't about a girl. It still sucked to be chased off like that, don't get me wrong… But I managed. Got my life back…"

He continued looking at me for a while, then averted his eyes and said, seemingly without any connection with our conversation so far "My Mom keeps whining I don't show up here enough, so I guess we'll have to come when it's not our turn with the weekend shift…"

My heart skipped a beat and I had to translate this to myself as me, being just… happy. I smiled to him. "That'd be nice…"

It would be nice to feel a part of a real family… even if it wasn't my own…

* * *

><p><strong>A.N.<strong> For those who dont know Spanish: a translation in the order of the lines in the text:

1. My boy...

2. Hello, Maria.

3. Maria, this is my colleague, Hagane Kotetsu.

4. Yes.

5. Thank you.

6. You are welcome/ For nothing.

7. ...is very handsome, Izumo

8. Yeah, yeah, whatever...


	7. Chapter 7 A whiskey tasting kiss

**A.N.** Sorry, guys, I know it has been a while, but... first, it was the Halloween Challenge, then work got crazy (I love it!) and my exams are still not over, but... here's a fast written chappie, hope you like!

Chapter 7 - A whiskey-tasting kiss

There was something wrong with him… the whole week up until today. Spacing out, frowning for nothing… looking like he hadn't slept in days… disappearing for hours… He was grumpy, but none of the guys said anything. If anything, there was some kind of understanding in their eyes – they knew. Still, I didn't ask. I waited for him to talk to me.

"I need to get drunk tonight.", he said.

I lifted my gaze from the monitor and took a look at him. He was watching through the window, the same unreadable expression on his face – it look like he really needed it, getting drunk. It was Friday night and tomorrow's weekend shift was Reiji and Inoichi's. So why the hell not…

"Come on…", I stood up, walking beside him. He looked a bit surprised at first, then an expression of true gratitude could be seen on his face, before he pulled on the mask of indifference again and nodded, standing up and walking before me.

I can't even describe the speed in which he drove to his (obviously) favorite club (which was in the other side of the town). The guard eyed us coldly – we came in front of all the queue, with Izumo not giving a damn about all the grumbling and shouting that we arose. Izumo reached in his pocked – I was wondering if he was gonna use his police ID to get us in, when he pulled out a VIP card with his name on. The guard smirked.

"A regular? How come I haven't seen you?"

"He hasn't come lately", another voice said and another big guy in a tight black shirt came to greet us, he and Izumo crushing their chests in a hard hug. "Well, it's been a while", the guy said as he stepped back. Then his eyes stopped on me.

"Shou, this is my new partner, Hagane Kotetsu.", Izumo said flatly.

"Oh…", the guy only said, his face becoming kinda blank. He only nodded and let us in.

_Huh?.!_

As soon as we were in I understood why so many waited outside. It was a pretty well done place – there were three well designed rooms with three different kinds of music played in them and a bar in each one. We got into the Rock room first.

[_**A.N**.__music __for __the __background__ – __Limp __Bizkit__ – __Boiler_]

As soon as the manager there saw us, he immediately found us a private booth with comfortable black leather sofas. Not waiting for me to say anything, Izumo ordered a bottle of whiskey.

"… Will you tell me what's going on?", I finally asked.

"I'm out drinking with my partner, what else?"

I sighed and decided on a different approach. "They seem to know you here."

"… … I used to come here a lot with my previous partner."

Uh… The one that died in his arms, according to Iruka. … Damn…

"… And a few times after that, to get drunk."

"Is… Is today the day when he…"

The whiskey arrived and he poured himself a full glass, draining it, before he finally said hoarsely "Yes".

Fuck…

"Do you want to…?"

"No, I don't want to talk, Kotetsu! I want to forget. Ok?.!"

Awkward silence. I poured myself some whiskey too, to keep him company. Not knowing what else to say, I simply watched him.

"I couldn't even go the funeral. I was that much of a mess, a wreck back then… I couldn't face their pity… "Look, the guy, who held his dying… partner…", he made a face, laughing bitterly. He drowned another glass. The bottle was half empty and I had only drank a single glass…

"And then I had to face _him_… _he_ look so much like him, you know… seeing _him_ every day at work… ", his eyes were glassy.

What the…? He didn't make any sense anymore.

He suddenly grabbed the bottle and stood up, moving towards the next room. "Come, I need some movement…"

[_A.N.__ – __Faithless__ – __Insomnia__**2005**_]

The House room. Figures…

"Izumo, I don't know abo-…"

He pulled me to himself, wrapping his arms (one hand still holding the bottle) around my neck (my arm automatically going around his waist), before he smiled a drunken smile and said in my ear "Just fuckin' dance, Hagane!"

He soon let go of me though, so he could be able to jump around with the music. He actually looked pretty good dancing – freed of the usual casket or headscarf his hair was kinda… floating around his face; he looked so… free.

And drunk. Yes. Just how much drunk he was actually…?

The answer came to me, when a _giggling_ Izumo jumped in my arms and said something about having a "great fun"… and then he kissed me. As in… with a tongue and all. I could taste the whiskey on his lips and in his mouth, almost like it was burning me inside, as if I was the one who had drunk it all…

My body was stiffened – unlike him I wasn't drunk and was aware that there were people around us, watching… I couldn't even close my eyes and respond properly before Izumo stepped back, grinned, with his eyes half closed… and collapsed in my arms.

* * *

><p>Having to drag a totally wasted Izumo (damn, he was heavy when he was all relaxed!) was totally worth it when the next morning came.<p>

I actually took the effort of waking earlier to make my coffee and stay on guard for the moment he wakes up (having put him in my bed, I slept on the couch… damn, my back hurt!). Like I said though, it was totally worth it.

Without any indication he was about to wake up, he suddenly jumped in my bed and looked around with huge, insanely looking eyes.

"…This isn't my bed", he stated the fact.

I stifled a chuckle, but he then saw me and his eyes widened even more.

Did I mention I had just taken my morning shower, so I kinda stood there… half naked? He eyes the towel around my waist and looked down at himself, stripped to his boxers (not laughing became a serious issue for me!)

"Please tell me we haven't… haven't…", he stuttered.

I grinned. "Naaah… you just kissed me."

"… You are kidding, right? Right!.? Come on, laugh!"

I did – couldn't stop myself, but then shook my head. "Not about the kiss, no. You seriously did kiss me, but we did nothing more – you collapsed in my arms from all the alcohol and I dragged you here."

"…O-oh… I'm… sorry."

I chuckled again. "Nothing to worry. Come have some coffee. Then we might take a walk to sober you up", I winked.

He nodded, still blushing, and stood off the bed, putting on his pants quickly and following me in the kitchen. I made a small breakfast – I served the coffee, some orange juice and toasts and offered him some butter and a few kinds of cheese: cream, yellow and white. He chose the cream cheese with herbs … and we ate in absolute silence (with Izumo's cheeks still a bit pink). Deciding something on a whim, I grinned.

"Come, I wanna show you something!", I said as I stood up and walked towards the door.

"How 'bout that walking…?", Izumo asked, still following me though.

"How about _driving_?", I grinned opening the garage door, as we had just reached the garages under the living area. Here comes my ace card – both chicks and hunks love bikes and he had never seen me on mine, since _he_ was the one usually driving _the __car_.

I took a loving look at my acid-green-and-black beauty, then turned around, expecting to see an excited Izumo.

Nothing like that…

"…Is that thing yours?", he asked, face – emotionless and voice – hollow.

"Yeah…", I said confused, frowning a bit.

"I gotta go home", he declared and just turned, walking away. I grabbed his arm and turned him back.

"Izumo, what the hell…?"

"I don't date bikers.", he stated flatly, freeing his arm and walking away and leaving me there, looking stupid… and not just a bit fuming.

Fine! I needed a ride anyway!

I got on my bike, driving at close to the maximum speed. I didn't really know where I was going, just… drove.

I ended up in front of the police station and sighed. Not very original, huh?

Shrugging, I decided that I might as well see how Reiji and Ichi were doing, so I entered the nearly empty building.

Reiji was typing something on the keyboard when I entered. He forced a smile, but I could see something was wrong. I didn't want to push him though, so I said nothing.

"So… how… what did you do last night?"

I frowned a bit. It was a normal sounding question but Reiji wasn't one to put his nose in other people's business and that tone…

"Izumo wanted to go out, get something to drink…", I said, watching him for a reaction.

He closed his eyes and nodded as if he had expected it. Still watching him, I continued.

"He got drunk and kissed me."

His head shot up, his eyes were huge. "Wha- For real!.?"

I smirked a bit. "Yeah. And then collapsed in my arms. I had to drag him home and all, slept on the couch…. You should have seen his face when he woke up in my bed. He was terrified!"

We both chuckled, then I frowned, deciding to ask that one question after all.

"I showed him my bike after that, thought we could go for a ride to sober him up. And the guy said he, I quote, "doesn't date bikers". What's with him and motorbikes?"

Reiji's face turned sad and kinda empty. He averted his eyes.

"His last boyfriend died in a car accident. A car hit him while he was going home to Izumo… riding his bike."

I knew I shouldn't ask…

"…Oh…Damn."

"Yeah. That boyfriend was also his partner…."

Wait… the one who… "_His __partner __died __in __his __arms, __Kotetsu__…_", Iruka's words came back to me. So… he had been alive for a few moments after the crush… Enough for Izumo to arrive… and to hug him one last time…?

_Fuck…_

"His name was Shiki. Like I said, he was another colleague of ours, here, in this police station. We all took the news pretty badly, but Izumo… he had it the worst. Well… and me, I guess. Shiki was my older brother."

_Fuck, fuck, fuck…..!_

"Oh, man… I-I'm sorry…"

"It's ok, you didn't know. And it happened five years ago."

"…"

Reiji snorted, a bitter half-laugh. "Looking at him and listening to me makes it sound like it happened a few months ago, right?", he sighed, "It's ok though. I don't mind if you guys end up together. Shiki would have wanted Izumo to be happy. I want it too…"

"I-I don't know if.. we will… I mean…"

Reiji forced a chuckle. "You never know, Kotetsu. Izumo doesn't just go around kissing guys, even when he's drunk – and believe me I know! I've seen him drunk more than a few times. And… I'm just sayin' that IF something does happen, I'll be ok with it…"

"… Thanks, Rei..."

So far I hadn't really had even one perfectly normal day here, in Konoha's seventh police station. And it seemed like my life was going to get even messier…

**A.N.** I really hope you guys liked it. Review to tell me? ;]


	8. Chapter 8 Sneaking, memories and

**A.N.** I kinda rushed to finish this and posted it immediately, so if it has too many mistakes - dont be harsh on me. I also dedicate this to a certain** Bentley Sempai** - here's your fix, you perv XD Hope you like THAT scene ;)

Chapter 8 - Sneaking, memories and weird discoveries

He was distant the whole week after that drunken-night-and-awkward-morning fiasco. He was avoiding me and we could barely do our job right. It was almost like my first week here… After all the time, all the effort we put into being good partners…

I didn't wanna question Reiji more and asking Izumo was out of the question… so I decided to find more about Shiki and that accident, on my own.

It was Saturday again when I crept in the police station. I knew it was Kakuzu and Hidan's shift…

So what was Iruka doing here?.!

I peaked around the corner – yeah, peaked, because I wasn't supposed to be here either. And with what I was about to do…

Funny thing was, Iruka was looking around too, as if afraid not to get caught.

Well, he was. Caught.

He was grabbed by two strong hands, pinned to the wall and a second later HATAKE KAKASHI was KISSING HIM senseless!.!.!.!.!.!

WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE!.?.!

"K-ka-…shi! Stop! In-in the hallway!.?", Iruka panted over Kakashi's lips (damn, I couldn't see from this angle!)

"Anywhere!", Kakashi declared.

"Stu-stupid p-pervert!"

Wokaaaay! Too much information! I turned around and took (quickly!) the longer way to my goal.

Which was the special archive in Cap. Namiashi's office. All of the Seventh Police Station's staff files were being locked there.

I snuck in – thank Kami, the door wasn't locked, and looked around. I saw the cabinet in the corner. That one was locked. Well… not only I expected this, but had my ways too. What? I haven't always been a cop…

I pulled out my master key and played a little with the lock – tsk, I've lost practice…

Finally the lock clicked and I opened the drawer.

"Come on, come on… "

What was Reiji's last name again? I flipped through the files.

"Sato, Seiji… Suzuki. Finally!"

I pulled out the folder and opened it.

Damn. He was handsome. Black hair as Reiji's, dark eyes, that seemed to sparkle with mirth. He was smirking slightly from the photo. My eyes went on the info. Suzuki Shiki. Signed in at the age of 19. His first partner was Fugaku Uchiha, deceased. Wait, Uchiha? Itachi's father? … Yeah, seems, so. Here, "…dies in a firing, during which Suzuki Shiki, partner, is present and wounded." Wow…

I flipped a couple of pages. Ah, here.

"Cause of death – car accident. October 13th, 2008, 18:14. Suzuki Shiki is driving his sport bike, a blue and black Yamaha R1, license plate K 765 98 MN, on the Fourth Kage's Blvd. He is being hit by a car, a black Mercedes license plate K 865 78 PL. The criminal, later identified as Tomo Akito, tries to escape and is being stopped by a police patrol 15 miles away from the place of the accident. Ambulance is being called on the place of the accident. Suzuki's partner, Kamizuki Izumo, is being informed and arrives 7 minutes after he is informed. Suzuki Shiki dies in 18:23, despite the efforts of the medical team in charge."

…Damn…

I was still staring blankly at the file, when I heard the voice. THAT voice! Looking around madly, I just crawled under the desk.

"…and do some real work, while you are here, why don't you, Hidan!.?", Cap. Namiashi barked before barging into his office. "Damn zealot…", he muttered to himself, going straight to the cabinet. He frowned a little, founding it unlocked, but shrugged, deciding he was too tired and left it that way before, then opened it, pulling out a folder.

The captain sighed, sounding tired, then picked up his jacket, reading to go home.

"Where do you think you're going, big boy?", a lewd sounding voice came from the door of his office. Cap. Namiashi and I, through the slit on the front side of his desk, both looked in said direction.

Genma? Shiranui Genma from ANBU?

Cap. Namiashi took a deep breath. And then the impossible happened – he smiled, just as lewdly.

"I was about to go back home…"

"You were about to go home – what?.!", the voice snapped.

"…Sir."

My eyes widened. Please, Kami sama, let it be that I had misunderstood that…

"And do you deserve to have some rest? Have you been a good boy today, Raido kun?"

"… No, sir."

Genma grinned wider, pulling out a nightstick and (FUCK!) something that suspiciously looked like a condom and a tube of lube. "And what do bad boys need? Do you need me to punish you, Raido?"

Oh, damn…

"Yes, officer. Come spank me…"

Fuck, fuck, fuck….!

"Undress!"

Fuck… I'm scarred for life!

* * *

><p>Let me just tell you that by the time they had finished (just above me) and finally went home, a crawled on all fours from the captain's office. The first thing I saw was two strong legs just in front of me. I looked up. Iruka smiled at me.<p>

"Mercy…", I whispered hoarsely.

Iruka chuckled.

"I'm guessing you were the unfortunate witness?"

My eyes widened. "You KNOW!.?"

Iruka smirked smugly. "Well… a lot of people underestimate me (their loss), but Hagane, my friend… I know a lot!", he grinned in a way that crept me out a bit. He chuckled again. "Come. It looks like you need a drink."

We went on the rooftop of the station, Iruka miraculously producing a six-pack of my favorite beer. We clinked the two cans, took a sip and stared into the sky.

"I still can't believe the captain is Shiranui Genma's bitch.", I muttered, shuddering.

"Why? Cuz he doesn't look like one of us, cuz we kinda got too many in this station alone, or cuz he looks tougher and your money was on that he was the seme?", Iruka grinned.

I hummed, not answering, but instead noticing the "one of us" part.

"So… You and Kakashi, huh?", I smirked a little.

He shrugged, smirking as well, but nodding. "It just happened", he said. He took another sip from his beer, then said "I've been thinking a lot about it, before I gave in. And then I finally decided I'd give it a try. … I deserve some happiness, damn it. I deserve to experience something that might actually work." He looked at me. "Do you understand me?"

"Man… I understand you better than you think.", I nodded. Iruka nodded too and stared back to the sky. Then he began talking quietly.

"Yes, you probably do. I've heard about Suna and the homophobia there. You should know that it wasn't any better in the Mist. My folks died when I was young, so when I was old enough the government gave me some money and shooed me out of the orphanage. I opened a little inn and used the money I got for my Police Academy education. It went ok for a couple of years. I had just graduated from the Academy there when it happened. A rainy night. A stranger, looking for a place to stay. The inn was empty otherwise, so I made dinner and we ate. And talked. Kami, I hadn't talked like that with anyone in so much time… One thing led to another and we ended up in bed. We had one night of what I then thought as my best night ever, but after Kakashi…"

"Too much info, man!"

"Sorry", he laughed nervously. "Anyway, he was gone in the morning, but before he left the village he made sure to brag about the keeper of that small inn, the man he fucked all. night. long." He smiled sadly to me. "You can guess what the reactions were. The inn was burnt down the next night by the village's men. I took what was left and just hit the road." He took another sip from his beer. "Before I left I went in the orphanage and took Naruto with me. He was like me, no parents, no friends – all the kids avoided him, I don't know why. I had noticed when I went by the playing grounds to the market. He had always been alone. We had began talking and I felt he was opening up to me and I began feeling him close to me too. So when I went for him, they happily handed him, happy to get rid of him. Practically I'm his father, but he had always called me Iruka-nii, so…", Iruka shrugged, a small smile on his lips. "We came here, I signed up in the Police, Naruto went to the Academy…We've been fine so far. We like it here. I just hope… that thing with Kakashi doesn't end like that last time, cuz I can't handle something like this again."

I patted his back. "I can't imagine Hatake this way. He seems a good guy."

"Yeah…" Iruka smiled dreamily then turned to me again. "What about you? What's your story?"

I shrugged, staring at the sky. It was one I'd rather not remember, but Iruka did tell me his, so…

"New guy in our station. Younger than me. Confused. I guess he was just curious. He saw I'd take the bate, so I guess he thought why the hell not? We went drinking one night after work. He literally seduced me. So we went to his place, I asked him if he was sure. He said yes. I warned him how things are gonna be and he looked fine with it all. I went slowly, tried to be gentle. It all looked fine on the next morning… And the day after it… We even lasted a few months. Damn sucker was the one who taught me to play the guitar… We looked like we were ok with each other. Maybe not in love, but… we laughed and hung out and had sex and…", I sighed. "I don't know if he got tired of me, or scared that things went too far, or … I don't know. I just know that one day he went and told the captain, a close friend of my father, that I had all but raped him, missing the part that it had continued a few months and he hadn't objected at all." Iruka looked at me with understanding. I sighed. "I just know that after he put all the blame on me in order to get clean before the guys and himself, the captain not only fired me, but told my father and brother, also cops, all…." I remember that night. I could fight off my father or brother alone, but had no chance against both of them. "Two fractured and one broken ribs, a concussion, a dislocated shoulder, a broken ankle and a twisted wrist." I summed up. Iruka gaped. I smirked lopsidedly. "Yeah. I was all black and blue. As soon as I could stand on my bike I just got the hell outta there."

Iruka shook his head. "What kind of a monster does that to his own flesh and blood?.!"

I shrugged then looked at him. "It doesn't matter. We both got away, ne? I hope Hatake treats you right. You were right, you deserve this."

"You too", He said meaningfully.

I stared back at the sky. It was all too messed up between me and the one I had my eyes on now.

It didn't look like my happy ending was anywhere near. Yet.

**A.N.** Well... I hope things got clearer and you enjoyed the chapter. Review to tell me! ;)


	9. Chapter 9 Venting

Chapter 9 - Venting

"…Izumo isn't here yet?"

"No."

"Third day in a row."

I closed my locker quietly, listening to Inoichi and Shikaku talking – we were all in the changing room, but they were on the other side of the lockers rows, so they couldn't see me.

"You think he's at the cemetery again?"

Sigh.

"He always ends up there."

"That's unhealthy. It's been five years already. I mean, I know it's hard but… not letting go… isn't that harder?"

"Dunno, man."

"Tsk. Troublesome."

Izumo chose this moment to walk into the changing room. He made a face at the sudden silence, but said nothing as he went to his locker and started taking off his hoodie and shirt, pulling on other clothes.

That's when I saw it. A very stylized black tattoo on his right shoulder blade. A bird.

"Strange choice of a tattoo", I noted. "Why a bird?"

Izumo smiled lopsidedly, half turned to me. "Don't you know? What they say, that sometimes… a shinigami* comes to take your soul in the form of a bird…?"

I frowned. "Tell me you were just drunk enough as to think of _yourself_ as the shinigami…"

Another lopsided smile. "No. I'm waiting for the shinigami."

I closed my eyes, shut them tightly. "To take you to him?", I asked, my voice hollow.

"…Yes", was the simple, quiet answer.

I can't really tell you how this day went on till the evening. I just don't know – it was all like a haze in my brain, the memory of that small conversation keeping replaying itself in my head. I wished I hadn't asked. I wished it with all my passion.

I couldn't depend on Iruka every time I needed a drink or a friend to hear me out. Wanna guess who I ended up with as a drinking buddy that night? The rat.

"I guess it's a lot easier to be a mouse, huh?", I pointed out drunkenly.

The small white spot near the fridge looked at me as if wondering how much more messed up I can get. I sighed, stood up and went to pull out some cornflakes. I threw some pieces in a small plate and left it on the floor near the kitchen door. "Here, have some, buddy", I muttered. I turned off the lights and strode off to my bed. "Good night", I said to the rat, or just the empty apartment. It was pitiful either way…

* * *

><p>I guess it was just a fucked up week; starting with the last weekend when my boss was fucked by an ANBU just above me, learning Iruka's dark past and awkward present… and having Izumo being late for work every single day, because he was too busy spending time with his dead ex. The tattoo and his words kept popping up in my head, making me uneasy and reminding me I could do nothing to help him.<p>

I even began going to work with the bus just to not upset him with my bike. Not that it mattered – I came to work hours before he did. I felt myself becoming restless. I needed something and somewhere to vent.

And the answer came from the strangest place.

I had a lousy Thursday morning – my bus was late, it was raining and now the stupid vending machine stole my money! I growled in frustration and before I knew it I had thrown a good punch on it. The lights twinkled a bit and the machine spewed my chocolate.

I heard someone chuckling beside me and turned to find Kisame grinning at me.

"Nice punch. You've trained?", he asked.

I shrugged.

Look, before I became a cop, I had a … er, interesting childhood. Let's just say that training isn't the word I'd choose to describe illegally organized street fights.

If anything Kisame's grin went wider. "Looking for a place to… train?"

I noted the pause before "train", so I nodded, curious. Kisame nodded towards the door.

* * *

><p>We were in the car he and Itachi used, with Kisame driving and explaining.<p>

"Look… I've been there too. Those here aren't the street fights you're used to. Not exactly. There's no betting and fighting for money or cuz someone looked at you the wrong way. Those guys fight for the fight itself. They enjoy the battle. They have their own place to train, with punch bags, weights and all… and sometime when you need to vent, you can go to them and they'll give it to ya", Kisame smiled fondly.

"Been there a lot?", I asked. He only smirked.

He pulled over in front of an old, gray, one-storey building with dark reflecting glass taking up the whole wall facing the street – the guys inside could see the street, but people on the street couldn't see them. Kisame nodded me to follow him and stepped inside.

The first thing I heard – Marilyn Manson's "Seizure of power". Loud.

_Hmmm__… __I __like __this __place __already_.

A few guys in the huge hall were training, punching the bags, lifting weights… They were all big guys, with perfectly toned bodies, lots of tattoos (not birds, thank Kami sama!) and they all looked like they could be the death for you if you're stupid enough to piss them off.

In the far end of the hall a guy, wearing only comfortable black sweatpants was doing kata-s. With a katana. His whole left arm, from shoulder and neck to the wrist was covered with a black tribal tattoo. Kisame leaned to yell in my ear

"That's Ares**. The owner."

As if he had somehow heard his name, Ares turned around, his bare chest glistening with sweat; his stark black hair looked a bit messy too, his pale eyes inspected us. He grinned maniacally.

I grinned back. I'd found my way of venting.

* * *

><p>Even late as I was – I barely got to work on Friday – I was in the station before Izumo. I sighed after my eyes had scanned the place for him and went to leave my jacket in my locket.<p>

I was just closing the door of the locket when Izumo stepped in the changing room.

"Hey…", he muttered.

"Hey", I simply said, turning to leave. His arm shot up and he turned me around.

"What happened to your face?", he asked, all but whispering.

I knew I had a nasty bruise on my chin and under the left eye – Ares wasn't holding back, just like I didn't. Just the way I liked it. I pulled my hand from his.

"What do you care?", I growled, biting back something in the lines of "Go back to your dead partner and keep ignoring the present one."

"Stop being an ass, Kotetsu…"

"I'M BEING AN ASS?.! I?.!"

Running my fingers through my hair, I turned on my heels, fighting with myself not to punch him. I ended up punching my locket. He flinched away, but I didn't care. I stormed off the changing room, my cell already in my hand.

"Ares? Can I meet you tonight as well?"

* * *

><p>I all but crawled back in my apartment. I opened the door and the first thing I saw was the rat, dead near the chewed coffee machine's cable. I kneeled down next to him.<p>

"Guess you finally made it, huh?", I said, something swelling unpleasantly in my chest.

I know he was just a rat. But he was also the only other living creature in this empty place. And now he was dead.

"I guess it just ain't my day…", I said, collapsing in my bed and wishing that sleep would save me from my life here and now…

**A.N.**

* - a shinigami is the Japanese version of our Soul Reapers. The legend that they can come in the form of birds is real, or so I've read.

** - Ares was inspired by the character from the german movie "Das Blut der Templer"


	10. Chapter 10 Accepted

**A.N.** So, here's another chapter of **To live again**, although most of you do not deserve it... since, as crazy as you were about **Talk to me**, I got almost no reviews for the X-mass sequel **Cookies and Milk**... *Pout* So Thank You **KOHAI** and **Kick-Aft**. I still pout to the others...

Chapter 10 - Accepted

However you might look at it, things between me and Izumo didn't go well. We hardly spoke, hardly did our job. The distance between us was growing. I wasn't even sure if he continued going to the cemetery – I just stopped going earlier and looking for him in the main room.

And I started going to work with my bike again. That was until it began making funny noises. Here's the time where I should admit that as cool as I **do** look on my bike, I have absolutely no clue how to mend it if needed.

"So I have this little thing…", I began, dodging Ares' fist.

"In your pants?", he laughed. I leered.

"Is that you way of begging me to prove you wrong; about it being little?"

Ares laughed again. "Not my thing, kid. What's your problem?", he asked all the while trying to knock me down.

"My bike's making strange noises. You know a good mechanic around here?"

"Sure. Kaito!"

"What!.?", a roar from the other end of the room. I recognized its owner as the owner of what must have been the best kept Harley in Konoha.

"Will ya show the new kid to Kiba's?"

"Sure thing, kiddo!", Kaito grinned in a "I-totally-understand-your-obsession-with-your-bike" way.

I suppressed a growl – I was getting used to their calling me a kid… since recently I could be found here every single day…

* * *

><p>Kaito had to run to work after his prolonged sparring session, so he wrote down the address hastily and, excusing himself once again, literally ran.<p>

So, paper with address in hand, I found myself in front of what looked like a small garage with the sign telling that was "Kiba's". I shrugged indifferently and stepped in.

The first thing I noticed when I entered was the music – Moby – Flower. I smirked. I loved that place already.

"Can I help ya?", a deep voice asked behind me.

I turned around. And gaped.

"_Fuck… me… No, fuck HIM!"_

He looked around 18, with messy brown hair, animalistic eyes… and tattoos on his face (these looked familiar somehow… hmmm…). He was wearing a black tank, perfectly showing his sexy body, a scarf was hanging from the back pocket of his ripped jeans.

"Eeeerrm…", was the only thing that passed my lips.

He chucked, reaching a hand for a handshake. "I'm Kiba."

"Kotetsu", I said, shaking the strong hand.

"What's ya'r problem?"

"Huh?"

"With the bike…?"

"Oh! Yeah, I… something with the… Ok, so I have no idea with what", I confessed lamely and he chuckled, shaking his head. "It makes funny noises when I speed up...", I trailed off, my eyes undressing him.

"Hmm… How fast?", he asked.

"_Well, I'm not a fan of quickies but I can make it fast if you… wait, shut up, pervert Kotetsu!"_

"Huh?"

"How fast can it go?"

"Eeerm… I've gone with 85mph."

He grinned, showing sharp canines, similar to the ones tattooed on his cheeks.

"Cool! I like fast machines."

"_Don't tempt me, kid… I'm this close of shoving you to the wall and having my wicked, wicked…"_

He was saying something again.

"Er, what?"

"I asked when you need it for?"

"Dunno, how fast can you make it?"

He licked his lips, obviously ogling me. "A day and you're taking me for a ride."

I smirked. "Deal."

"Ain't no deal, Hagane!", a voice snapped behind me.

I turned around, surprised at being called by name. A woman, clad in tight black leather pants and a matching leather jacket was just stepping off a black and yellow Ducati and taking her helmet off. Wild hair (yes, _I_ said that) and animalistic eyes, far too familiar right now, were showed on display. As well as those exact same face tattoos…

I needed a few seconds to assimilate all that and to put the pieces together. My eyes widened as I recognized that face.

I was used to seeing that body dressed in baggy, camouflage pants and T-shirts that weren't exactly showing what that leather jacket did. Because, obviously, while at work Inuzuka Tsume did not wear leather or anything that showed how… sexy she actually was.

Wait… Inuzuka Tsume… looking like that… being right here… her eyes… his eyes…those tattoos…

I turned back to stare at a positively irritated Kiba, then back at Tsume.

"You… You…", I started.

"I'm his mother and you ain't taking my boy for _any_ ride!"

Well, shit.

* * *

><p>I was grumpy to say the least. Yesterday, after an awkward farewell, I went back home, walking, mind you, and with no Kiba or whomever to keep me company. I knew I was scowling at the monitor and Izumo kept throwing me glances that could have passed for caring if I didn't know any better. Actually he had just opened his mouth, when Inuzuka Tsume walked in OUR! room, not giving a damn for the nasty glares, and stopped by my desk. I sighed, irritated, and rolled my eyes.<p>

"Come ooon, we were just talkn'! It can hardly pass as flirting!"

One eyebrow rose over an eye with a slit-like pupil. She wore the same baggy khaki pants and a green vest over a black tee, nothing like the leather outfit from yesterday. She looked like she was fighting a smile. Finally, she sighed, put a small card down on my desk and slid it to my keyboard.

"Here. Kiba will have your bike ready by tonight. You should come to this place.", she tapped the card with her finger. "It's where _we bikers_ meet."

"So what now, you're fine with the big bad detective talkin' to, slash, seducing and tainting your son?"

She smirked. "The only thing that bugs me in that statement is the "detective" part. My kid will have nothing to do with policemen. He will not worry every single day."

That surprised me, but instead I simply asked "Doesn't he already?", looking at her pointedly.

"That's different. I'm his mother. Not a partner in life."

Fuck. She wore no wedding ring, but... "Your husband? … His dad?...", I asked awkwardly.

She nodded curtly, arms folded and eyes looking away. I coughed awkwardly and smiled tentatively.

"So… it's not that I'm a man…?"

She laughed quietly. "Kiba is bi. I can have him continue the name at any rate. Why not let him have his fun till then?"

I smiled, a lot warmer now, and nodded, with understanding. She nodded as well and turned towards the door. "Tonight at ten. There's a map on the card."

* * *

><p>The place was an old, deserted area in the industrial part of the town. It had a few buildings, mostly factories, but what obviously brought all the speed freaks here was the huge site, cleared of any objects – I noticed the perfectly smooth, <em>new<em> asphalt pavement. I bet the freaks have done it, I smirked to myself, delighted by the fact. Loud rock and metal music finished the whole setting – they had a DJ. A hard-sound-loving DJ. [**A.N.** Insert _Evanescense – Sweet sacrifice_ here]

_I'm in love…. _

I rode slowly amongst the small groups of people; almost everyone was standing by or on a sports bike. I finally noticed Tsume, and Kiba, and went to greet them… only to freeze by the sight of a HUGE white dog, standing near Kiba.

"Holy Mother of…!", I started.

KIba and the others laughed.

"Oh, Akamaru is a big softie… just don't piss him off and you guys will be perfectly ok", Kiba grinned.

"Our family actually breeds them", Tsume explained. "You want one?"

"Eeerm, sure… Do you have something… smaller?"

They all laughed again, then the guy next to me told Tsume he was going to fetch some drinks. She nodded and then her look landed on me, watching the big guy – and mostly his scarred face.

"Police Station Nine's Captain, Ibiki Morino", she informed me, then smirked and added "Taken."

I grinned. "Not that I was interested but since you said it – by whom?"

"By me", she winked. I smiled back – she knew me, knew what I was like. And accepted me. They all did… my personal circle of speed freaks like me, who didn't give a damn which way I swayed. That, and Ares and the guys there, made me feel finally where I was supposed be… in peace… at home…

Accepted.

Ibiki returned with energy drinks – beer was out of question, since we'd gathered to ride. He handed me one and smirked.

"Dare for a small competition?"

I ginned widely "Bring it!"

* * *

><p>I yawned widely in front of the monitor – even my coffee, brought by Reiji, didn't help to wake me up, since I stood with my new found friends all night long, thanks to the energy drinks. Finally, around 4 am, I got back to my place and had exactly 2 hours of sleep before I had to go to work.<p>

Izumo entered our room, late again, but he looked different than the last few weeks. He put a still slightly steaming package on my desk. I eyed it warily as if it would bite me.

"What is it?", I asked.

"Peace offer?", he kinda suggested.

Curious, I opened the paper bag and lifted the lid of the square box inside.

_Oooohh…, my inner self moaned._

"…Lasagna is not a Mexican dish", I noted, in spite of my inner happy dance.

"I know, I just thought… I heard you talking about it with Shikaku the other day and decided…"

Instead of telling him that he thought right, I made use of the fork, wisely put in the package, and stuffed my mouth. My eyes crossed and I couldn't hold back the moan.

"Oh, dear Kami…", I looked up at him, noticing his blushing face and suppressing a smirk (so, he liked screamers, huh? Good to know, good to know…). "You cooked that?"

He shook his head. "Mom did."

"It's still hot…", I noted again.

"I… went to bring you some… before work…"

I averted my eyes, muttering a thanks.

"She asked about you."

"Hmmm?"

"Mom. And Maria too.", short laugh "She scolded me that I had upset you and demanded I bring you for lunch this Saturday…"

I grinned widely. "Well… I can never deny a lady."

He smirked, fighting a real smile. "Oh? I thought it was gentlemen that you couldn't deny…"

I blinked, choking a bit. Did he just say a joke with a naughty subtext!.?

He laughed, turning and walking away. "Saturday, 8 am. Be ready, rat boy!"

I felt a small twinge when he called me that (I'd have to tell him one of these days), but then focused on the Saturday I was about to have. And the "peace offer" at hand.

"Good lasagna", I nodded to myself and stuffed my mouth again.

**A.N.** As you can see (I hope) I'm warming it up again. Then angst again. Then better. Then major angst. Then fluff in the end. That's how I work. Dare to not review again and watch me end this.


	11. Chapter 11 High

**A.N.** I'm back! Sorry for the wait, my beloved (few) reviewers! I hope you enjoy a funny new chaper of **To live again**!

**A.N. 2** Please do check the first chapter of my new **SasuNaruSaku family fic - Tripartite Love** :)

**A.N. 3** Please also check my very first** HarryDraco fic - Freedom** :)

Chapter 11 - High

On the next day Inuzuka Tsume made her second trip to our room, with a square box in her hands, which she put on my desk with a dramatic gesture. I blinked at the box.

And it blinked back.

A little furball – white, with black ears and a black spot on its back - was watching me with big brown eyes, looking utterly... ok, I will not say cute. Or adorable. Or… no, I will not say those. I'm a man. Yeah.

So… sometime into that bike-riding, energy-drink-drowned night I might have slipped about the rat and my empty apartment…

"Oh, no, you didn't…", I said.

"Oh, yes, I did", Tsume declared smugly. "Akamaru's first born son."

My eyes widened, terrified. "Y-you mean… this fella will get THAT big!.?.!"

"Ah, well… probably", she shrugged like it was nothing much.

"No! Tsume, get it… take it back! I cannot…! Do you know where I live?.!"

Her expression turned somewhat intimidating – the smirk disappeared, her animalistic eyes narrowed and she said coldly "It is a gift from the Inuzukas. Do you intend to offend me, detective?"

Let me get that straight – I am not afraid of Inuzuka Tsume. I just didn't want to break our friendship. Plus, Izumo looked totally smitten around the puppy, already reaching from his desk to mine.

"W-well… okay..?", I slid the box closer to me under Tsume's wild eyes. The puppy whimpered. Izumo's eyes almost turned into heart shapes.

"What's his name?", I asked. Tsume shrugged again.

"He's not named yet. He's yours now, you name him."

"Hmmm…", I stared at the puppy "How should I call you, huh…?"

"AaaaAaArgH, JASHIN HELP ME, I'LL KILL YOU, BASTARD!", Hidan yelled just then. The puppy barked.

My eyes widened. "Oh, no, no, no….!"

Izumo grinned. "Hey, Hidan, say that again!", he chuckled.

"What?.! Jashin he-…"

Another bark. I almost broke into tears.

"Jashin?", I asked weakly.

Bark.

Damn it!

* * *

><p>We agreed on Jash. I am so not naming my dog after a psycho's "god"!<p>

Two days after I got him from a snickering Tsume (damn her!) Jash had already eaten my favorite sneakers, my bed's one leg and my Metallica T-shirt. Izumo suggested he might be showing good music taste. I said that if one more accident happened I'll show him the dog house under my flat.

Kiba kindly (guiltily) offered to train him in his spare time and teach me in weekends how to train Jash myself. He also laughed his ass out about the name…

Iruka's eyes when he saw Jash hinted that he might be getting (himself and) his brother a dog soon. Or… himself and Kakashi as rumor had it. Deciding to test that rumor I dragged him on the rooftop on Friday and asked him directly.

He smiled into his beer can, but there was something distant in his eyes. "We haven't moved in together. We sometimes spend the night at each other's place, that's it."

"And?"

"And what?"

I sighed. "Have you seen your face when you talk about him?"

It was his turn to take a deep breath. "His boss is bugging him. ANBU-s are… not known for having any sort of romantic affairs. To them, love is thought to get in the way of their work."

"He doesn't seem to give a damn about them…", I noted. He smiled a bit.

"No. He knows they know what an… asset he is to them, so…", he took in a shaky breath and blurted out quickly. "He said I'm his most important someone now. He said that… that after everything he'd done for them, now he deserves to be happy. With me."

I smiled. "Sounds familiar", I noted. He chuckled.

"Yeah…"

A few seconds of silence passed before he asked "How about you and Izumo? How are things between you?"

I smiled a bit. "I'm invited to his parents' house tomorrow."

Iruka grinned, uttering a very meaningful "Oh."

I shrugged a bit, smiling. "He bribed me with lasagna."

"Of course he did", Iruka nodded, still grinning.

I sighed again. "Things are… always shaky between us. Ups and downs. I know you'd say every relationship of any kind has them, but…Ours seem so... drastic. In the two most far opposites – either it's too bad, or it's too good…"

"High and low tides", Iruka nodded with understanding.

"Is this our high then?"

"I guess", he looked at me, as if trying to read me.

I shook my head. "Then why can't I help myself but waiting for the low again?"

Iruka said nothing. He just patted my back with a gesture, so understanding, that no words were needed…

* * *

><p>Sure enough Izumo came banging on my door the next morning, again with the "rat boy". I did tell him about the rat then and he even went as far as to say sorry and look guilty. I didn't like the realization of how much I liked that expression.<p>

We were already by the car when he noted "Hey, where's Jash? I thought you'd bring him…"

"Izumo. The thing ate my bed, two favorite T-shirts and most comfortable snickers. Do you really want it on your leather seats?.!"

He paled a bit. "Good point. Very good point. So, um, where is he (and why do you call him an "it")?"

"Cuz he's destruction machine and he is with Kiba."

Something like annoyance flashed through his face but he said nothing and just took the driver's seat. We made some small talk till we reached his home and as soon as we stepped on the path leading to the house a cannon ball hit me screaming "Uncle Tetsuuuuu!", leaving me unable to any kind of speech for a long time. As soon as I untangled myself from overexcited (and probably high with sweets) Keiko I was almost suffocated again by Maria, talking so fast in Spanish that I couldn't even catch a word. Izumo translated later that she was just happy to see me again. His mother and sister followed the same pattern of greeting and I began feeling almost like the Prodigal son, coming back home (and I have never felt this way in my original home).

The three women made sure to stuff me with homemade (and oh so delicious) food – in that creepy subtle way in which you laugh and talk and they fill your dish and in the end you don't even know how you consumed so much food and wine. Finally, I had to excuse myself to the restroom. When I was coming back however I passed near the kitchen and couldn't help but hear that conversation.

"…don't mess things up with him, Izumo. I'm serious. I know you enough to know how you unstable you get when you become… attracted to someone.", his mother was saying.

My steps halted just outside of the kitchen. I didn't mean (or wanted to be caught) to eavesdrop, but damn…! "Attracted" ?

"I know, Mom…", his voice was a bit hollow.

"… Did you forgive yourself?"

"Wha-…?"

"For having, _finally!,_ developed feelings for another?"

"I…", he choked. I risked a peek through the slightly ajar door only to see him nodding curtly.

Forgiveness? Was that what that had been? All the time he spent in the graveyard, begging his ex for forgiveness… because he might… just might… be falling for another…? For… me?

I stepped away quickly, both happy that I heard what I wanted and sad that I heard it that way and not directly from him…

A.N. Well, sinner as I am, I do love to be praised... :P


	12. Chapter 12 Interested

**A.N.** I know, I know it's been a while. I try, guys. Yeah?

Chapter 12 - Interested

(or Lapdance ;) )

As I thought about it later… things looked too good, too… normal back then. It should have rung a bell…

Instead, I was happy. I was getting along with my partner, finally, I had more than a few good friends who knew I liked guys and didn't mind at all, had colleagues I could chat and drink with.

Had a dog, that kept destroying my place, but that is another question…

"Aaaargh, I need a drink!"

I pretended I didn't hear him. Last time he needed a drink we kissed and everything got messed up.

"Come oooon…. Please? It's Friday night…"

"Hmm? I ain't stoppin' you, you can go wherever you want."

He sat on my desk, before me, almost on the keyboard.

"I'm working", I grumbled.

"I wanna go out with you tonight. I promise I'll behave, so… Please?"

I honored him with a look. His was pleading – I knew I was lost from the second I saw it.

"I wanna introduce you to some friends", he continued.

"Huh? So we're not going to "Spade?"

He laughed.

"Not tonight. The place I wanna show you is… different.", he smiled deviously.

* * *

><p>Different, huh? As in… gay bar?.!<p>

And the guys he called "friends" were all handsome and well-built.

"Izumo… how did it happen that all your friends look like rockstars or fucking models?.!"

He laughed again. "Eeerm…. Remember when I told you about that time when I was fooling around…?"

My eyes widened. "Those are your exes!.!.!.!.!"

"Not _all_ of them… Kaito and Aro are just friends…"

I glared at him. There were _seven_ guys around the table. And then I had to remind myself – that had been his life before Shiki. Who could blame him to have lived that life?

"Come, I'll introduce you", he smirked.

Now, as a cop and a decent member of society, I should first say what was my first impression of each of those men.

Instead, as a man (gay or straight, it does not matter, believe me) I'll say which of them I decided I wanted to fuck if given the chance. Kaito – short black hair, just enough to grab and force down there or for a kiss, and mischievous black eyes, which were stripping me as he gave me a once-over.

Diego… damn if he could speak in Spanish in bed… whoa, easy, Kotetsu…

Benjiro*. The one with those deep, striking blue eyes and dark brown hair. A quiet guy… but you know what they say about those…

Not that the others – a blond (bleached) grey eyed Akihiko**; a brightly grinning, and brightly red haired green eyed (contacts) Kaemon***; the tough guy Montaro**** (hm… wonder if he's big everywhere?) and Aro – with long braided honey colored hair and kind brown eyes – weren't hot. Just… not my type, ya know?

But there were all cool guys, easy to talk to and easy to laugh with.

"So, how long since you moved here, Kotetsu?", Kaemon asked.

"Er, … huh… half a year, actually", I realized.

"How come you don't have a boyfriend yet?"

"Kae…!", Izumo warned.

"Why, you offering?", I grinned.

Kaemon's eyes flashed to Izumo as he grinned back and said "Maybe."

The guys laughed.

"Don't mind Kae, Kotetsu, he just can't hold himself", Akihiko said, strangely eyeing Aro, who was quietly avoiding the stare.

Hmmm. There was a story there.

Izumo coughed lightly and stood up.

"Come on, dance with me", he said, pulling me from my chair. As if on cue, the song that began made the other guys whistle.

"Aaaah, I love that song!", Kaemon immediately proclaimed.

"I find it hilarious…", Montaro declared.

"Naah, songs like this are his specialty", Akihiko said knowingly.

"Huh?.!"

"Oh, just watch…"

_[**A.N.** – insert Far – Pony here]_

The dangerous sounding beat was getting to me, even if I wasn't in the mood. He grabbed me and pulled our bodies flush to one another. His eyes setting me on fire, I let myself be handled around by him.

Was he playing in front of them? What game was he playing? Rubbing himself to me like that… His hands slid around me and grabbed my ass, making me jump a bit. I heard the guys chuckling.

I could only hear parts of the lyrics… seemingly those exact parts to make my blood boil even more…

"_Someone who knows how to ride… take me to my limits…"_

He slid one leg between mine, rubbing it to my erection. My hands automatically going around his waist, I bit my bottom lip to stop myself from moaning.

"_If you're horny, let's do it…. Come on… jump on it…"_

I felt more people watching us, but didn't care anymore. One of his hands was playing with my nipple… the other went lower; all the while his body not stopping to sway his hips teasingly . He grabbed me through my jeans and squeezed…

…Were my dreams clairvoyant?... I hope so!

"_Just once if I have the chance… the things I would do to you!"_

Oh, yes! I wanted to throw him on a nearby table and fuck him in front of all those guys!

As if tempting me to do just that, he turned around and grinded his ass to my crotch…

"_You and your body… every single portion… Send chills up and down your spine…"_

Uuuhhhmmm…. Yeah, I could feel those chills…

"…_juices flow down your thigh…." _

I gulped. His body writhed more in my lap… His hands now running up and down my thighs, his body between them… His neck arched backwards, his lips were parted, his eyes closed….

Fuck…

"_If you're horny, let's do it…. Come on… jump on it!"_

He turned again, now grinding our obvious erections. We both gasped. One of his hands threaded in my hair, our brows touching, and he looked straight in my eyes… His lips were parted and I saw him licking them, eyes going to my lips… so close….

The music stopped.

I stepped back, as if he had burned me, panting, staring at him. What had he done to me? Was this some kind of spell he had casted on me? That was the most erotic moment in my life…

I realized two things at the same time: everyone was watching us and my pants were really tented. With a last confused look at him, I almost ran to the restroom. I heard whistles and cheers behind me.

Damn… he deserved those.

* * *

><p>Wanking in a bar's toilet is not something that will make a man talkative (or at least not me), so the ride back to my place was a quiet one. I was grateful he didn't push, but in the same time couldn't help but think what was he thinking.<p>

"Hey", he started when we neared my apartment "About what happened in the club…"

"You mean your little lapdance?"

He chuckled a bit and nodded.

"Do you do that with, like, every man around you, or just any gay man…?"

I stopped when I saw his eyes darken and the smile fading.

"Sorry…", I said.

"No, I don't do that with everyone, Kotetsu. Not even with all of them, my exes."

"Oh."

"Maybe Kaemon, he really liked that… and Montaro, man, didn't that make his big, big…"

"Ok, you should have stopped on "my exes!"

He chuckled again, pulling over in front of my place. Then he looked at me.

"Perhaps I did not make myself clear so far. I am… very interested in you… Kotetsu. If you find that repulsive or if you are afraid or not ready… you better tell me now. Cuz I tend to get really serious when I'm really interested in something. Or some_one_."

I wonder if that's the moment I found out I was interested in more than just his body I have wanted since the moment I saw him. Since then I knew I desired him. I just now realized I wanted to get to know him too.

Or… Did I find that out just now or have I always wanted to know him, understand him?

"I'm interested", I only said. He smiled.

"Don't mind if I act on it then", he said, leaning down to kiss me.

**A.N.** Ah! *gasps and grinns* Happy now? Some jealousy next time? REVIEW! ;)

* Benjiro – peaceful

** Akihiko – bright boy

*** Kaemon – joyful; old samurai name

**** Montaro – big boy :D


	13. Chapter 13 Eifersucht

**A.N.** Enjoy the hot stuff till I get to the angst…

Chapter 13 - Eifersucht*

I was walking to the station this morning, too gloomy to even ride my bike.

Monday. It leaves a nasty taste in your mouth even as you're saying it out loud. Mondays should be banned. Or at least there should be a law, creating a source providing free chocolate on Mondays.

Do I sound mushy? I could bet chocolate is a girly thing. Damn. More training with Ares is what I need. Get some sense kicked in me…

I entered our room, dodging a paper ball, meant to hit Hidan, enduring said zealot's enraged cries when it did, taking my coffee from Skikaku and came to a halt in front of _him_.

Though two days had passed since then, that night was still fresh in my mind. His body flush to mine, writhing, grinding to all the right places… his hands on me, on my ass, on my crotch… his lips on mine… that kiss lead to nothing more. That night. But when he pulled back and smiled, his eyes promised me… More. Soon…

I was either madly blushing or my jeans were tented, I was sure. I was probably grinning like a loon.

Izumo smirked, damn him, and shook his head.

"There ain't much to be done here today", he said, pointing to our desks, where, amazingly, even the paperwork wasn't all that much. "Wanna play hooky?", he grinned.

"I wanna play… hooky", I grinned back, making the pause deliberately and finally making him blush.

"Cool, we can take Jash with us, I bet he needs some more space to run…"

"Oh, sure, I'll just stop by Kiba's and take him…"

Izumo's smile faded and a strange glint shone in his eyes.

"Kiba's. Sure", he all but gritted out.

I frowned as we were both making our way to the exit. What was up with him?.!

Of course, Cap. Namiashi wasn't going to let us have fun, or any free time for that matter, and his (always) enraged cries dragged us in his office just as we were about to slip away from the department. We got an assignment to check on an eventual criminal's hideout and we decided we could do that on our way to Kiba's. The captain gave me some uncharacteristically worried glances.

"Hagane, as much as I hate to ask that, do you need a few days break or something? You look out of place here, spacing out."

"Eeerm,.. heh, I'm alright, sir. Thanks?", I fidgeted, trying not to look at Izumo and making it obvious as to why I was distracted.

The captain nodded, dismissing us and returning to the paperwork on his desk.

"I don't suppose you know how Shiranui Genma is, captain? He doesn't seem… 'out of place' here in Our room lately, yeah?", Izumo suddenly said, making cap. Namiashi's head shoot up and his eyes narrowed, inspecting his detective. Izumo didn't even flinch, staring back.

Aparently Izumo had seen the captain's worry as... checking out? That glare he gave our boss clearly said "Keep your hands on Genma and don't even dare look at what's mine!"

Cap. Namiashi ended the battle of glares when he spoke. "You may leave. Now!"

Izumo nodded. "Have a nice day, captain", he said, making his way to the door. I followed him, barely nodding to the captain.

"What was that?.!", I hissed when we were out and walking once again towards the double doors to Our room.

"Nothing", he hissed back.

That's when Hidan, who was passing by, decided to smack my ass playfully, grinning like the idiot he was. See, Hidan wasn't really gay. More like… "I'd fuck anything with pulse" kinda guy (I do hope he still chooses them with pulse!). Apparently that didn't go against his "religion" and he was pretty much always fooling around, even when both parties knew it meant nothing more than the slightest flirt or even a joke or something (like this case now).

Izumo growled, grabbed my hand, turned around and paced to the evidence closet on the other side of the room. He all but threw me inside, stepped in, closed and locked the door and trapped me to the wall. And then he kissed me.

Nothing like Friday night's almost innocent kisses. These were deep, possessive, claiming. I could almost hear them screaming "Mine!"

Woah. We were like… were we even together? Friday night was… you know, "I'm interested" as in "Ok, let's try", but… not like "We're together now as a couple". Right?

Well, Izumo didn't seem to agree.

While he was kissing me, making me dizzy with his tongue (fuck, damn, hot!), his skillful hands undid my belt and pushed down my jeans and boxers. He pulled back from the kiss, smiled that bastard smile and dropped to his knees.

Oh, dear Kami sama…!

"Zu-Zumo… the door… guys… walk in…", I tried, kind of aware I sounded like an idiot (hey, having their cocks on display with the one they want between their legs does that to men).

He snorted. "Why do you think it has a lock from the _inside_?"

My face burnt red. They knew! It was so obvious! They all knew we were gays, and we had just closed the door behind us and anyone who might try the handle and find it locked would _know_…!

Any thought I might have left in my head died as his mouth engulfed me.

Fuck. Damn. Had it been that long!.? I… had forgotten how good… how amazing… or was he _that_ good?.! Fuck!

"Fuck, Zumo!"

I tried not to buck at first, but then noticed his hands on my ass, squeezing, encouraging me… I gave up then, giving in to total abandon as I started fucking his mouth.

"Oh, fuck, baby, yeah! Zumo, so good, so good….!"

….Again – blowjobs do that to men, making us totally mentally disabled while it lasted.

I don't know if he somehow transferred his feelings to me, but in that second I understood him. Possessiveness I have never felt before, raw and wild, engulfed me as I grabbed his honey hair and gripped hard, pushing faster in his mouth. Mine. He was mine! It didn't matter if we had first consensually kissed three days ago or agreed we'd try… something, after another drunken night and a dirty dance. He was mine, mine!

And he was taking me to Heaven!

"Zu… close!"

He smiled around my prick and nodded slightly, in understanding and agreement. "Go on", the gesture said, making the knots in my stomach uncoil into one of my strongest orgasms ever. I bit my fist to muffle my wild screams (damn, and I was actually quiet in bed!) as I came violently in his mouth. Not grimacing like some of my partners, he swallowed it and watched with mischievous eyes as I slid bonelessly down the wall. He waited till my panting slowed down a bit and said hoarsely

"This… was _something_. This was me, making it clear for you, cuz it seems it wasn't after Friday night. You're mine. No one has the right to flirt with you or even check you out. And don't you dare looking at another man while you're with me."

I should have been alarmed at the almost maniacal possessiveness in him. Instead I grinned and said "Same goes for ya."

He smiled, almost surprised at what he said next "Yeah. I'm with you now."

**A.N.** The title was inspired by Rammstein's song, named like that. It means Jealousy.


	14. Chapter 14 Low

**IMPORTANT A.N. !** The following contains a scene with sexual abuse. I apologize to those, who might feel offended as this was not my intent. The others … You have been warned.

Chapter 14 - Low*

I should have been alarmed in the first place by his possessiveness. I'm a cop, damn it, I've seen many abusive husbands that had started with that. I've seen what extreme possessiveness does.

Why didn't I see it then? Why didn't I see it right in front of me?

But he tried to keep it under control. After that evidence-closet-incident (my face still burns red when I remember the moment we went out and all the guys were looking away, blushing, even Hidan!) he seemed to have calmed down. He didn't growl every time Hidan was in heat or when I mentioned Kiba or something. He kept the work-partnership-relationship at the office, but always became snuggly when our shift was over and we walked to the parking lot, where he would press me to the car and kiss me senseless.

For about two weeks since that faithful Friday night we hadn't done anything that could be considered real sex. A few handjobs and blowjobs were all we were content with at the time. And kisses. I know how girly this will sound, but I was addicted to them and had never before felt that dizzy from just a kiss as I did with him.

I knew he was developing strong feelings for me. These things are felt in the way a person is hugging you, or kissing you or even looking at you. I knew he… well maybe not loved me (yet), but getting there, you know?

And still, there were those moments, little stolen moments, when I knew he was still thinking about him.

It was nearly two weeks after we had started dating (still secretly from the guys at the station) when I noticed that. When I had first come in the office and took my coffee from Reiji it was obvious something was bothering him.

Again. I knew that look.

"What is it?", I simply asked.

His first reaction was to try and smile, wave it away and pretend it was nothing. Then his eyes met mine and he saw that I knew it was something to do with his dead brother.

"He would have turned 29 today", Reiji simply answered, looking away and hurrying to engage himself in work so he wouldn't have to think.

That night on the parking lot I felt Izumo was somewhere else when he kissed me. With someone else, if only in his mind. I pushed him away and stepped back.

"Just stop it…", I muttered, looking away.

"What is it?", he insisted. I sighed, finally meeting his eyes.

"Look, I can't compete against the dead, Izumo. Alright, but I won't be a substitute either."

His face showed it all – he was first overtaken with anger, then acceptance, then shame and grief.

It was only our (or just mine?) bad luck that Kisame and Hidan were passing by, laughing at a joke, followed by bored Itachi and Kakuzu. Kisame saw us, waved and yelled

"Yo, guys, we're going out drinking, wanna come?"

He looked at me pleadingly. "Come on. We both need alcohol."

I nodded and followed him. I couldn't know then that that would be something I'll regret forever…

* * *

><p>He was wasted. I mean totally wasted. Not like before, when he kissed me and he was intoxicated. He was downright drunk now.<p>

And crawling in my lap.

"Zumo… the guys are here. Come on, stop it… it's not the place and time…"

"The hell with them… Would you give me a ride, Tetsu? Hmm? I wanna ride you…"

Fuck. Don't say it, don't talk to me like that…

"Slowly? Or fast and hard?"

…cuz…

"Or do you want me to blow you first?…"

Naaah, I don't think you'll _need_ to blow me after that little speech of yours…

Izumo felt my hardened cock, pocking his inner thigh and grinned.

"Oh? Up and ready? Already? Hmm….", his fingers began playing with my belt.

"Izumo!", I barked. "T-The club… the guys…!"

"Don't deny me, Tetsu…", he giggled. I swear – giggled! _"No, baby, now, don't deny me… And, darlin', don't be afraid…"**_

Damn. Totally wasted…

"Come on, let's get you home…"

He grinned lewdly. "Ok!"

I sighed.

We got into the car – I was driving of course, with Izumo only distracting me by talking dirtily or touching the wrong places… Ok, I just had to go to his place, leave him in his bed and I could go home to get some rest for myself… Sounds so simple…

If only…

One thing I didn't know about Izumo's drunkenness… was that it was unpredictable.

Once we stepped in his apartment, he suddenly got his strength back and tossed me on his bed. I looked up, surprised. "Zumo?"

That insane glimpse in his eyes… I don't think I'll ever forget it… He grinned maniacally.

"We're partners, right? And partners do each other favors…"

"Izumo…"

My belt was undone before I knew what was happening.

"Izumo, stop it! You're drunk!"

I could stop him. But I'd have to hurt him. Could I hurt him just enough for him to leave me? Or would it be too strong of a punch right now? I remembered what my sensei at the Academy in Suna used to say… _"You don't know your strength, Hagane…"_

He took advantage of my hesitance and pulled off my jeans with one single movement.

"You little…! Stop it!"

I was flipped on my stomach, with my ass up in the air. My boxers were torn away… My eyes widened with terror, I stopped breathing…

…No…

"…!"

Speak… Tell him to stop!... Yell! Scream! STOP HIM!

Without any preparations, he just thrust into me.

Maybe here would be a good time to say that ever in my life so far I had been a seme.

… I couldn't even scream. It hurt _that_ much. I couldn't even whimper, or sob… just felt my tears running down, as if they were falling down someone else's face… not mine… this was not my body that was violated now… this was not my body that hurt so bad… this was not my partner, I secretly had a crush for, hurting me… this… wasn't real, wasn't real….

Still… I could hear his grunts of pleasure, his moans and hollow, meaningless praising… Please, just let him finish faster… let it all be over quicker…

"Aaah! Shiki!"

The hand, that wasn't my hand, gripped the sheets tightly. The eyes, that were not my eyes, clenched tightly. The voice, that was not mine, was lost in the dry throat, that was not mine. The heart, that was not mine, broke…

After what felt like an eternity he pulled out and dropped on the bed next to me. I saw the tears, running down his own face, when he whispered again "Shiki…", before he found peace in sleep.

I laid there, not moving, barely breathing… I was trying to gather myself enough to just leave…

Not really realizing yet what had happened to me, I stood up. The pain was great, but the desire to get out of there was greater. I somehow pulled on my jeans, found my wallet in the pocket… Good, I'd catch a taxi now… yeah… and… maybe resign in the morning… or… just get on my bike and hit the road without saying anything to anyone… but first… home… or something like that… shower… clean… myself…

I found myself shaking badly under the shower in my apartment, hunched in two, arms around my knees... I have… never in my life… felt that… weak. Defeated. Dirty. Used. Ashamed…

I stood up, wincing, stopped the water and went to my bed. Then I just curled up under the blankets and wished I don't wake up in the morning…

**A.N.** * - The title goes with the chapter named "High":

_"High and low tides", Iruka nodded with understanding._

_"Is this our high then?" (Kotetsu asked)_

This chapter now refers to Izumo and Kotetsu's low (tide)

** - lyrics are from Disturbed's song Stupify.

**A.N. 2** To lighten up the mood (or at least try), for those of you who like the anime **Naruto** and the idea of a threesome **SasuNaruSaku** in a **FAMILY** way (yes, they will eventually be a family, all three of them :) ), please check out my fic** Tripartite love** - it needs love and reviews too! :D


	15. Chapter 15 A forced holiday

**A.N.** This, and the next chapter, concern the morning after the night when Izumo… forced himself on Kotetsu. The next one will be from Izumo's POV.

Chapter 15 – A forced holiday

(The morning after, still Kotetsu's POV)

But I did. I did wake up. I opened my eyes and stared through the window and into the bright blue sky. Was it mocking me…?

I hurt all over. Not just my…

Damn it!

Damn it…

…

Maybe I'll just stay here, in this bed, forever. Yeah, I won't move at all. The hell with the world…

Then, after I'm sick of it, I'll gather my stuff and leave. Hit the road, like I thought…

Or…

It was Saturday. It wasn't my and… _his_ turn to take the weekend shift, so I didn't know whose turn it was. But Cap. Namiashi will be there…

I wanted, _needed_ to get away without telling anybody anything. What did they matter, any of them? What could they possibly say or do now?

But…

But no matter what people thought, no matter what I desired… I wasn't irresponsible. I'll go and tell my boss that he couldn't count on me anymore…

Yeah… just… a few more minutes… Hidden. Away from the world…

* * *

><p>I knocked on his door and heard the grumbled "Come in" from his office. I stepped inside.<p>

Immediately, I saw his eyes on me, measuring me, taking a note of my limping I just couldn't hide – I didn't know how. Oh, but he knew. I knew Namiashi Raidou knew. He knew what had happened to me. And one look at my face was enough for him to understand it hadn't been consensual. His eyes widened a bit, but he didn't say anything. He didn't even push me to start talking – he was just looking at me uncharacteristically calmly and… with understanding.

"I… I need to resign, sir."

His eyes widened even more. It was so transparent – he immediately put two and two together and knew who was the reason for my limping. He gulped once, obviously surprised and confused, then began talking calmly.

"Look… Why don't you first take a week off? No, just listen to me! Take a week off, go somewhere. Rest. Try… try not to think… of… what bothers you now. And if after a week you still want to resign, I'll accept it. But just… think about it, about your place _here_. With _us_."

"I…", I muttered, my eyes glued to the floor, not meeting his. Or anyone's, ever again…

"There's an onsen just outside of the city. It's quite secluded. Go there. I'll arrange the Konoha Police Department to pay for it."

"I-I…"

"It's an order, Hagane."

I nodded, my fists clenched, my head still lowered.

"I'll send a map and the paycheck to your place later."

Another nod – that was all I was capable of, before I almost ran out of his office so he couldn't see the tears falling down again…

**A.N.** To **Serani**, who I deeply respect as a writer and would like to think of as a friend: Honey, I am sorry for all the angst, I do!But (like all semes say XD)- I'll make it good for you, babe! ;)

To a certain **Kinky little wolf**: I hope one of my most serious fans so far will not get tired of all the angst as well? I think we already got over my other major worry...


	16. Chapter 16 The morning after

**A.N.** To a very impatient, yet understanding **Serani**, and all those who love this story and REVIEW! :P

Chapter 16 - The morning after

**! Izumo's POV !**

My head hurt. It hurt like a bitch.

Fuck. Another drunken night. I'd done it again…

My whole body felt beaten, even as I was lying down in my bed, not moving.

My head was pounding. Something smelled weird. I needed coffee. And some food.

My stomach twisted and I felt sick. Ok, no food.

I opened my eyes groggily to find myself sprawled on my stomach in my own bed. The sheets were wrinkled strangely. They usually are wrinkled only on my side of the bed, ever since Shiki…

I frowned and cut off that line of thoughts. Groaning, I moved away the blanket.

My eyes widened and I froze.

Blood.

There were blood stains on my sheets and my hangover was worse enough that I may have done… anything. I checked myself, just in case. No wounds.

Fuck… Fuck! FUCK!

Think, idiot, last night… the club… Something Kotetsu said and I made a joke about some song…

Kotetsu!

KOTETSU!

Oh, fuck! Oh, no, no, no!

No, just, no way…! I couldn't have…!

"_Izumo, stop it! You're drunk!"_

Oh, Kami sama, oh, Kami, oh, Kami!

"_You little…! STOP IT!"_

I stared at the stains again. Blood… and spunk. Not enough to be from two men.

My come and his blood.

I jumped from the bed, threw on some clothes, not even seeing what I was wearing, and ran out. I jumped in my car, driving so fast to the station, that I am sure some colleagues must have itched to write me a fine. I must have looked like a madman, bursting into the room, looking around insanely…

Only to find his desk empty.

No…

NO!

I turned and ran into Cap. Namiashi's office.

"Where is he!.?", I yelled.

He eyed me coldly, with something quite near to disgust. "Sit", he bit out, quietly.

…Fuck…. He knew.

"I reckon you've sobered", he all but hissed.

I had never heard him talking like that, with so much resentment. I only nodded, eyes glued on the floor.

"He left."

My head snapped up; I knew my eyes were wide, mad. I noticed I was breathing hard, almost panting. Left… I would never see him again…

The captain snorted. "Get back on Earth, will ya? He's on a… holiday is the term I'll use for the guys. You and I both know it's more like rehabilitation."

"Where…", I started, but he took a deep breath and snapped at me.

"I am…", slow exhale as if calming his nerves, trying not to hit me. "THIS CLOSE…", through gritted teeth, "from firing you, you filthy,… lowly… excuse of a man! He came here, a wreck, begged me to let him resign. I convinced him to take a week off; but I begin to question my decision. I saw him, Kamizuki… I saw what you'd done to him, I saw what no words he never uttered could tell me…!", another deep breath. "Leave. My office. NOW!", he bellowed the last word and I must have mechanically done what he told me, because I found myself in our room. I must have looked lost, the way I felt, because I heard Reiji's faint voice asking, "You ok, man?"

"I… need…"

"Hey… need me to take you somewhere? Hospital, home..?"

Home… I…

I shook my head, dragging my feet towards the door.

I got in my car again, driving, seemingly aimlessly. I knew where I was only after I found the car parked in front of my family house. Even before I got out of the car and started walking towards the front door I knew I was so close… so close to breaking apart.

The door opened.

"Izumo…?", I heard my mother's voice.

I didn't dare look up and meet her eyes. "Mom… I screwed up…", was the last thing I remember saying.

* * *

><p>That first day I didn't get back to work.<p>

The next six days… were hell.

All the guys in the station were giving me strange looks. And I mean all of them.

Shiranui Genma alternated mean looks with searching ones, as if trying to figure something out for himself. I knew the rumors that they were fuck buddies, the captain and Genma, but I doubted those. Still… if they were, had the captain told him?

Iruka missed Kotetsu – I caught him throwing sidelong glances towards Kotetsu's empty desk. I knew they were friends - Iruka was one of the few people Kotetsu trusted, I realized then, and sought out when he needed someone to share things with, things that bothered him. Apparently, Kotetsu hadn't sought him out this time… yet. But when he came back, _if_ he came back, … would he?

Reiji looked concerned about me. He kept asking me if I was alright, making me hate myself even more. I couldn't tell him that I didn't deserve his care, because he would ask me why. And I just couldn't take the hatred in his eyes if he ever found out what I'd done. I have not only shamed Kotetsu, but Reiji's brother as well, being the one Shiki once loved and having just proved myself unworthy of that…

I even caught Hatake Kakashi and Inuzuka Tsume staring at me – Kakashi over his trademark porn books and Tsume openly glaring, a trademark of hers. I didn't know what Kakashi had to do with this – he and Kotetsu weren't close, I was sure, but Tsume had, miraculously, become Kotetsu's friend…

After our talk, on that first day, the captain just ignored me. I had to admit that was the best possible decision I could ever hope for.

Seven days. I just had to survive with myself seven days. The hope that he will, indeed, come back, kept me relatively sane. And in the same time, there was the fear… what would I tell him if I see him again? What could I possibly tell him…?

* * *

><p>And then he came back.<p>

It wasn't a sudden act since I was counting the days and I knew he was reliable enough to come back right on the day he is supposed to, if he decided to come back at all.

He had, apparently.

The door opened and Hagane Kotetsu stepped in, as if he had never left.

And yet… not quite.

His black spiky hair was pulled back in a ponytail, he wore black sunglasses. He was dressed in leather – a black and red leather jacket and black leather trousers, that made Hidan whistle. He held a helmet for his bike, black as well, black as his boots were also…

But the creepiest thing in him was the smile.

He was smiling. A hollow, plastic smile, not meaning anything. When he took off the glasses I could see it indeed didn't reach his eyes. Also hollow, and empty, they stared right through me, before he turned back to wink at Hidan after his whistle. Hollow, meaningless gestures.

Empty.

I wanted to scream. To curse, myself and the whole world, to run, to hide, to….

To never see those empty eyes again…

**A.N**. ... Tissues? Anyone? Ok, sorry, guys, but I'm getting there, ok? I can't just jump back on the sexy stuff! Show your author some undersyanding, yeah...?


	17. Chapter 17 The five stages theory

**A.N.** Eeeh… I don't really feel like writing this stuff right when the trees outside are in full blossom (and smell sooooo good!) and I think of sakura trees viewing while eating my instant ramen (the little otaku freak I am XD), but… it has to be written, so once we're over it we can get back to the hot stuff :D Till then, if not "enjoy" the chapters, then at least appreciate your author's efforts, ne?

Chapter 17 - The five stages theory

(**Kotetsu's POV again from now on**)

**0. Conditions.**

Yes, I had those. Sue me. My partner fu… did… those things… to me… I…

I needed some new rules.

Cap. Namiashi was more than understanding. Too much understanding…

"Are you sure, Kotetsu…?"

Wow. Not Hagane, Kotetsu… I only nodded.

"I mean… will you be alright….?"

I snorted, but then nodded. "Will be", I agreed, stubbornly. "I don't want another partner and you will not let me work alone. I just need some space, that's all… No one needs to know."

"Kotetsu… you'll have to speak with our psychologist…"

I snapped my head up, shocked. "You told her…!.?"

"Hagane, you know I must report abuse of any kind…!"

I was just shaking my head, betrayed.

"Kotetsu!"

I looked up. He looked apologetic. "The guys don't know. They will not know. Just… talk with the damn shrink. I'm sorry, but you have to."

Nodding curtly again, I left the office, almost running into a suspiciously nearby standing Izumo.

"_Don't look at him, don't look at his eyes…!"_, I ordered myself, my eyes on the floor.

"I won't be patrolling with you for a while. The captain allowed me to use my bike, I'll help Reiji and Inoichi for a week or two…"

"Kotetsu…"

"I'll probably be out or training or at home, but technically we are still… p-partners", Damn it! Damn me for this weakness! What am I, a stuttering first year?, "so if you need anything, send me an e-mail…"

"Kotetsu, please….!"

"Goodbye."

* * *

><p><strong>1. Denial<strong>

Nothing happened.

Right? I'm still a man. I can kick anyone's sorry ass, anytime, anywhere!

Which I began proving, immediately. Ares and I were both black and blue by the end of the first day after I came back from my… holiday. I hadn't realized it's been an hour since we'd begun throwing the punches, but when he literally collapsed, from sheer exhaustion, I took a note that we hadn't made even the shortest break. An hour, non-stop.

He was panting, not that hurt as he was just tired.

"What… happened to you?.!", he gasped.

"Nothing", I gritted out.

I swear, if anyone asks me that, one more time, I'll tear their fucking head off!

What? Was there a sign on my face, like "Seriously fucked up", but with no small text saying "By his own partner", so they just _had_ to ask!.? All of them?.!

"You ok, man?" – Reiji.

"Oi, doll face, cheer up, will ya? What's wrong with ya?" – Hidan, for Kami's sake!

"Kotetsu, is everything ok? Do you need to talk to someone?" – even Iruka!

"I. Am. Fine. Nothing happened."

Nothing, nothing…. If I don't remember it, if I don't acknowledge it… it never happened…

* * *

><p><strong>2. Anger<strong>

[**A. N.** – insert _Limp Bizkit – Break Stuff_ here]

"_It's just one of those days…"_

"AaaaaaAAaAArgh!"

I screamed insanely, landing the bat on the old car's windscreen. Kiba had given it to me, after he had tried and tried and finally told the car's owner that this junk was beyond any repair.

"_You don't really know why  
>But you want justify<br>Rippin' someone's head off!"_

The bat hit the old metal over and over again. My hands hurt… good…

"_No human contact  
>And if you interact<br>Your life is on contract  
>Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker…"<em>

"Just die, son of a bitch, dieeeeeeeeeee!", I howled, giving the car series of hits, without even a pause, again, again and again! "AaAAaaaaaAaRGH!"

Yes, I know I was losing it. There's just difference between knowing it and being able to stop…

"_It's just one of those days  
>Feelin' like a freight train<br>First one to complain  
>Leaves with a blood stain<br>Damn right I'm a maniac  
>You better watch your back<br>Cuz I'm fuckin' up your program…"_

Some say anger frees you. Some say it makes you weak. What I say? Heh….

"_My suggestion… is to keep your distance… cuz right now I'm dangerous…."_

Hit! Hit! Again! Destroy! Erase! Kill!

"_I hope you know I pack a chain saw  
>I'll skin your ass raw<br>And if my day keeps goin' this way I just might break your fuckin' face tonight!.!"_

"WraaaaaAAaAAaArgh!"

"_Give me somethin' to break!  
>Give me somethin' to break!<br>Just give me somethin' to break!  
>How bout your fuckin' face?.!.?.!"<em>

And while my tears were running down again, while I was collapsing over the broken glass, the face I was seeing was…

* * *

><p><strong>3. Bargaining<strong>

Ok. This is what we do. We, meaning I, train. And ride. Yes. We do something productive… yes, cuz Kiba is out of old cars to break… yes. If I do something I'll have no time to think about… anything… weird… Right?

Right.

[**A.N.** Insert _Prodigy – Breathe_ here]

"_Breathe the pressure  
>Come play my game I'll test ya<br>Psychosomatic, addict, insane!"_

I'd swapped my sports bike with one of the guys' cross motorbike, just for tonight, making it easier (the cross bike being lighter, designed for that) to do some of the tricks I'd almost forgotten. Heh, I was just a kid when I got my first cross motorbike, second hand, with the first salary I got from the Suna PD.

The bike went up the hill, made of soil and dirt, that the speed freaks had made especially for such tricks. Flying… I was flying, just for a few seconds, there between the two artificial hills.

Hey. I can do this. I can do this and no one gets hurt. … Yeah.

Deal.

* * *

><p><strong>4. Depression<strong>

No deal.

Fuck it.

It doesn't work.

Nothing works anymore.

My job sucks and I can't even look my partner in the eyes. If I hit the road tomorrow no one will even notice.

Life sucks. So why live it…?

I caught myself staring at my gun, the ceremonial katana I'd received after I graduated from the Police Academy back in Suna, even the knives at the kitchen.

I'll end it. Damn it all, I'll just end it…

I don't know what and how exactly happened. I drank that night, but I can swear it wasn't that much… it wasn't… it… wasn't..?

"Kotetsu…. Kotetsu…"

A familiar voice, coming as if from some deep water… or fog…

"Kiba…?"

"Heeey", he smiled, then frowned when my eyes narrowed again. "Kotetsu, stay with me now! Listen! This is important, Kotetsu, have you…", deep sigh. "Have you taken any drugs? Cocaine or heroin? Amphe…"

"No…", I groaned. "Damn it, kid, I'm still a cop…"

Right?

Even though my own partner humiliated me…

"Kotetsu…", Kiba whispered brokenly. I looked up and realized my vision was blurry and not only because of the alcohol.

Fuck. Fuck… Not only before Iz… _him_… but the kid too…

He bowed down… and kissed my brow gently. "Tetsu… baby… don't cry, please?"

Baby? Me…? Whose baby can I be? Used and dirty and…

"No… I can't be… for you… better…", I muttered.

I think I saw his eyes watering too before I lost consciousness again…

**A.N.** Anooo… well, the fifth part of the five stages theory will be a whole chapter… later ;) Also, I hope Kinkylittlewolf is happy now, with the ways things are going – babe, I think I'll make it! ^^ (But he'll end up with Izumo, sry? :P) Serani, please bear with it for a lil bit more… please? Luv ya all!


	18. Chapter 18 Healing

**A.N.** Hey, guys, sorry for the wait! Easter, exams, work and well - life, do that. Now, **Kinkylittlewolf** - this is for you, hope you like (everyone, she was my muse for this chapter ^^). **Serani**, hope you'll agree it gets better ;). **Ferret assassin nin** and all the others who review - love u! ^^

Chapter 18 - Healing

I woke up from something poking around my head. Grunting, I reached for the thing, trying to make it stop.

"Five more minutes, Jash… food and a walk… just five minutes…", I mumbled.

Deep chuckle answered my rambling. My eyes opened.

The first thing I saw were two animalistic eyes, that watched me dreamily at first, but narrowed at me while their owner tried to judge how awake I was. Red face tattoos… brown locks and amazingly sexy body… Naked body…

What the….!

I jumped in the bed, I had obviously shared with…

"Kiba!"

He grinned.

"Wait-that-that's not how I do-…things!", I rambled.

His brows furrowed. "Things?", he simply asked, with that inadequately deep (for a kid) voice that did funny things to my stomach.

"Things! I-I… do not usually sleep with my mechanic!"

His brows furrowed again. Again uncharacteristically for a boy his age, he tried to hide his hurt with sarcasm. "Ouch. As happy as I generally am at those news, I was hoping I was more of a friend to you by now."

"Fuck… Yes, I mean no! I…", I couldn't really continue what I was saying.

He sighed. "Coffee?", he asked.

I nodded, winning myself some more time while he was preparing the drink. I stood up from the bed. I had my boxers on, my T-shirt too… We hadn't… we couldn't have…

"We didn't have sex", he simply said from the kitchen, his back turned to me.

"Oh…", well….

"I better make it clear right now – I would never, ever do such a thing. Especially to… you."

What was the meaning of this?.!

"Can you be more elaborate?"

"…not when you're drunk. I'd never take advantage of you. I'll never… force myself on you."

That was so, so fucking close to the wound, burning in my chest, that I took a step back.

"I gotta…"

"No, Kotetsu. You don't have to go. You don't have to explain. You can stay. You _should_ stay. Here, have some coffee."

Confused, I sat down, took the cup he offered me, all the while not taking my eyes off him, and sipped cautiously. He continued smiling. There was something a bit forced in that smile, like he was trying to hide something.

"Something happened", I said. He averted his eyes, but I reached for his hand and made him look at me. "Tell me."

He sighed. "It is ok. We are ok. Remember it.", he warned. Uh… no good. I nodded anyways – I needed to know.

Another sigh. "I said we didn't have sex, but… sometime into the night you became really snuggly… it was nothing more than grinding, Kotetsu, and, in both of us, the normal reaction occurred…"

My face burned red, I was having trouble breathing. Have I… been that close to doing what _**he**_ did to me… to someone else…

"I'm sorry…", I all but breathed out. "So, so sorry…."

He squeezed my hand. "Kotetsu, look at me", it took me some time but I did; he was smiling, genuinely. "We. Are. Okay.", he looked away again. "In fact I think you should move in here, I've been looking for a roommate and all…"

"What?"

"I'm not saying it as a hope that what happened last night might happen again, I'm just saying that I think that right now you need someone around you, and I need a roommate, and I think it is clear that we both like guys, and while I don't _count_ on it, if something were to happen, I wouldn't be offended or…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Kiba, I don't want this. Not with you, you mean more to me that just a random f… f…"

He smiled sadly. "It's not a random fuck. We might not even do it, in fact. This is healing."

I frowned, my breathing laboring again, my eyes searching for the answers in his eyes. Healing…? How can he know…?

"Let's just say that… I knew the signs. You sought warmth, but flinched when I tried to hug you and comfort you. I remember that I u-used to be the same…when it happened to me."

My eyes widened…

**No!**

Kiba's sad smile turned into one of self-hatred. "Yes…"

"K-Kiba…"

"Don't say anything. Just know that… I know. Alright? You can talk to me, or not, or just let me hug you, or hug me, or cry, or break some stuff I don't need… I'm here, Kotetsu. Make some _good_ use of that, ne?"

I nodded, not daring to meet his eyes directly. But with the corner of my eye I saw him smiling darkly.

"Your coffee is getting cold", he just said, moving as if to stand up.

I grabbed his hand again, but said nothing for a while. He didn't move, didn't fidget or sigh impatiently; he waited for me.

"Were you serious?", I finally managed. "About… looking for a roommate."

"No", he smiled faintly. He waited for me to look at him then said "I don't need a roommate, just anyone. The offer is valid only for you. But for _you_ – yes, I am very serious."

"… I listen to some very loud, very hard core music…"

He smirked. "So I've heard."

"Jash is a disaster with fur…"

He chuckled. "Believe me, I'm aware, having risen his father…"

"Your mother won't be happy. She might damn well ANBU-kill me…"

"Let _me_ handle her…"

"…I'm a mess right now."

"…I know."

"I might slip. I'll want to. … I might end up hurting you. And this I don't want…"

"I know, baby…", he lifted my chin, smiling gently. "Want me to help you move in?"

* * *

><p>Kiba's healing was in fact him being… himself. Understanding, caring, gentle, but in the same time manly, even though he was still a kid.<p>

A yet… a kid that had been through a lot.

I didn't dare asking him, and I bet he saw I wanted to but didn't wanna answer too. Not yet.

Instead, like he had promised, he was just… there for me.

"I'm making pancakes", he informed me as I slid through the door to his guest bedroom the next morning. It had taken us only an hour to bring the stuff I needed in his apartment and we had spent the rest of that day (after my drunken night) riding our bikes. We'd came back at 2 am and just crashed down.

I grunted something close to "thank you". He smiled as he saw me sitting on the chair that soon became "my chair" and slid a plate in front of me. His hand squeezed my shoulder briefly and he made a move as to pull it back, but my own hand darted and grabbed his palm again, holding it.

I needed those simple gestures. Being able to trust someone to be close to me again. Don't get me wrong, in the beginning I struggled to bear it, but I knew I had to get used it again. And who better to get used to than Kiba?

He said nothing. He knew.

We stayed like that for a few more moments before I let go. He moved back and continued talking like nothing had just happened.

* * *

><p>About a week had passed since I moved in Kiba's.<p>

I came back petty beaten that day. After a chasing with Reiji and Inoichi I'd gone training with Ares too, so when I came back I all but collapsed on the sofa. Kiba, who sat on the other end of the couch, reading a book, rose an eyebrow and smiled, but said nothing. The book was about cars' and bikes' design – Kiba's other big passion.

He read and I stared at him, half-realizing it but doing nothing about that.

Still not saying anything, and not moving his eyes away from the book, Kiba rose his free arm. Invitingly.

I hesitated only for a moment, then cautiously slid closer… closer… closer, till his arm finally wrapped around my shoulder, stroking gently.

We said nothing.

* * *

><p>"We need rules", I said.<p>

We laid in his bed again, facing each other. No, we hadn't had sex. But since five days ago we slept in the same bed – Kiba had proposed it. And I'd found myself wanting it; seeking his warmth – not enduring it anymore, but needing it. I still didn't let anyone else touch me. But Kiba was… something else.

"Rules about what?", he asked.

"You said healing. This isn't love; even if we someday fuck we ain't gonna be a real couple…"

He pulled back, hurt. "What, I ain't good enough for you to even _think_ about _maybe_ falling in love with me?"

"That's not what I meant and you know it! Kiba, I… I told you I might slip. I might decide I wanna try. But you and I both know we ain't gonna work. Not like that. And I don't wanna hurt you…"

"You want me to say that we are free to meet other people if we want. You need to hear that."

It wasn't a question, but I nodded anyways. "Don't stick to me, kid. I ain't worth it…"

He grabbed my head then, his feral eyes wild. "You **are** worth it! Ya hear me, you **are** worth it!.!"

I could only nod, feeling like I needed to calm _him_ down. It seemed it worked because he let go and grunted "You call me and treat me as a kid far too often, as if I haven't proven myself to be mature. I know the rules, Kotetsu. I set them, remember?"

"Do you?", I couldn't bite back.

"_**I **_ain't gonna slip", he hissed. "I know we're better for each other like this. I ain't gonna push you and it hurts me that you doubt me. Don't. What I offered you was a safe zone, even from me if you view me as a sexual partner and don't want it like that. This is your safe zone and I'm your safe friend. So try to fucking relax already."

"…You're making it so hard not to love you…"

He snorted, opening his arms again. "C'mere. And fucking shut up already so we could get some sleep…"

I snorted, but did as he told me, snuggling next to him. "Goodnight, safe friend", I smirked.

He grunted something that suspiciously sounded like a curse and I smiled before I drifted away.

**A.N.** So? Surprized ya? Shocked? Shaking your head "no"? Nodding in "yes"? Review and share an opinion! ^^


	19. Chapter 19 Safe zones and erogenous ones

**A.N.** I'm sorrryyyy, it's been a while, I know... again... I won't even whine about exams anymore (though I still have THE ONE! left...) Anyway, this one was JUST finished 10 mins ago, so if there are any mistakes, please try to ignore them and enjoy the story.

Chapter 19 - Safe zones and erogenous zones

"I'll just buy some pizza…"

"Kotetsu, damn it, I said I'll do it! Shut your mouth now! Tomatoes, find me tomatoes!"

"Kiba… you cannot cook…"

"Shut up! I'll do it! Got a book and all… what the hell is basil?.!"

I chuckled into the phone, already going towards the frozen food department in the store.

"Mmm, look what I found – "Frozen lasagna, heat in a microwave oven and dig in!..."

"I said", someone all but yelled just behind me; I turned around, surprised, only to find my temperamental roommate glaring at me, "that I'll cook you the damned thing!"

I grinned and drawled mockingly "Aaaw, aren't you sweet…"

He growled – literally and passed me, going for his tomatoes.

It was all a challenge for Kiba. I don't even know how it happened this time - I mentioned I loved lasagna, he suggested we go out to the Italian restaurant near our place, I laughed saying "Yeah, cuz you can't cook to save your life!", he reminded he'd made me pancakes (which were all he was capable of in the kitchen), I laughed again and the next second Kiba goes to buy a recipe book for Italian cuisine and kicks me out to buy him ingredients for lasagna, while he reads the recipe and "prepares". What the?.!

Anyway, once kicked out, I did go to the store. Granted, Kiba called a minute later to inform me he needed tomatoes.

"I thought you stayed home to do your magic, oh, Chef Kiba?", I commented snidely.

He huffed. "Che! As far as I know you, you'd have picked the lousiest tomatoes."

"…Should I remind you I cook better than you?"

"Instant noodles."

"Still!"

Kiba huffed again and took a look at a sheet of paper with the recipe written on it. "Basil… basil…", he looked around, spotting a female employee of the store. "Excuse me, miss, can you help me find some basil?", he asked, all "Mr. Nice guy".

The girl blushed and started explaining stutteringly where the spice could be found.

I shook my head, smirking a bit and made a move to follow him. That's when someone called my name.

"Kotetsu?"

I froze. I didn't have to turn around to see who it was; I knew that voice. Swallowing dryly, I finally faced him.

Izumo looked … different somehow. Had he lost some weight? The color of his skin was somewhat ashen and he looked… haunted.

Huh… good to know I wasn't the only one.

"I went by your place the other day, wanted to give you the file on a suspect we were supposed to investigate, but Reiji and Inoichi did, so they probably told you… I mean… anyway, the apartment was empty…"

A strong hand crept around my waist and pulled me possessively towards a toned body, as a rumbling voice growled "He's with me."

I turned to look at Kiba's animalistic eyes, glaring at Izumo. He looked ready to kill.

I cleared my throat and clarified for my… partner? "I'm staying with Kiba."

"Oh…", was all Izumo said.

Kiba pulled me again, this time urging me to walk to the cash registers. "Let's go, Kotetsu."

Realizing Kiba was insinuating every meaning of "he's staying with me", I just followed him on autopilot. It would have to do for the time being.

* * *

><p>The door slammed shut after us. The bag with the groceries fell on the floor. Kiba's lips found mine in a hard, searching, almost desperate kiss…<p>

"Wha-what are you d-doing?", I panted.

"Kissing you. Making you forget…"

I swallowed. He looked in the eyes with that mind-grasping, soul-capturing stare of his.

"I'm showing you how it's done. How it's supposed to be…"

He kissed me again, a barely-there kiss, nothing the crushing one before. This one was gentle, caressing… loving…

"Relax, Kotetsu… it's me… you know me…"

Yeah, well, I thought I knew _him_ as well…

As if he had read my mind, Kiba growled lowly. "I'm nothing like him. Don't ever compare us!"

A kiss on my neck. "I won't hurt you…"

A lick. "I'll make you feel good, Kotetsu…I know how…I want to… Just let me…"

His big rough hands slid under my shirt. "Let me…"

He was slowly leading me to the bedroom, gently pushing me backwards. Oddly, I didn't feel intimidated. Maybe cuz he never stopped talking to me, whispering, coaxing me… caressing me…

"Let me…"

We had reached the bed, but he didn't push me down. Maybe he cuz he heard the gasp I couldn't swallow.

_Now_ I felt scared.

I just still couldn't forget another bed, other hands, throwing me on the sheets, tearing my clothes…

I was trying to push Kiba away. I was panicking. I know I was. And he knew it too…

He looked at me again.

"I know", he just said. "I know that no matter how many times I tell you it won't be like that this time, you won't forget. Him. What he did. The similarities… I know I can't erase it. But I wanna try. Even for just a while. I swear I will stop the second you say so… Just… let me… let me try to help you… heal you… Okay?"

I shook my head, shaking all over.

"Kotetsu, I… I won't touch you there…"

I opened my eyes again, stealing a glance at him.

"I was thinking of… do you want… me?", he asked, his cheeks pink.

How… how was I supposed to refuse without hurting him?.!

I looked down again. "I can't… Kiba, I can't…", I choked down a sob.

"Shh, it's ok, it's ok… lay down… I'll take care of you…"

"No, no, please…!"

"There are other ways to make you reach orgasm, Kotetsu…"

I gulped, blushing. "Y-you don't have to…"

He smiled gently. "I want to."

I was laid down slowly, almost reverently. My T-shirt was taken off just as deliberately slowly, Kiba caressing me all the time. Holding my stare with a reassuring one on his part, he slowly unzipped my jeans, caressing my awakened member. I was partly surprised I could even get hard after what Izumo did to me. But then again,… Kiba was just the one who could achieve this.

Smiling again, he bent down, placing kisses all over my chest, heading lower…

"No… no, stop!"

He did immediately and looked up, startled. I looked away, which was absurd, considering my next words. "I… I need to see you face…"

A sidelong glance confirmed he put two and two together and knew why – the flash of pure fury in those animalistic eyes, just for a second, showed that. He knew that when it had happened to me, I had been t-taken from behind… and that's why now I needed…

He hesitated just for a moment, then his hand slid down and wrapped around me, making me gasp. He smiled sweetly. "Like that?"

I nodded, my fingers digging in his biceps. His hand moved. Up. And. Down.

"Yes… yes, yessss!"

I didn't realize I had said it out loud until he chuckled teasingly. I opened my eyes, but looking away, blushing harder. His other hand lifted my chin and made me face his smile.

"Don't hold back", he said huskily, squeezing me and pulling a bit harder, making a moan escape my throat.

"aaAah…!"

"Yeah… like that… go on, Kotetsu… let go, baby…"

That…husky, deep voice… just that voice was enough to undo me…

"Ki-…Kibaaah!"

"Mm…"

Up and down… squeezed in Kiba's rough hand…

"Mgh… ugh!"

"Let go."

Just like that… and I was moaning in completion, head thrown back, lips tightly shut, my jaw clenched, my eyes closed and stars dancing behind their lids, my hands squeezing the sheets, almost tearing them…

Fuck. Me.

Was a simple handjob supposed to feel that good?.!

I was still panting hard and could vaguely hear him panting as well.

"Wh…", I swallowed dryly and tried again. "What… about you?"

A small snort made me realize he couldn't even chuckle right now. I opened my eyes with some difficulty, frowning a bit. Just the opposite, Kiba was grinning.

"Has anyone… ever told you… how damn fucking sexy you are… when you come?"

Oh… He… had come just from watching me?...

Just…Oh…

Was that … another type of healing, I wonder…?

**A.N.** Reviews are greatly appreciated AND will (hopefully) bring you a surprize in the next chapter sooner!';)


	20. Chapter 20 The other side

**A.N.** Ok, so I miraculously have some free time (holidays! ^^) aaand this one took only about 30 mins to write, once I had the idea I was just too enthusiastic about it - thus the quick update. Hope you'll be... surprised. In the good way!

Chapter 20 - The other side

"…"

"…"

"…Five."

"Excuse me?"

"AAAaagh, he talks! Five meetings so far! Five! So, you know about my two dogs, you know that the smaller one, which is male, likes to hump the other, also male, preferably while we have guests, but what do I know about you? Nothing! Nada! Нищо!*"

Eeer… yeah. My shrink, _the police force shrink_, was crazy.

Her name was Benihime_ ("Bens! __**Not**__ Benny and __**not**__ Hime sama and __**not**__… urgh! I hate my parents…")._ She had huge green eyes and Kakashi's hairstyle – the "I-just-got-from-bed-properly-shagged-thank-you-very-much" . She sat on the sofa with her legs crossed in the Lotus pose and wore hand-made earrings and bright clothes. She tried to make me talk. I didn't. She, on the other hand, _did_.

She had two (gay) dogs, had a place on her own, a boyfriend and a still kept room at her parents' house. She liked rock music and some trance and ethno music.

She was crazy.

Don't get me wrong, I liked her. Thought she was funny. Just wouldn't spill my 'problems' to some chick I just met.

"You'll have to."

"What?"

"Talk to me."

"What, you read minds now?"

"Nooo, but that reminds me! You know, my great-great-grandmother on my mother's side used to be Seer, so I might just have the Gift!"

I stared at her blankly. "No."

"Urgh, you're spoiling all the fun! Anyway…", and just like that she became all serious in a flash (that crept me out!). "You'll have to make me sign your papers if you want to be back, doing your job. Namiashi let you off for quite some time, but there's a limit. You've worked 'from your house', helping Inoichi and Reiji for three weeks. You have to be back in the station in a week. And you know how our system works. Two men teams, Kotetsu. Can you face Izumo again?"

Of course I could… not. I kept quiet, looking at her blankly.

She sighed. "Any straight answer will do, Kotetsu. Just show me you comprehend the situation you are in."

I averted my eyes. It took me some time to gather up the strength to give her my answer.

"I can face him. I am… strong enough to talk to him; I can do that… _now_. But I cannot trust him like I need to trust a partner. Not anymore."

The silence continued for a bit too long, so I lifted my eyes to look at her. She was smiling, watching me thoughtfully.

"Wait for me to call you. I have something in mind."

I nodded, stood up and walked to the door.

"Kotetsu?", she called. I turned to see her smiling even more naturally this time; almost proudly. "Well done."

* * *

><p>On the next day I was called in Cap. Namiashi's office. Bens, of course, was already there, beaming at me and looking very proud of herself. The captain's left eyebrow was twitching and he was frowning.<p>

"Come, come, sit!", she all but grabbed and deposited me on the chair, then handed me a package. "Here, a present!"

Confused, I looked up at my boss, but he just nodded faintly. I opened the brown paper bag.

Black sleeveless turtleneck. White protective vest.

A white and red ANBU mask.

"What the…?"

"You'll be filling in for someone in the ANBU team, isn't that great?", she squealed.

My eyes shifted on the captain, who had his eyes still closed in anger and irritation (towards Bens).

"Who?", I just asked.

"Huh?", Bens blinked.

"Who will I be filling in for?"

"…Shiranui Genma."

I almost threw the ANBU outfit on the captain's desk, furious, and turned to leave.

"Hagane!", my boss called, making me halt just before I grabbed the door handle. "He doesn't know. I swear. He was… kinda… forced to take some much needed vacation."

I turned around, smirking wickedly and asked "Forced by whom? And how was he… persuaded… captain?"

His eyes widened and his face turned red.

"Benihime, leave."

"Whaaa-? But I was just…!"

"NOW!"

She "hmph"-ed, but did what she was told, leaving us men alone.

"…So you know?", he asked quietly. "About me and Genma, I mean."

I snorted, nodding.

"Well I… I never told him about… what happened to you."

I snorted again. "So you want me to believe that just when I need a way to stay at Station 7, but not with Izumo, a substitute place in ANBU suddenly becomes free, it originally being possessed by the-only-one,-who-knew-about-what-happened-to-me's fuck buddy?.!.?.!", I hissed (not missing his slight wincing at my choice of words).

"Look, I just told him to take a break, he hasn't taken a vacation since he entered ANBU for Kami's sake!", he hissed back. "I swear, Hagane", he said solemnly "if he ever heard or suspected something it wasn't me, who told him anything."

We were still staring intently at each other when one Inuzuka Tsume entered the office, uninvited, not having even knocked, and clapped (hit) my back.

"I just heard from Benney! Welcome in the other team, boy!"

"He is NOT one of you!", Cap. Namiashi suddenly roared, glaring at her. "Hagane is still one of my boys, Inuzuka! His place here is reserved till the day he comes back. You just get to have him _**temporally**_… while Shiranui is taking a break", he said the last words to her, but looked at me; meaningfully.

I nodded slowly.

Tsume tsk-ed and dragged me back from the captain's office, through OUR! room and all the guys' stares, through the corridor, to the ANBU room. Much like Reiji had done all that time ago, she hit the double doors and just stepped in, dragging me with herself.

Somehow, stepping through that threshold felt like stepping on the Other side.

**A.N.** Well, that was fun to write ^^ Just so you know, Benihime (except being Urahara Kisuke's (from Bleach) Zanpakuto's name, meaning 'red/crimson princess' as far as I know) was inspired (as a character in _this_ story :D) by a real person I used to know for some time and miss talking to her…

* Нищо means 'nothing' in Bulgarian (sounds kinda like 'nishto') ;). Nada means the same in Spanish, but you probably know that one…


	21. Chapter 21 There, in the rain

**A.N.** Right now I can only see two people reviewing, so that chapter is for **Serani** and **Kinkylittlewolf**. Review more and you might just recieve the same attitude as the loyal ones.

Chapter 21 – There, in the rain

(or _Getting to know them again_)

Usually, when I was still in the regular police force and the subject of ANBU was brought up, all the guys used to frown and start using a lot of curses.

I'll say it only once – ANBU-s are … cool.

They're crazy, true, but in the good way. They know how to laugh. Unlike the cops ANBU-s never talk behind the policemen's backs, do not use obscenities. And just like normal people, they all have their small quirks.

Sure, I already knew bout most Tsume's spare time activities – riding bikes, training huge dogs, nagging her son (she only threw a small tantrum when she found about our strange relationship) and shagging Ibiki.

Kakashi's hobby, besides cornering Iruka in inappropriate places for a quick and secret snog/shag, was obviously reading porn books. In public. Like, besides that insane mask, he was usually hidden behind a porn book too. I admit I was quite taken aback seeing all the guys passing him as if nothing unusual was happening – they were that used to him already. He also hardly sat behind his desk – the closest he did was sitting _on_ it. He usually sat/slept (open porn book over his eyes) on the sofa under the window, on the windowsill, on a tree branch in front of said window, just… never where he was supposed to sit.

Maito Gai. Don't even get me started with this guy! Imagine something between Bruce Lee (the tough and well toned body, strange hair-cut + trade mark Gai bushy brows) and the most **UN**-Bruce Lee-ish gay – with the sappy-drama-loving, rainbows, sparkles, manly tears of joy, spandex wearing, poetry reciting etc. Amazingly, he wasn't gay. Or, at least he had obviously gotten laid at least once by a woman – he had a son, who was the exact same copy of his father. Gai was a single parent and by something he once mentioned I got the impression that that had been his main reason to enlist in ANBU – raising a child alone cost much, especially when you have to pay a nanny too while the kid was still a baby.

Well, Maito Lee was now grown-up (Gai always burst in 'manly tears of joy' when talking about it and waving a photo of baby-Lee) and going to the Police Academy along with Iruka's and Itachi's brothers.

Purple-haired Mitarashi Anko was obsessed with two things - dango and snakes. She had, like, snakes earrings, snake rings, snake tattoo, snake tops and T-shirts, snake pet at home (and a picture of said snake on her desk). Said python was pale golden, about 1,8 meters long, probably heavier than Anko herself, _**male**_ and called… Oro-**chan**. … No comment.

Sarutobi Asuma. Damn, he's hot. And straight. Rumor had it, he even fucked his (our) very own boss, Yuhi Kurenai. He's tall and where Kakashi is more of the flexible kind of strong, Asuma is all muscles. He smokes too much though…

Asuma is also Shikaku's first cousin and they are very close. I've even heard that Asuma helped in Shikaku's boy, Shikamaru, training, aiming to get the lazy lad in ANBU as well. (Pfft! Have you guys seen that boy? Does he even do anything else, but counting clouds?)

When ANBU-s are not doing their work on the field, they are supposed to do the paperwork caused by the first, or train. And while they tended to skip the paperwork, training they liked.

ANBU's training facility was huge and filled with all the things they'd need, from fitness apparatuses to wooden (and real) katanas for the kata exercises. It had a whole wall of mirrors too, so they could watch themselves and learn better or correct their movements.

It was a really well done place. Just not… Ares' place.

So I kept going there as well, all but exhausting myself to death, and coming back in the evening, crashing next to Kiba. I could tell he wasn't happy seeing me that tired every day, but proud and stubborn as we both were, we kept quiet.

My first field task came three days after I had started in ANBU. We were sent near the border of the country where a small army of Suna's soldiers had set on a camp and were sniffing around, trying to get some information which would give Suna a reason to start a war – yes, the situation was that tense, if hypocritically peaceful on the surface (I had been very surprised when Konoha accepted me in their police force back then).

Seventeen Suna soldiers. Four of us. Even we weren't supposed to know which four people were hiding behind the masks.

But I could guess.

The wolf mask, whose owner I'd seen pressing a cloth to Iruka's bleeding wound all that time ago… The feminine form with a dog mask… The face wearing a falcon mask, which body was usually all but put on display in the green spandex, as much as it was in the black sleeveless shirt, showing the muscular arms…

And me.

I fought on autopilot that day. Who was I supposed to be with? Where did I belong? To the country, where I'd been born, but that tossed me aside, or to those who accepted me, but were they really my home?

We came back that day, drenched in blood. Deep, crimson blood of Suna soldiers, born in the desert, just like me… With golden, sun-touched skin like mine, turning cold under my hands; eyes, dark like mine, emptily staring at me…

The blood splattered mask of a cougar stared at me as I was undressing in the changing room of ANBU, made of separate cabins. We were all silent. No jokes about being better that the enemy. As if we were all mourning…

We all threw the outfits in the baskets to be cleaned by those taking care of that. Supposedly, the blood would be washed away from the clothes, just like it was from my body as I stood under the shower and watched the red rivers swirl around the drain. Would the clothes feel any cleaner when I knew how bloody they'd been, even after they'd gotten washed? Because even after all the soap I'd applied on my body, even after staying under the shower till the water began getting cool, I didn't feel any cleaner…

I didn't cry there, under the shower. I didn't cry in the rain when I came out of the station, just like in that song I loved*… I didn't cry when I sneaked in Ares' place, using the key each of us had for such occasions. I didn't cry while I was hitting the punch bag like a madman… I didn't cry at all.

Ares found me collapsed on the floor in the morning.

He asked nothing.

* * *

><p>I felt like shit the next day. Beaten and sore, and probably badly hiding it since I'd had no time to get used to that, like all the other ANBUs.<p>

To make things even 'better', it was raining. But why was I even surprised? It had rained all week, so why stop now?

I took the bus that morning, making my sore body feel even worse. The woman sitting next to me was reading a newspaper. The main title was "Car accident kills a teenager". I frowned, reading a few lines under the title.

"17-years old Sakaki Seito was killed in a car accident last night after a drunk driver didn't stop on the red light of the traffic lights. The criminal Tomo Akito, has prior traffic offences, which have also caused death…"

The woman sitting next to me flipped the page. I frowned. Tomo Akito… where had I heard that name…?

When I stepped into the station, I dragged my feet automatically towards the cops' room, when I remembered I no longer worked there. I turned to walk down to the other door, when the cops' room double doors burst opened and Izumo dashed though them. He looked furious; if he saw me he didn't acknowledge me. Reiji came running after him.

"Izumo, don't….!", he halted next to me, looking almost desperate, running a hand through his hair nervously. "Don't do anything stupid…", he finished whispering.

"What happened?", I asked, trying to make my voice sound calm and even.

"…He told them all those years ago… he told them Akito'd do that again and therefore must stay imprisoned. But no one listened to the dead boy's grieving boyfriend…", Reiji sighed, looking and sounding old and tired.

And then I remembered where I'd heard the name. More like read it…

"_Suzuki Shiki. Cause of death – car accident. October 13th, 2008, 18:14. Suzuki Shiki is driving his sport bike, a blue and black Yamaha R1, license plate K 765 98 MN, on the Fourth Kage's Blvd. He is being hit by a car, a black Mercedes license plate K 865 78 PL. The criminal, later identified as **Tomo Akito**, tries to escape and is being stopped by a police patrol 15 miles away from the place of the accident…"_

My eyes widened as I looked towards the still trembling doors Izumo had ran through. I knew how emotionally unstable he was…

Before I knew what I was doing I was running through these very same doors after the one I had ran _from_, trying to reach him now, to stop him.

The black Mustang was just backing up, its tires screeching as Izumo sped up, his face twisted with anger and sorrow. Again, not thinking what I was doing I threw myself before the car. He hit the brakes and the car made a small twist to the left before it stopped, screeching again. He came out, seething, furious…

"What the fucking hell are you doing!.?.! WHAT!", he grabbed the front of my T-shirt and yelled at my face.

"Just get back in the station…", I tried to say calmly.

"Don't fucking tell me what to do!", he was now hitting me, his fists landing on my chest and his angry tears slipping down his face. "Don't… like you know… like you care…", the hits were becoming gradually lighter and a sob or two slipped past his lips.

He was breaking, right there in my arms, and I was panicking. I wasn't prepared for this. What do I do, what do I do?.! And where is Bens when you need her?.!.!

I hugged him awkwardly, my body tense and screaming at me to get the hell away from the one who had hurt it. But my messed up soul, my broken and badly-put-back-together heart told me to not let go. So we stood there, awkwardly, in the middle of the parking lot, in the rain… both broken and confused, holding each other again, but not like before. The darkness of our past was slowly creeping around and between us and the future was blurry with the mist from the rain. What we had left was only that awkward moment, there and then, in the rain.

A.N. Well, I hope you're all happy now? :) Tell me! :)

* Kotetsu means the song "Crying in the rain" by Whitesnake.


	22. Chapter 22 Murderers and Acceptance

**A.N.** Missed me? ;) Here ya go, nice and long. Do not forget to review! ;)

**A.N. 2** : In case something happens with this story (or my whole profile), please check my profile info here(now, while you can!) to see how you can remain in touch with me.

Chapter 22 – Murderers and Acceptance

I couldn't hate him anymore.

I realized that sitting in Kiba's bathtub, filled with boiling hot water I had prepared for myself after being all but drenched in the cold rain.

Izumo and I had stayed like that, awkwardly hugged for a few moments; then just as awkwardly we had parted, looking in opposite directions, muttering meaningless little words none of us actually heard, then finally parting ways – he got into the station and I went back at… home… Kiba's… here. I prepared myself the bathtub, sank in and it hit me, while the steam was floating all around me: I just couldn't hate him anymore.

Maybe because I saw his pain, I held him while he was breaking and I knew… he wasn't the monster I'd made him to be. He was a man. He was not flawless. We all make mistakes…

Am I making up excuses for him?

But I knew that if I really hated him all that much he would have been dead by now. I know myself. And while I'm not proud with that, I know I am completely capable of doing it, without even a blink. Heh… I guess that's what got me into ANBU…

But I hadn't killed him. Not then, not after that when I saw him after my "holiday".

And then I remembered – he had cried that night too, in the mindless state he might have been… He'd been suffering then too…

I stood up quickly and angrily wrapped a towel around me. I was not gonna make excuses for a rapist!

And while I was not able to hate him anymore, I wasn't gonna fall into liking him either.

* * *

><p>"How's the new job?"<p>

"Ok, I guess."

"I heard about the mission involving the Suna soldiers."

"You weren't supposed to. How…?"

"As Station 7's psychiatrist I have authorization to all files, even the top secret ones if needed. I am indeed not allowed to discuss them out of the station's grounds, but we are still here. And, let's just say someone from your team was worried about you."

"…Tsume", I growled.

Bens just smiled.

"Would you like us to discuss the mission?"

"When have I ever?"

She smiled again, but her eyes narrowed. "Ok. Let's discuss something else then. And you cannot even blame me for knowing it – it's the top rumor around here right now. See, apparently, a certain ANBU stopped an overemotional policeman from doing something really stupid… almost getting ran over by said policeman's car… ending up embracing and soothing said policeman… in the rain…"

"That's enough, Benihime."

"Is it?"

I looked at her, trying to understand the tone and the question itself.

Her huge green eyes narrowed again. "You'll have to say it, one of those days. Soon. I'll wait for now."

Feigning ignorance, I nodded, stood up and walked out quietly.

* * *

><p>He looked like shit. He walked around with his head bowed, face half hidden with his hair. His clothes looked even baggier than usual – he had lost weight. And most of all – that aura, radiating from him… that he doesn't give a damn what happens with him anymore… just doesn't care anymore…<p>

That same expression was on his face as he stood next to his car right now, being nagged by Reiji.

"Izumo, talk to me, man! You've been like that for what, over a month already? I know you have these… moods and all, but… Look, I understood it in the beginning when you said you're not in the mood to go out with us, I understood when you gave up all alcohol, beer included…"

…He had stopped drinking…?

His face in that night… dead drunk, leering insanely… and then his tears…

And now he had given up all and any alcohol…

"…but now you don't eat either?.! At all! You know what, I'm calling your Mom! Hell, I'll learn Spanish and call Maria too!"

"Enough drama, Rei…", his voice was hoarse, dull. Lifeless.

"Attention to all units, burglary on 'Namikaze Str.', also reported firing…", Izumo's police radio crackled through his car's open window. He and Reiji exchanged a look and without any words just jumped in the car; any sight of careless and lifeless demeanor was gone from Izumo in a second – he was a cop now, and needed, it wasn't the time to be an emotional wreck.

The Mustang's tires screeched as they drove out of the parking lot, me following them on my bike.

The store, where the burglary and firing had taken place was near, so we got there quickly; just in time to hear another gunshot. Izumo and Reiji jumped out of the car and ran towards the store.

Again, I saw it all on slow motion.

Izumo opened the door, which glass was already broken, leaving a rain of pieces of glass in his feet. A boy, lying on the floor, lifted his head, his eyes widening. He jumped on his feet, waving his hands to motion to Izumo to lay down; they were both screaming the command. Izumo tried to say he's a cop, but just then the shooter turned around and aimed. Izumo's eyes widened, he grabbed the kid and tried to push him away, or at least guard him with his own body.

There was another gunshot, and another – Reiji stood there, aimed at the criminal; he had wounded the shooter, making him drop the gun and fall on the floor.

Izumo and the kid stood frozen. Izumo's shoulder was bleeding. For a second I thought he had managed it, had protected the kid and got away with just a scratch himself…

Then the boy's terrified eyes met Izumo's and the kid slid to the floor; a wound in his chest bleeding badly.

"No,… no! Hey, no… don't… stay with me, kid, listen!... Name, how's your name?"

"Taka…shiro…", the boy groaned weakly.

"Ok, good… listen, Takashiro, I need you to stay calm now and breathe.. that's all, just hang in there, yeah?"

But it was in vain – just as he was saying it, the kid's eyes turned glassy and unseeing.

Izumo clutched his dead body, his own shaking badly.

"DAMN IT!", he swore, tears falling down his cheeks.

Reiji, who looked just as stricken, placed a hand on Izumo's shoulder.

"Let go, Zumo…"

"Another one, Rei… another one… in my hands…. In my fucking hands, damn it!"

"…J.. Just let go… Izumo…"

"I either hurt them or kill them…"

"You didn't kill him, Zu, let go… Come… we… we need to tell… tell the parents…"

Izumo began openly crying.

Something in me broke again as I was watching him like that. I finally stepped in and motioned to Reiji that I got it from here on.

I moved next to him, unclenched his hands…got the kid's ID… got Izumo to stand up and walk… we passed the other police cars, the sirens… I drove again this time. We reached the house. The door opened, the woman smiled. He was calm, eerily calm when he told her. Another boy ran and caught her as she slumped down, choking with sobs.

"And who the hell are you?.!", the boy screamed at me.

I swallowed. "His partner", I choked out. "I'm detective Kamizuki's partner."

* * *

><p>I had offered him to drive him home after that, but he declined, saying he was alright, and drove us back to the station. We split up there and I hadn't seen him since then.<p>

And now, three days later, I was putting on the white mask again.

"Snake, Bear and Cougar, follow me. Hound and Falcon, you've got our backs today", Wolf commanded.

Ah. All of us this time. Something even bigger than Suna then…

"Let's go."

**[A.N. Insert **_Marilyn Manson – Murderers are getting prettier every day_**. Just do it.]**

Sneaking from the back door, blending with the shadows… running like beasts; sometimes even on all fours… we are; beasts. We have no moral once we put on the mask. We have instincts.

The forest. Deep, dark and wet from the rain.

"Take positions", Wolf commanded.

Foreign soldiers. About 1000, I'd say.

1456, the mask, the beast said.

"Attack when I say so", the wolf mask warned.

1,3 meters to the closest target. Brake his neck, so he wouldn't make a sound to alert the others, Cougar suggested in my head.

"Now", Wolf said quietly, to all of us.

"_Faaaaaaall on your… knees!"_

Jump on the target, brake! Next! Rip, slice, kill!

And then do it again…

Blood.

Blood, pooling at my feet. Blood drops on the green leaves. Blood splatters on the white mask. The beast is smiling. The beast is laughing, celebrating. But is the blood on his paws or on my hands?

"_I don't have to see… to know that murderers… are getting prettier every day…"_

Hidan's voice suddenly rang in my head _"Oi, dollface, is ANBU smartening ya up or what? Ya're hotter than ever!"_

I heard the maniacal laugher but needed a few seconds to realize it was coming from me; in the same time I felt the wetness on my face.

I have never in my life been so grateful for the ruckus around me, making sure the guys won't hear me, and for the mask, hiding my face while I was going insane.

No, not insane.

Murderer.

When we came back, drenched in blood again, hiding in the separate cells while undressing and removing the masks, I knew what had to do; I knew what I needed. Once I was relatively clean, no matter how beaten up I felt, I literally ran towards the parking lot.

I can't even explain the speed in which I drove to Ares' place.

* * *

><p><em><strong>! Izumo's POV<strong>_ (for just this small part) _**!**_

I saw them when they sneaked back in, through the back door, drenched in blood.

I saw him, clean and maskless, running to his bike, desperation clear on his face.

And like the last stalker, the last pitiful and stupid scum, I followed him.

The place had no signs, but no one minded me when I entered, some minutes after him.

And I had no problem seeing him amongst all the guys training and fighting in the room.

That was the first time I've seen him like that.

His hair was pulled back in the ponytail, as to not obscure his vision, while he attacked with all he had, or so it seemed. Only, it was progressive – every hit was getting stronger, the pull back – wider, his anger was cracking like electricity all around him. For a second all sound, but the music background, was muted and I heard the desperate lyrics.

[**A.N.** Insert _Three days grace – I hate everything about you_]

"_I! Hate! Everything about you!_

_Why?.! Do I love you?.!"_

Kotetsu cried out, going at his opponent with all his pent-up rage. His movements, when not full blown fist attacks or kicks, made him look like he was flying, like an enraged avenger with the intent not to hurt, but kill. If it was anyone but the guy he was fighting with, who seemed the toughest amongst them all, I was sure they'd be dead by now…

The guy, whose eyes suddenly widened and he yelled "Turn this fucking song off!"

Kotetsu dropped on the ground, like a marionette with its threats cut off. I needed some time to realize his whole body was shaking with stifled sobs, made even harder as he refused to let any sound break free.

Something inside me broke again, even worse than when I saw his empty eyes and plastic smile when he came back from that… 'holiday'. I was panicking, panicking more than when I saw the blood stains on the sheets and when I found his desk empty at work. I made a step in his direction and stopped – I was the last person he probably wanted to see now. I felt helpless, watching him suffer from afar, knowing I had caused that. I felt like shit, disgusted at myself.

The guy he had fought against, obviously his friend, looked confused. He made a step closer (because he could, he was allowed to) and tentatively put a hand on Kotetsu's shoulder. He said nothing, just squeezed reassuringly.

All the men in the hall stood frozen.

"What're ya lookin' at?.!", the guy barked. "If ya ain't here to train, get the fuck outta here!"

And like the last pitiful scum, I did…

* * *

><p>(Kotetsu's POV again)<p>

I burst in Bens' office, making her and Genma - … Genma?... oh, well.. – jump slightly.

"Detective Hagane, as you can see, I have another appointment…", she began.

"I can't hate him! And Kami knows I should!"

They blinked at me. Genma smiled slightly, darkly and with some strange understanding.

"I'll come by later…", he waved and left.

"Kotetsu, what the…?"

"I'm totally messed up, Bens! He hurt me! Humiliated me! Made me… question… was I even a man anymore?", I was pacing, treading hands through my wild hair, panting a bit… hysterical. "I should hate him! I have all the right to! It is RIGHT to hate him! So why can't I? WHY?.! And when he's in pain, when I see him shaken, that time with the guy who killed his guy and then when they killed that boy and he was so broken and then I see him walking around like a shadow of himself and I hurt and I… WHY?.! I don't want to! Why do I feel?.! Why does he still make me feel?.! Why is it not hate that I feel towards him?.!.!"

"…And what is it, Kotetsu?"

"Please don't make me say it…"

"Why?"

"Cuz… cuz I don't know what it is and if I knew and it were I should be put in a psychiatry for feeling it!"

"…Now, Kotetsu. You have to say it now."

"Kami help me, Bens, I think I still… Oh, Kami!...How could I?.!.! How SICK is that?.!", I yelled, my tears finally falling, my hand over my mouth to muffle my sobs, future screams.

"Now, Kotetsu."

"I think I still love him…"


	23. Chapter 23 The beach

**A.N.** Like I often do, I wrote about half of this chapter, then stopped, didn't write a few days and then finished it in one breath :D Hope it doesn't have many mistakes. If it does - I apologize, but bear with it, please. And review! :)

Chapter 23 – The beach

I know what you're thinking – "He said it out loud, so he must have accepted it".

No.

I didn't go for my next appointments with Bens. I was ignoring both her and Izumo. Iruka was insistently trying to lull me into talking, no – sharing with him, but I wasn't ready yet. Maybe I'd never be ready to talk, even with him, cool as he was, friend as he was. I just couldn't talk right now; not about anything really serious.

I went on another bloody mission. Maybe I was getting used to being a killing machine, because this time there were no maniacal laugher or tears or any hysterics. I shut down. Turned myself off.

My pent up emotions I let out at Ares' place. It worked. And I didn't slip anymore; like that humiliating experience after that hellish week…

Never mind that. I was fine.

When I wasn't beating myself up at Ares' I was with the speed freaks. Also worked. Speed pretty much always does the trick.

Kiba was acting weird. He acted outright bitchy sometimes. Or all lovey-dovey. Or too snuggly. I couldn't understand him anymore. I asked him what was going on and he glared, saying "Whatever, Kotetsu" and left the room. Bitchy, I'm telling you!

For a man, who was officially "resting from ya all" Genma was at the station suspiciously often. Suspiciously for someone who didn't know better. Well, I did (know better) and Genma's longing stares towards the cops' room (and Cap. Namiashi's office) were kinda pretty obvious.

Kakashi came slightly limping on Monday, making me inwardly grin that Iruka had obviously taken the initiative that weekend. Kakashi, commanding and bossy Kakashi, wasn't grumpy though – if anything, I caught him dreamily staring through the window once or twice.

I smirked – that's my boy, Ruka!

If anyone was grumpy, it was Asuma. Rumor had it they had had a quarrel, Yuhi and him. Tsk, seemed like Shikaku wasn't the only one henpecked at Station 7.

Anko was worried about Oro chan (facepalm again) and Gai was suspiciously supportive. Pfft, I can soooo see that he wanted to show Anko his own snake, if you know what I mean ^^ . Anyway, I secretly cheered for him – he's a good guy, damn it, he deserves love. And if he wants it from crazy, snake loving, purple haired women, let him have it this way!

Supportive as I was towards Gai, for me love was still a sensitive and confusing subject, so I tried not to think about anything related to it.

"Kotetsu! Just the man we need!"

I turned around, facing a grinning (slightly creepy) Kisame, walking towards me on the parking lot; an always grumpy Itachi following. He smacked my back in a friendly manner and leaned forward, talking conspiratorially.

"Kotetsu. Technically you are still a cop, right?"

"Right", I said, not really seeing where this was going.

"And you play the guitar pretty well from what I hear?"

"Eeer… thanks?"

Kisame chuckled. "Beach party, Saturday. All the cops, from all the stations. We have a drummer, some Gaara kid from the Academy, Hidan, the bitch, is pretty good with the keys and DJ-ing, Iruka and some other guys said they'd sing a song or two. We miss the lead guitar is what I'm saying."

"And?", I rose an eyebrow. Kisame made a face.

"Don't make me beg you now. Who showed you Ares' place?", he grinned.

"Low, Kisa."

"Great! I'll see you there at 8!", he grinned again, walking away with Itachi.

I growled, getting on my bike, muttering things about sneaky Mist people…

* * *

><p>Turns out, there are actually policewomen in Konoha. In other stations apparently. I understood that by the looks I got, riding my bike slowly amongst the crowd on the parking lot near the beach where the party was supposed to be. Finally finding a free space, I parked my bike and adjusted the guitar case – its strap was stretched across my chest, the guitar itself resting on my back.<p>

I looked around, trying to spot someone I knew. Thaaat's about when I noticed the looks I was getting.

Er… ok… maybe I shouldn't have put on a tight black tank and the already torn jeans. On the other hand, judging by their looks, those women would have torn my jeans anyways. For a stupid moment I felt like some rockstar standing there… or someone, who's about to be attacked and rap-…

I frowned and looked away. Where the hell was Kisame?

* * *

><p>After I had spent about 15 minutes looking for him Kisame did finally appear, only to grab me and all but deposit me on the stage. He had obviously done the same to a few other guys, judging by the way they looked kinda… lost. Kisame waved a hand around.<p>

"Fast introductions – redhead psycho there is Gaara, the drummer boy…"

"I so wanna kill you right now…", the boy growled with a low and dangerous voice and a dreamy look, suggesting he was plotting how exactly to finish Kisame. (Creepy…)

"…You know Hidan…"

"There ain't anyone who can see me and forget me, bitch…"

"Yeah, yeah… Fire-head here is Jugo, he's in the same class at the Academy as Iruka's and Itachi's brothers; Gaara too…"

"…kill you nice and slow and bloody… yeah…", Gaara decided, nodding to himself. Kisame spared him a blank look, then continued, undisturbed.

"Anyway, Jugo will play the other guitar in case you need him…"

"Gaa-channnn!"

Just as one can never forget Hidan once they'd seen him, one can never forget Umino-Uzumaki Naruto. I mean… all that big-blue-eyed, LOUD, blond enthusiasm…

All that loud, blond enthusiasm jumped on the stage, going straight to the redheaded psycho with the adoring expression of a puppy on his face.

"Wow, Gaa-chan, you look so cool behind the drums…" – dreamy sigh – "I wanna learn to play some instrument too…"

"I'll let you play my flute later…", a mini-Itachi declared smugly, all but floating majestically on the stage.

Naruto turned bright red. "SHUT UP, TEME! AS IF I WOULD!"

Gaara observed the exchange with a cool look, surprisingly not explaining how he'd like to kill Naruto. I guess he liked him…

"Gaa-chan, you should totally play that song…!"

"What song?", I asked.

Huge blue eyes looked at me and Naruto started explaining. "You know, that one, by Rammstein? Where they climb that mountain and Till falls but they carry him to the top?"

"Ohne dich?", I asked, smirking. Kid loved the music I loved.

"YES!", huge blue eyes got even bigger, accompanied by a big flashy smile.

"It's written in German. Does Iruka speak…?"

"I do, it's ok", someone slapped me on the back and Iruka smiled and winked at me. "Ok, Naruto, we'll play that song but only if you and Sasuke behave, got it?"

"No problem, Iruka-nii!", Naruto grinned, grabbing Sasuke's arm and walking away with him. "You heard that, teme? You'll behave or I'm going home tonight… ohne dich!"*

I pursed my lips to stop myself from laughing out loud and sneaked a look at Iruka. He sighed, somehow defeated.

"Are they…?", I tried.

He nodded solemnly. "I think they are. And pretty serious from what I gathered. Can you imagine that – me and Uchiha Itachi, relatives?"

I shuddered and Iruka smiled a small smile, then grabbed the mic. "Come on, let's make some noise…"

The night went on well – policemen mostly listen to good music, so even when someone suggested some song or another, they were all alright. I enjoyed myself. While in the beginning I was feeling awkward and inexperienced with a public, I found I actually enjoyed the crowd screaming encouragingly. Iruka made quite the show – he not only had the voice, but also knew how to behave on stage. I swear some women were ready to eat him alive (they screamed so themselves), throwing bra-s and panties at him. Iruka didn't even blush, only grinned, even waving a pair of especially pornographic red lacy underwear, wiggling his eyebrows and making naughty and funny comments.

"Eeeh, sorry, ladies, but you see… I am taken", he winked.

Some wails and boo-s followed that, but Iruka only smiled again and simply continued with the next song.

Kisame jumped on the stage once or twice, suggesting auctions for Gaara's first pair of drum sticks ($ 25, paid by Naruto), Iruka's white tank ($ 567, paid by a horny policewoman (I suspect the red-lacy-panties' owner), my guitar pick (after I refused to part with my tank; I also did not see who bought the pick for the absurd price of $ 376).

The sun was about to rise (but it was still dark) when Iruka said we'd only play one more song.

"Any suggestions?", he asked me, smiling.

"I have, actually…", I looked at Jugo. The guy was pretty good, I had found out. He'd do.

"Hey, you know that song…"

…

"Last song for the night, ladies and gentlemen. I suggest you shake those bodies", he winked, jumping down – the song had no vocals.

[**A.N.** insert _**Rungran – Faint**_ here. Just do it]

I started, though the song was made for two guitars – Jugo followed, but also took the lead from time to time. That's why I like that song – it allows the players to actually play with each other, to tease; it shows equality.

Some couples down there actually took Iruka's advice and danced, quite passionately. I smiled, realizing how perfect it was – the song, the night air, the darkness around us, but with the sun about to rise… Perfect.

And just then I saw him. I wondered how I haven't seen him all night, but I saw him then.

Kamizuki Izumo stood there, watching me, only me, with so much want; not only desire, but want. For something real...

... Or maybe I just wanted it be that way...

The song ended; some couples applauded, some whined that the night was over, some just sighed with sadness. Most of them just sat on the sand, waiting for the sun to rise.

I thanked the guys (even Gaara) and got off the stage, grabbing my guitar case and walking towards my bike.

"Won't you wait for the sun?"

I stopped. And closed my eyes for a second before I turned to face him.

Izumo looked like he hadn't slept in days, or was ready to cry, or had cried. He looked tired. Exhausted. Older.

"What do you want, Izumo? Just say it…"

"A chance."

I turned around, ready to keep walking; I wasn't ready for that.

"No, wait, please!"

The desperation…

He grabbed my arm, forcing me to turn back around.

"I know I screwed up. I made a huge mistake, but please… let me… I am so… SO… sorry, Kotetsu. I know how little that means to you, but… damn it…!", he choked.

I chanced a look – he looked frustrated, angry tears running down his face, while he looked, a bit lost, towards the rising sun.

"I cannot even ask you to forgive me… Just… hate me less… ok? Can you?"

"… I can't.", I admitted, my voice hoarse.

He paled even more, his hand falling from arm; he looked… shattered. "Oh. Ok… I…"

"I cannot hate you."

He looked up, questioning. Hopeful.

"I haven't gone to my séances with Bens lately."

"…er… ok? Why?"

"I said something that I wasn't ready to confess yet."

"… Wha-..?"

"I told her I might still be… have … feelings… for you."

I am sure he stopped breathing for a few seconds there. Shy hopefulness turned into desperate hope into his big dark eyes.

"C-can I…"

"Not yet. I'm sorry, not yet…. I can't…", I stammered, all but running towards my bike.

I was halfway to Kiba's when I realized he had only asked for a chance. He was asking if he could have a chance to redeem himself.

But in that moment I couldn't give him even that.

**A.N.** *Ohne dich means "without you" ;D


	24. Chapter 24 Goodbyes and Hellos

**A.N**. Please do notice that this chapter has been **beta**ed by my friend **Kinkylittlewolf** :)

Chapter 24 – Goodbyes and Hellos

It started raining on my way back. It certainly isn't cool to drive a bike in the rain, so I was pretty grumpy when I got home. I parked in Kiba's garage and ran the few steps to the apartment building. I fumbled with the keys as I took the stairs three at a time until I finally reached the apartment door and got in. The place was quiet and dark, seemingly empty. I made a move to turn on the lights when Kiba's soft voice sounded from the darkness.

"Did you have fun tonight?"

"Kiba? Why are you sitting in the dark?" I asked, making another attempt to reach for the switch.

"Leave it like that. And answer my question."

"Wha-...? Yes, I had fun tonight. What's the problem?"

He was suddenly next to me, grabbing me in a way that still made me jump back. It became worse when he pushed me against the wall and forcefully kissed me.

I tried to move away – I wasn't in the mood and frankly, he was scaring me. His hands in my hair only tightened, preventing me to move. I began to panic. I knew that situation: hit him and kill him, or… or…

He must have finally felt how rigid my body was, frozen in shock and, as much as I hate to admit it, fear. He moved back quickly, stuttering apologies.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean… I didn't want to… I wasn't gonna… Fuck!" he yelled to himself, making me flinch again. When I finally looked up to him my eyes widened; tears streaked down his cheeks. He looked sad and younger than ever.

"You still love him," he stated, making my eyes grow wider and my breath hitch. "I saw you two tonight. I heard what you said. After all that he did… after all we've been through since then… Why… why not me?"

Something in me broke. I wanted to tell him that I wanted it to be him, that if I were to choose who to love… but I cowardly choked on my own words. I tried to reach for him, but he stepped back, mumbling a final "I'm sorry", before he went into his room, and closed the door behind himself with a somehow deafening click.

* * *

><p>The following morning I woke up and went out earlier than usual. Cowardly as it was, I was avoiding him. I just didn't know what to say or do after last night.<p>

As stupid and predictable as it was, I found myself training with Ares before work. I was probably going to come back here after work too. Like always, he didn't ask. He never asked. He was turning into one of my best friends.

* * *

><p>Kakashi was in a foul mood, resulting in us ANBU filling up paperwork. As our direct commander, Kakashi could practically make us do whatever he wanted and I'd always thought it was better than Yuhi Kurenai commanding us (Women. PMS. You know what I mean.), but after this morning I wasn't so sure anymore. I made a mental note to go see Iruka later, not to ask questions, without asking him anything of course - I wasn't gonna be the nosy friend, just wanted to see if he was okay. Kakashi's bad mood might have nothing to do with Iruka of course, but… just in case, I'd check on him later.<p>

Reiji informed me Iruka had a fever and was staying at home for the week. He had apparently almost collapsed yesterday at work, Cap. Namiashi had been furious. Lots of yelling. Though now that Reiji said that I think I heard a rumble from the cops' room yesterday. Kakashi's bad mood suddenly acquired another meaning – he hadn't been pissed off, he'd been concerned. And probably irritated that he couldn't stay home to take care of his sick lover, but instead _had_ to come to work and be with us instead.

* * *

><p>When I got back to Kiba's place that night, something felt wrong from the moment I stepped into the apartment. For instance, the scene was an eerie repeat of last night's – darkness, silence, and the feeling of emptiness.<p>

"Kiba?", I called. No answer. "Hey, Ki…"

A small piece of paper got my attention and I bent to take it, unfolding it. There, in Kiba's scratchy handwriting, was written only _**"I'm sorry…"**_

"What the…?", I frowned, noticing another small scrap of paper lying on the floor a few steps ahead.

"_**I have to leave for a while…"**__,_ the note said.

"What!", I panicked, looking for the next note in the path, leading to the bedroom.

"_**You can use the apartment. I'm leaving Konoha and won't be back for a few months…"**_

"_Why?.!"_

"_**I slipped…."**_

I stopped suddenly, confusion filling my mind at the words.

"…_What…?"_

"_**I love you."**_

"_Oh… fuck… I…"_

"_**I fell in love with you, Kotetsu…"**_

"… _How…? When!.? Why?.!"_

"_**I'm sorry…",**_the last note said. I slowly lifted my eyes to the bed, scared of what I might see. There, in the middle of it, stood Kiba's cell phone and the keys for his bike.

* * *

><p>I fully expected to be beaten into a bloody pulp the moment I set foot into the station. Tsume looked distracted from her work and avoided my eyes. She looked worried. Right now, she wasn't a warrior, but a mother whose son had hit the road without so much as a note saying where he was going, just scattered pieces of paper on the floor. I wondered what he had told her - I hoped he had at least informed her that he had decided to travel, if he hadn't told her exactly where. And I hoped she didn't blame me… like I blamed myself…<p>

Finally, towards the end of the day she had obviously had enough of my nervous looks; she sighed dramatically, stood up, and came to my desk.

"Let's go for a ride," she ordered.

I must admit I still imagined being tricked into riding to some deserted place when she planned to end me. Instead we rode to where the speed freaks usually met.

She stopped and pulled out a box of cigarettes. She offered me one, which I gratefully took. We smoked in silence for a few minutes.

"I knew it was a mistake from the moment you two got… together", she said with a dark expression, then smirked. "But once he's decided something, there's no way he can be stopped."

His mother's son, I thought, smirking too.

"He didn't tell me where he was going if that's what you're wondering. He said he needed time. He said not to blame you and that it wasn't your fault."

"It feels like it is though."

She looked at me questioningly. I sighed.

"I wish I could love your son, Tsume. The way he deserves."

She nodded curtly, then smiled darkly. "Sadly, we do not choose who we fall in love with."

We smoked in silence, watching the sunset. I did not want to go back to an empty apartment, that wasn't even mine.

* * *

><p>The next few days were just as shitty. Kakashi wanted to go back to Iruka, but wasn't allowed to so he made our lives hellish. Bens sent a very demanding note to see me soon. It rained pretty much every day, so the speed freaks canceled two meetings. I was forced to go to work on the bus again. Even though I could hardly drive it in that wretched weather my bike started making strange noises again… and my mechanic (and more?) was gone. I was going back to his place, which was empty and dark and cold without him, and cursed myself for my stupid choices (or lack of such, in Tsume's opinion) of love partners.<p>

Today was just another damn rainy Tuesday. I had spotted Bens nervously tapping her foot in front of the station so I hurriedly turned around, deciding to use the back door to avoid confronting her.

Apparently, so had Genma. And the captain.

"I can't go on like this…" Genma murmured.

Sensing I was not supposed to see that but not wanting to interrupt them by walking around them to use the back door, I hid around the corner and leaned against the wall, giving them as much privacy as possible and waiting for them to be done with their… discussion or whatever.

"What, avoiding the shrink? Cops do it all the time, Shiranui, don't be a drama queen…" the captain snorted.

"Drama queen…" Genma sounded pained. I risked a peek - his face was scrunched in pain, he had half turned his back on the captain. In a matter of seconds he arranged his expression in a cold smile and said, evenly "Yeah… look at me, making a scene… Pathetic." He made a move to walk away.

The captain's brow furrowed in confusion. "Genma?" he called, making the other man freeze.

The ANBU took a shaky breath, the said quietly, without turning around.

"It's not about the damn shrink, Raidou. … I can't go on like this… with us."

The captain frowned. He swallowed dryly and tried to school his facial expression into a mask of indifference before he asked, "Are you breaking up with me?"

Damn. Why do I always see such awkward discussions?

Genma snorted, smiling bitterly. "I can't even do that, Rai. We have never been together."

"What...? Is that what this's all about?"

"YES!" Genma yelled, finally turning around to face the captain, his eyes wild and pained. "I've dealt with it, okay? I've taken whatever you were willing to offer! Fuck buddies… not even sex friends, 'cause we know almost nothing about one another! What if I wanted to, huh? What if I told you I wanted you? YOU, not just your body? What then, Raidou? Gonna toss me away?"

Namiashi looked stricken, eyes wide and uncomprehending. Genma smiled one of those pained and bitter half-smiles then shook his head, looking away.

"There's a place in Rock Land's black ops. I have a friend there who recommended me…"

"…What?" the captain asked hoarsely.

"I can't go on like this and you can't offer more. There's no point in prolonging the inevitable. This is a goodbye, Raidou."

I have to admit, he managed a pretty stony face when he said that and a decisive gait when he turned around, walking away. It only took one word to break that image. The one and only word that had ever managed to break a any façade.

"Stay."

Genma's walk wavered and a visible shudder coursed through his body when he asked, "Why?"

Ugh. The captain will always have my sympathy for having to answer this. Every man hates such questions.

"I think I can try… I mean, we can… should…" he stammered. "Damn it! … Just… just stay and let's see what happens…"

"It already happened to me, Rai. I'm already in love… with you. I don't know how much longer I can stand by, hoping it'd happen to you too…"

"For fuck's sake, Genma, do you think I'd beg you to stay if you were just a fuck buddy?"

Genma turned around slowly, his eyes calculating, but under the mask he was almost shaking with emotions - with the hope that maybe…

"Say it."

"… Damn you, have some pity…"

"Say it!" Genma snarled.

Raidou looked away, his face red. He took a deep shaky breath, blinking rapidly from nervousness. "Fuck you, you son of a bitch! Fuck… I think I might be… I… love you… Shiranui Genma," he choked out. "But not right now!" he growled.

I have never seen Genma smiling so widely, with such pure joy. In fact I have never seen him demonstrate such strong feelings. He slowly walked back and reached up to gently lift Raidou's chin.

"Hey…"

"I will never forgive you for this!" a red-faced captain declared. Genma's grin widened.

"We'll see about that," he leaned forward to Raidou's ear and whispered, "I plan to make love to you tonight… lover."

The captain choked and stuttered some insults, but Genma happily grinned, hugging him like he was a teddy bear. Then he finally pulled back and looked in Raidou's eyes, effectively making him shut up, before he leaned in for a gentle kiss.

"Hello," he whispered against Raidou's lips.

The captain looked positively hypnotized by Genma's eyes when he whispered a weak "Hi" back before Genma's lips covered his once more.

I smiled to myself, pushed away from the wall, and walked away – I assumed those two were gonna stay there for a leisure snog. I was genuinely happy for them… but in the same time I felt so damn lonely that I felt like I was suffocating.

**A.N.** Review to make me and Kinky happy! ^^


	25. Chapter 25 In the air tonight

**A.N**. Please listen to the song named like that by Phil Collins when reading this chapter. It is important for your author that you do. Arigato.

**A.N. 2.** Sorry for the long wait - I was fist lacking the muse, then lazy, then tired from work, then went on a vacation by the sea (with no internet!), then went to the ANIFEST in my city!, then tired again... Yeah, you got the idea. The plan is to have some more engagements these days, so I'll probably BE very busy AND tired, but I'll try to post the next chapie sooner ;)

**A.N. 3** This chapter was edited my Kinkylittlewolf. Luv u babe. Hope you can still like me too…

Chapter 25 – In the air tonight

**Izumo's POV**

I sighed, rolling onto my back again and staring up at the ceiling. Another sleepless night it is then. No rest for the wicked. I smiled bitterly at the thought.

I stood up, walked to the French windows, rested my head against the cool glass, and closed my eyes for a second. Then, after a few seconds, I opened them again and looked into the night.

I love the kind of calm that only night can bring; the silence, the chilly peacefulness…

"_I can feel it… coming in the air tonight…" _

But there was something else, hanging in the air, tonight of all nights. Tension - some kind of nervous expectation…

I sighed again, opening my closet to grab a hoodie and some sweatpants. I pulled them on quickly and found my sneakers already by the door – the habit was set in already, by many sleepless nights.

I stepped outside, taking a deep breath of the night. Yes, it still calmed me, which was only one of the reasons I had begun running almost every night.

The other reason was that I had pretty much given up all my other hobbies and ways to let off the steam.

I pulled up the hood of the sweatshirt and began running without any real destination in mind. Breathing became easier with each movement of my body, despite the physical effort. After all, it wasn't a physical effort that kept me awake at night…

"_Well, if you told me you were drowning  
>I would not lend a hand<br>I've seen your face before my friend  
>But I don't know if you know who I am<br>Well, I was there and I saw what you did  
>I saw it with my own two eyes<br>So you can wipe off the grin, I know where you've been  
>It's all been a pack of lies…"<em>

A thunder echoed from above. Huh… I hadn't seen any lightning. I just kept on moving, trying not to think of anything… Not of his face, that time, on the beach.

"_I cannot hate you."_

How could he not and the fact that I didn't deserve this much weren't gonna stop the hope and the silly smile I could feel on my face even now…

"_I told her I might still be… have … feelings… for you."_

My heart, not bothered anymore by the nightly training it was forced to endure recently, skipped a beat at the memory of his words. But my stupid smile was wiped away with the memory of what he had said next…

"_Not yet. I'm sorry, not yet…. I can't…"_

No, of course not. How could he? Come back willingly, to the monster that I was? Why? I think it probably would have bothered me more if he had walked willingly back into my arms…

A roar sounded nearby but I paid no attention – it was probably just another thunder. But then I was blinded by a light coming from the street right in front of me. So it couldn't have been lightning…? Shielding my eyes, I tried to look up…

Kotetsu's POV

It was cold. And dark. Too dark. I didn't like darkness. I had too many uncomfortable memories that included darkness: Kiba's tensed form, waiting for me after the beach party… the darkness of the forest where the enemy rested unaware of the predators in the trees… the darkness in Izumo's flat, the darkness I had stared into with empty eyes while he thrust in me…

I shook my head, trying to clear my mind and finally find some peace.

I couldn't. His tortured face was all that came to my mind, making me angry. What? Didn't I have the right to be angry with him?.! Why couldn't he JUST look guilty, the way he was supposed to be, instead of tortured, the way _**I**_ was supposed to look?.! I was the victim! ME! The one who took it from behind, against his will! Why the hell was HE looking hurt?.!.?.!

But I just couldn't shake off the images of his pale haunted face as he walked around in the station… his tall frame, now bent over. The body that had obviously lost weight. The lifeless eyes…His eyes bothered me the most - that last time on the beach they had looked at me with so much hope…

I couldn't stand it anymore; I jumped up from my bed, pulled on some clothes and grabbed the keys for my bike. Insomnia, meet my way of dealing with you.

Since I had found it was a whole new experience compared to driving during the day, driving at night had turned out to be a new way of relieving some of the tension There was no one on the streets at night. No one but me…

I caught myself remembering that first day at the station; his face was still haunted for other reasons back then...

"_Well I remember, I remember don't worry…  
>How could I ever forget, it's the first time, the last time we ever met.<br>But I know the reason why you keep your silence up, no you don't fool me…  
>The hurt doesn't show; but the pain still grows<br>It's no stranger to you or me…"_

I came back to myself just in time to see the figure running right in front of me, just seconds away from being hit by me and my bike. I turned to the left, pulled over, and jumped off quickly.

"Where the hell are you running?.! Streets ain't empty enough for you?.! You have a death wish or something?.!"

The guy looked up… Huge eyes, almost black now, stared at me as we both gasped.

He looked like a fucking lost kid - his hair was still messy under the hood, as if he had also just rolled out off his bed because he couldn't sleep – something the dark circles under his eyes confirmed.

I wanted to laugh bitterly. What was the chance of running into the only one I wasn't prepared to meet, in the middle of the night, on an empty street, in an abandoned part of the town…?.!

The surprise in his eyes quickly turned into wistfulness, then guilt, self-hatred, wistfulness again, pleading… He opened his mouth.

I didn't let him… talk, beg, or cry. I wasn't thinking, just acted on my instincts.

I grabbed his hoodie and pushed him roughly to the nearest wall. He whimpered. I didn't care. I smashed our lips together, cursing at all the fucking memories. Fuck them all, I'm making new ones tonight!

As my knee found place between his legs and my tongue pushed past his lips the skies above us tore open and heavy rain began pouring down. The tension was finally relieved…

**A.N.** Just to warn you - smutt is coming up, but NOT right up next ;) Be patient (and make yourselves profiles at AdultFanFiction . net. Just hinting... strongly :D)


	26. Chapter 26 Near

**A.N.** Here you go - quickly (-er?) posted, but unbetaed. **Kinky** had nothing to do with this chapter this time, so you'll have to bear with my clumsy writing again. As much as I love her and appreciate what a GOOD editor she really IS, beta-ing kills my muse, it seems. So, I guess, if you really like the story you'd bear with it beeing my way - rough and unedited ;)

Chapter 26 - Near

Holding each other in the rain turns into some kind of a normal occurrence for us…

Passionate and angry as that kiss in the alley was, it ended quickly. We spent the next few awkward moments holding each other – me panting in the crook of his neck, and he looking at the rainy sky, his trembling fingers combing my hair.

Which was about to obtain its usual wet look any minute now…

I pulled back, avoiding his eyes, my own fingers reaching nervously for my (still wild) hair.

"I should head back…", I muttered.

"…to Kiba's place?", he asked with a hollow voice.

"Yeah", I just said, turning around for my bike.

"You can come to me-… my … apartment. I-I mean… at least you won't be alone…"

"_Yeah, instead I'll stay with my violator",_ I thought bitterly.

Obviously the same thing passed through his mind as well because he muttered "I'd understand if you don't want to. I just said it… because… you know… it's warmer…", he said, his voice fading more and more.

Just the thought of warmth made me question his offer and think about accepting it.

"I'll think about it", I said with my back half turned to him; then I nodded towards my bike. "Come, I'll give you a ride."

I could practically hear his unwillingness to refuse something I'd offered to him in such an awkward and hesitant moment in our relationship; but in the same time, motorbikes were probably his biggest fear and source of sorrow.

"Thank you", he said politely, his voice clipped and strained. "I… I'll just walk back…"

"It's pouring down, Izumo."

Witty as he once had been, he would have said something about it pouring down while we rode on the bike as well; but now it seemed that hearing his name from my mouth was more meaningful to him than jokes or even his worst nightmare. As I got on the bike he came and sat tentatively behind me. The way he put his arms around me was more than hesitant. The way my body flinched and screamed at me to get the hell away from him was more than indicative of the past. I felt him tensing and preparing to stand up again and say that he'd walk home after all. Clenching my jaw I just said "Hold on tight" and started up.

And hold on to me tightly he did. His hands clutched my jacket, his whole arms shaking. I could feel his body, now flush to my back. He was so slim. So small and vuln-…

No, I'm not going there! I'm not thinking my rapist was tiny and innocent!

It just… didn't make any _sense_… that I would _**ever**_ want to _protect_ _him_… after all that happened…

But in that moment, under the rain and with his smaller form holding onto me for dear life… I wanted to.

* * *

><p>Iruka came to work the next day – his skin still looked a bit ashen, but otherwise he looked fine.<p>

Kakashi was a real sunshine that day. Well, as much of a sunshine as he could be – less paperwork for us, optional instead of obligatory training, and a small mission that was a piece of cake.

Genma didn't even try to pretend that he came to work just to see us, while he was still on vacation – he went directly into the cops' room and then Raidou's office, Iruka told me. He'd come out a few minutes later, tripping a bit (probably from being kicked out), grinning madly and, note that, sending a kiss and a wink towards a red faced Raidou, who was screaming enraged obscenities after Genma.

The guys decided, quite accurately, that Genma had just stopped by for a quick kiss.

Someone was finally on their way to putting Hidan in his right place. The _guy_'s name was Suigetsu and according to the guys he was a copy/paste of Hidan, only younger and probably smarter. Meaning he had the same pale, whitish hair, those impossible purple eyes (another shade, but still), and the worse part – Hidan's foul mouth. Suigetsu was Uchiha Sasuke's and Umino-Uzumaki Naruto's classmate at the Academy – damn that place produced a lot (and weirder with every next year) cops.

Like Hidan, Suigetsu had also proven to like both boys and girls, and according to Naruto – some animals too. But he was a very good swordsman, they said. A great swimmer too. Now that I think about it, I hadn't heard of Hidan having any good points…?

Anyway, the kid had waltzed in with Sasuke (who'd come to get Itachi's signature for something) dragging in a huge sword along. Of course Hidan'd made the obvious joke about the size. The kid had smirked and answered just as wittily, hinting about Hidan's "bowie knife". Stupid and impulsive as he was, Hidan had jumped at Suigetsu… and had quickly found himself pinned to the ground with said huge sword's very sharp tip pointed at him.

The cops now had a new idol – they loved Suigetsu.

If the dreamy look and never-ending chant about said swordsman was any indication – so did Hidan.

Shikaku had other worries. From an eavesdropped conversation on the phone the guys had gathered that he'd been that close from becoming a grandpa. Obviously, his kid Shikamaru had mentioned that he "might have knocked up" his Suna girlfriend. Shikaku's face had turned all shades of white and green, before Shikamaru had called to say that the pregnancy test said it'd been a false alarm.

Shikaku made a feast in Station 7 that day to thank Kami sama.

Back in ANBU's room Gai finally gathered some courage and asked Anko out. Rumor had it that Oro chan had been present at the dinner too.

Our boss Kurenai's foul mood and their fights with Asuma found their answer – well let's just say that _that_ pregnancy test was positive. Baby Sarutobi was expected somewhere around May.

It seemed love was in the air at Station 7.

Was I the only one that messed up?!

* * *

><p>Truth to be told, I have almost no recollection of that night. I know I woke up restless again, cold again… I obviously got on my bike… I don't really remember driving.<p>

I just remember standing on his doorstep, knocking half-consciously. The door opened and a surprised voice asked "Kotetsu?". He wasn't sleepy – no messed up hair, no pajamas. He wore jeans and a sweatshirt at two in the morning. Maybe he'd been on his way for a late night run again.

"What is it?", he asked, just as quietly as before, as if afraid that if he talked any louder he'd break some magic or offend me.

"'s cold", I said, shivering. "I'm cold."

"…come…", he cleared his throat and tried again. "Do you want to come in?"

I nodded and stepped inside.

"I… could make you some tea or..?", he hesitated.

"Kiba's place's cold. My body's cold. I'm freezing, Izumo."

He gulped. Even without looking at him like I avoided to I could see he was trying to come up with some solution, without scaring, offending or hurting me.

"Well… there's a central heating in the whole apartment…", he stopped and probably took my shiver for a flinch, because he then said "I'm not asking you into my bed, Kotetsu. I ain't that stupid or…", but he dropped that thought too, sighed, and said "There's a spare bedroom. I… I'll still be in the same apartment, but the door can be locked so…"

"I need to know you're close."

I could swear he stopped breathing for a second. Then he whispered "Doesn't that terrify you? Don't you find it repulsive?"

I shook my head, looking at the floor. "I know it doesn't make any sense. But they all have somebody. And I can't see myself with anybody but you right now, disturbing as it is. It scares me. But it's a fact. I can't let you real close yet. But I'd like to know you're near. Can… can you work with that? Can we try, like that?"

I looked up in time to see him half-moving, as if to reach out and hug me with the gratitude, that was written all over his face, but then he got a grip of himself, stepped back and nodded curtly.

"I can work with anything you offer right now", he said solemnly. Then he finally smiled a small, still hesitant smile. "Come to the kitchen; I'll prepare some tea for you… then I'll go and prepare that spare bedroom as well."

**A.N.** Aaaaand - REVIEW! :) Onegai? ^^


	27. Chapter 27 Roommates

**A.N.** Sorry for the long wait. I was busy. Considering the fact that I just lost the job I was in love with, this story may or may not be updated more regularly, depending on my depression status. Thank you.

Chapter 27 – Roommates

I remember waking up that first morning in his spare bedroom and just staring at the ceiling. It was early – the sun wasn't even up yet, I didn't even need to be up yet. I just laid there, thinking about everything and nothing in particular, stray thoughts chasing one another in my head.

I heard as the door of his bedroom opened and he stepped out. I could tell he was trying to be quiet, stepping very carefully on the carpet, closing the door gently. But for an ANBU all those sounds resembled a baby bear in a store and I couldn't help but smile slightly at his efforts. I finally stood up and walked out of the spare bedroom, following him in the semidarkness of the apartment.

I saw him standing next to the kitchen table, bent down a bit, writing on a sheet of paper. He was dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie again, obviously about to go running again. I cleared my throat to let him know I was there.

He actually jumped a little. "Fuck…! Uh… Hi."

I grinned at the greeting. "Yeah. Good morning."

"I was… I was just leaving you a note about breakfast and where you can find the milk… and stuff. I-I'll be leaving now", he said, avoiding my eyes and already looking for his sneakers.

"I thought you only ran at night…", I frowned.

"Yeah, yeah…", he agreed distractedly, his search of his shoes turning a bit frantic.

"Izumo", I called; he finally looked up. "What is going on here, really?"

He looked to the side again. "I-I thought you wanted… you know, to eat in peace…"

"_I thought you didn't want to see me first thing in the morning",_ I translated to myself.

I sighed. "This is your home. Stay. Eat. I'll make myself a sandwich and grab some coffee at the station", I muttered, wondering if it was really a good idea, to try living together.

"No!", he half-yelled, spreading his arms as if to prevent me to do something; then he blushed and looked down again. "I mean… sit down. Okay? I'll… prepare something light."

"Okay", I nodded, sitting at the table.

A few times I wanted to offer help, but he said he was fine. I guess he was just really nervous – it was written all over his face. In the end he handed me the plate with eggs and bacon, freshly made orange juice and coffee.

And then he sat opposite from me and just sipped quietly from his coffee.

I stared. "Where's your plate?", I asked directly.

"I don't eat breakfast", he shrugged, staring at his coffee.

"You do, from now on!", I moved my half eaten breakfast closer to him. "If I eat – you eat too!"

He blinked, confused. "But I…"

"You're skin and bones! Stop mopping, will ya, and start getting some food into your system!"

He blinked again, nodded, still dumbfounded, and started eating.

* * *

><p>Right before we walked out for work – first me, and then him – Izumo gave me the spare key, so I decided to go back earlier that day. There was almost nothing to do at work that day – Anko squealed around Kurenai and begged her to touch her (still non-existing) belly while Tsume remembered her two pregnancies. I could see Anko's sidelong glances towards an oblivious Gai – it was like she was wondering if he would be a good father and if she wanted to have a kid with him one day.<p>

Woah. Those two were fast.

Kakashi secretly patted Asuma's back and I think they were planning a night of drinking (I wondered how Iruka would react and if he would be invited). I wasn't in the mood though, so I slipped out before they invited me.

I bought some pizza on my way back; the apartment was empty when I stepped in – Izumo was still at work. I sat in front of the TV and watched some stupid movie, eating my half of the pizza.

I hadn't realized I'd been waiting for him until he stepped in, all but dragging his feet from fatigue. He tried to straighten up when he saw me, even tried to smile. It was all pretty fake, but I appreciated the effort. I nodded towards the pizza box on the coffee table before the TV.

"That's for you."

"Thanks, but I think I'll be…", he was already walking towards his bedroom.

"Stop", I growled; then when he did, I continued. "Come here and sit down." He did. "Eat", I said, almost threateningly.

He did sit down and started chewing slowly. The silence was interrupted only by those little sounds, coming from his closed lips.

"Soo… how was your day?", I finally asked.

"Long!", he sighed and couldn't help but smile.

"Wanna talk about it?"

He shrugged. "It was nothing special. A few arrests – we'd been tailing those guys for a few months already…", he went on with a short description of the case.

I realized I was smiling again.

* * *

><p>The next few days went on pretty much the same way – he made breakfast, half of which I handed him back to eat himself, we went to work, we came back, I madebought dinner and we talked for a few minutes before we went to sleep. It was unexpectedly easy.

"You don't have to do that, you know?", he said, watching me cooking potatoes with cheese and spices. "Cooking, I mean."

"I like it. Besides, I also live here, might as well do something."

He shook his head, looking down again. "You really don't have to."

"It's ok", I just said.

About a week and a half had to pass before we split some other tasks. He did the laundry and I cleaned. We took turns in throwing the garbage. Things like that.

Like I said: unexpectedly easy.

Of course, Bens wasn't gonna let me off the hook that easy.

"YOU LIVE TOGETHER!?"

I jumped, very unANBU-ishly.

But of course it was a matter of time before she learned to ambush me at the back door…

"Eer… hello, Benihime…", a killing look in response; and a small growl. "… sama?", I tried.

"My office! NOW!", she bellowed.

* * *

><p>I sighed. "I guess rumor spreads quickly around here."<p>

"Yes, and it seems your therapist can only rely on rumors since you kindly HIDE and RUN from her!"

"Aw, honey, don't be mad", I grinned, trying to win her back by playing the idiot.

It didn't work – she growled again. "Do not "honey" me! You live with your rapist!"

I flinched and closed my eyes for a second. She saw that and immediately softened.

"Sorry, I didn't mean… but WHY?!"

"Warmth", I said absently.

"What?!"

I shook my head. "What's the big deal? I chose this. He hasn't forced me."

She noticed my brisk voice ad turned serious as well. "I need to report this." I opened my mouth, but she didn't let me say anything. "No, Kotetsu, you KNOW I HAVE TO! Not to mention how worried I am, myself. He hardly comes for his sessions, I barely know him, and after that incident, although he absolutely had to, he hasn't shown up at all!" She sighed. "Kotetsu… try to put yourself in my position. What would you do?"

I looked away. We stayed in silence for a minute, then she sighed again and said.

"Okay. This is what we'll do and I'll make no more compromises! I'll report you two living together, BUT I'll say a good word IF! … You both come for shared séances."

"Wha-..?! No, Bens, we just…!"

"No compromises!"

It was my turn to growl.

* * *

><p>I was really surprised when I realized that three weeks had passed since we started living together.<p>

I stepped in, carefully balancing grocery bags in my arms.

"Izumo?", I called. No response. He was usually back after me anyway.

I left the bags on the counter and went to take a quick shower before I had to start making dinner.

I had just put on some clothes after coming out from the bath when I heard someone knocking on the door. I frowned – had he forgotten his key?

"Please tell me you remembered to buy…", I opened the door… and gaped stupidly.

His mother smiled warmly. "Hello, Mr. Hagane."

"Kotetsu, please", I corrected, still a bit confused.

"Um… may I come in?", she asked sweetly.

I shook my head to clear my mind and stepped aside to let her enter. "It's your son's apartment, so it's not me you should ask, madam. And he's not home yet…"

"I'm here to see you."

I stared stupidly again. "Oh."

She smiled again, motioning towards the sofa. We sat and she sighed, as if bracing herself for a difficult discussion. "You know, all those months ago, when you stopped being partners and you had to go away for a while… he came to me."

I inhaled sharply. Oh, Kami, what had he told her!?

She saw me paling and quickly continued. "He said he'd made a big mistake. He never told me what kind of mistake. He was a wreck. I'd never seen him crying, ever since Shiki…"

We both looked away. Tears had begun falling down her cheeks.

"Anyway, he… was never the same after that. You've noticed he's lost weight. He barely eats, works too much, and almost collapses after those stupid training sessions… I… know he's hurt you. Badly; and I'm sorry for that. But he is too, Kotetsu. I think you can see that and agree with that. You've both suffered and I… I just wanted to thank you for… giving him a chance… trying to forgive him…"

Damn. She had no idea how messed up we actually were. And while that was for the best it didn't make looking her in the eyes any less difficult.

"Since you came to live with him he looks so much better, Kotetsu! Healthier. His skin isn't that pale anymore. He eats regularly…"

"…cuz I stuff his face when he refuses to…", I muttered and she chuckled through her tears.

"Thank you for this", she said, her voice trembling with emotions.

The door opened again and his voice saved me from the awkward situation.

"Kotetsu? Hey, the door was unlocked… I bought that green thingie for the stew… Oh. Hi, Mom."

He looked a bit pale again and his eyes flicked between us in suspicion. I shook my head a bit, trying to calm him down. He nodded, almost imperceptibly, but still didn't look convinced when he asked,

"So, Mom… will you stay for dinner?"

"Why, thank you~! It'll be a pleasure!"

He actually looked worried.

* * *

><p>I never knew green can be intimidating.<p>

Both Izumo and I sank deeper into the couch as Benihime's huge green eyes stared thoughtfully at us.

"And you sleep separately?"

"Yes", we both said. She regarded Izumo with a glare, then turned to me.

"How do you feel about that? Do you feel safe?"

"Yes, Benihime. The door to my bedroom can be locked."

"Do you lock it?"

"… No."

They both looked surprised.

"You trus-…", she started, her eyes wide again; I lifted a hand to stop her.

"Don't ask me. Don't give this a name – I myself don't know what it is. We're fine like that. If we weren't I wouldn't have gone to him. I wouldn't stay with him. Got it?"

Her eyes narrowed. "That doesn't let you off the hook! You WILL come for your next session…!"

"Does that mean this one is over? Yeah? Come on then, let's go, Tetsu…", Izumo said, standing up and walking away.

"Urgh! I don't like him!", she declared as I stood up to follow him.

I shook my head, chuckling. I was by the door when she called me again.

"Kotetsu." I turned; she was smiling, having already dropped the "crazy" act. "Do you realize you called his spare bedroom "my bedroom" and he called you "Tetsu"?"

I blinked stupidly, walking away in a daze.

…Woah. Just… woah.


	28. Chapter 28 Seduction

Chapter 28 – Seduction

The sound of clinking pots and porcelain woke me up. I blinked sleepily, my eyes trying to fix the little spot on the ceiling I usually used as a measure of how awake I was – it was small enough to need full attention in order to be seen. I finally found it, waited till I saw it clearly and then stood up.

Awake as I finally was, I realized I had slept well that night. Very well. And that was worth noticing.

I stood up, pulled on some clothes and stepped out of my room. Only to freeze, stunned by the view.

Izumo cooked my favorite breakfast of eggs and bacon. Dressed in tight black boxers. _Only_.

Don't get me wrong, no matter what I told Bens Izumo and I weren't _that_ comfortable with each other, if at all! And yet there he was in all his (mostly) naked glory.

Half of my mind screamed_ "What the fuck!? Has he no respect?! Doesn't he know I usually get up around this time?! What, does he mock me?!"_

…The other half purred _"Dude. Take a good look. Nice, tight ass. Strong legs. Wide shoulders and narrow waist. Fuck the breakfast, eat __**him**__!"_

He finally turned around, saw me and the surprise in his eyes melted into a smile. "Oh, hey. Did I wake you up?"

My tactic of stuffing him every time I could was giving results – he'd gained some weight. Now he wasn't skinny, he was… sexy.

Fuck me… I wanted him. I wanted him so much in that moment; past forgotten at the sight of his six pack. I wanted him on this table, on his back, legs spread wide… me… buried in that tight ass… that six pack flexing as he writhed… his nails scratching at the wood as he moaned…

"…-tsu? Kotetsu?"

"What?", I shook my head, to clear my (very dirty) mind.

"Did I wake you up, I asked?"

"No, no… I'm ok."

He didn't look very convinced, but nodded anyway and stepped around me heading to the bathroom.

"You eat; I'll take a shower…"

"We always eat together", I growled.

By the way that he smiled lopsidedly I could see he translated that line the right way: _"I want to make sure you eat. Or stuff your face if you don't."_

"Leave some for me and I'll eat it after the shower, ok?"

I nodded stupidly and sat down, watching him enter the bathroom and pondering over my reaction. What I'd done with Kiba – the few kisses, the hand job and a few clumsy touches – hadn't prepared me for this. This, now, was the first time I'd gotten hard without any literal stimulation, just by looking. At my rapist. How sick was that? Bens would kick my ass for even thinking about it and she'd be right to do so!

The bathroom's door opened again and I instinctively turned around.

A wet dream, all puns intended, walked in the living-room, with only a towel around his hips, hanging dangerously low. Another one was draped on his shoulders and he was drying his dripping hair, now darker because it was wet. Small drops of water were sliding slowly down that toned chest, over that six pack, begging to be licked away, before they melted into the towel around his thighs.

And then he looked at me. "Hm? Why haven't you eaten? I told you not to wait for me…"

I jumped up, muttering a quick "I gotta go" before I literally ran through the door.

* * *

><p>Déjà vu. You know, the one where I burst into Bens' office and blurt something stupid, while Genma blinks owlishly. In this case I blurted "I got hard for him!", making her eyes widen and a blush form on her cheeks. Genma snorted, shaking his head.<p>

"Poor, poor Benihime. I think she has wet dreams of guys fucking, straight as she might be, after hearing so many of us basically declare that same thing."

Bens was gaping like a fish out of water. Genma snorted again, stood up and waved a hand.

"I know, I know - I'll be going now." He patted my shoulder and winked. "And you can always come talk to _me_, kid. At least I know what's the feeling."

And with that he was gone, leaving me and Bens awkwardly staring at each other.

"Talk..?", she finally suggested weakly.

"I don't know what happened! I mean I woke up and he was there, cooking, dressed in those tight black boxers only, do you know how arousing that is?!"

"Yeah…", she answered dreamily. Then she saw my face, coughed, blushing harder and explained "My boyfriend wears those too. Go on."

"So, he's there half naked and cooking and I get those images of me fucking him on the table and-and I got hard and I was so fucking shocked, Bens! It's him we're talking about, the guy who fucking raped and humiliated me! I cannot get hard for him!?"

"Well, you obviously can…", she muttered.

"And then he walks out of the bathroom and he's wet and so fucking sexy and all I wanted was to take him against that wall or even on the floor…!" I sighed shakily. "Bens, this is sick. I know it is! How can I possibly get hard for someone who'd done _that_ to me?! It's sick on many levels that I…"

"You never really hated him._ Not even immediately after the crime_."

I stopped pacing and stared at her unbelievingly.

"What?!"

"You heard me", she fixed me with a calm gaze. "Sure, you were upset, you were mad at him later. But you didn't stop him then. And I've seen your file, I know you can. Something happened that night, something you didn't tell me about, that prevents you from actually, _really_ hating him."

My heart skipped a beat; a memory of his voice, as clear as if he was right here with me, whispered "_Shiki_…" I gulped dryly.

Her gaze softened a bit. "Go to work now. And come back with him next time. We need to finally discuss that night."

I flinched and tried to cover it up by standing and quickly heading for the door. I knew I hadn't fooled her when she called after me.

"You can't run from that forever, Kotetsu. Come back here with him, and sooner."

* * *

><p>How much time had passed? A month and a half? Two? Anyway… not enough for him to welcome me home naked, legs spread wide, all but inviting me in.<p>

Because that's exactly what he did. That's exactly what I saw when I stepped into his apartment that evening – Izumo, bare as the day he was born, spread on the couch, legs propped on the coffee table, wide open… he was half hard, but not really aroused. His eyes looked… guilty? Begging for forgiveness, maybe. He wasn't smiling seductively. In fact he looked a bit scared.

His pose, his face said it all - that wasn't for him, or even for us to enjoy. It was for me. He was offering himself like a sacrificial lamb… or something.

All the small things from the past few days made sense now. He hadn't been teasing me. He'd been trying to get me to take what he thought I wanted, as a… repayment? Payback for what he did to me? He didn't see this anymore as an act that was supposed to be done between two people who wanted each other. He saw it as something he had to give back, had to endure, for principle's or my pride's sake.

I averted my eyes; my jaw was clenched as I growled "Get dressed."

"…You are angry. I see. … That's… that's ok if you're rough. I will handle it, any way you need it…"

That's when I lost it.

I grabbed him by his hair and slammed him to the wall. My hand clenched tighter around his neck; I knew my face must have looked mad, wild... feral. Like an animal. Ultimately showing what I could do to him, _promising_ to do it…

He looked back calmly. Not struggling in the slightest. Blank eyes had already surrendered to me, as if saying "Go ahead…"

He knew I could kill him. And he wouldn't fight back. It was written on that overemotional face of his - whatever I did to him, he deemed it deserved for his sins.

That was what broke me. I pulled back my shaking arm, my breath was hitched, my chest was heaving and my heart felt like it was squeezed in a painful grip. That's probably the moment I realized how royally fucked up we were…

Turning my back to him, I could only mutter "We're seeing Benihime tomorrow", before I ran out.

I spent the night at Kiba's cold, dark apartment.

* * *

><p>He looked even smaller, curled on the couch in Bens' office, staring at his clenched hands, resting on his knees. His face was pale, his eyes were red rimmed.<p>

I couldn't help but remember my first impression on him, on my first day at the station, when Reiji had showed me the cops' room and Kamizuki Izumo had been the first man who'd caught my eyes. His slight smile, the ease in which he talked with his colleague… He'd looked peaceful, healthy.

And now he was a wreck.

Even though I knew that I'd been the victim, originally, looking at him now made me feel as though I was the guilty one for his condition.

Even Bens couldn't look at him coldly anymore.

"Look, guys… hard and painful as it is, I think we should finally get to talk about that night", she said, looking apologetic. She took a look at Izumo again, then her eyes fell back on me. "Kotetsu, why don't you start from the beginning?"

"I've told you this…"

"I think it needs to be said again. All of it, in order to be cleared once and for all."

I sighed. Looking away, I began the familiar story.

"It'd been the day Izumo's last… partner would have had a birthday. He was upset. I was tired and confused. Kisame offered we all go for drink. We went to a bar. Izumo got drunk. He crawled in my lap, started touching me… I tried to tell him to stop and that the guys were watching. He didn't react. I offered to drive him home and then I helped him into his apartment. When… when we stepped inside… he somehow got his strength back… P-pushed me down on the bed … and… and…"

"It's ok, Kotetsu. Go on. Take your time, but you need to say it", Bens said softly.

"He ripped my jeans… flipped me over… and…", I looked at her, begging silently to not make me say it again. She just nodded slowly, encouragingly.

I exhaled shakily. "He p-pushed… inside… me. And it hurt. And… he f-finished… and passed out… and then I just got dressed and got the hell outta there", I summed up quickly.

Izumo's hitched breath made me look at him again. He looked even more stricken.

"How come you're cannot hate me? And why didn't you hit me, hurt me…?"

"…I wanted to. But I couldn't…", I said, then finally confessed. "You were crying too…"

"… What?"

"When you were…", I swallowed the lump in my dry throat, glad that we were now facing in opposite directions – I bet my face was greenish. I coughed and tried again. "When you were about to finish, you called me Shiki." I felt him tensing beside me. "Then, when you fell on the bed beside me, I saw you were crying too…"

"That's why you can't hate him. You saw his pain and that's why you can't really see him as the violator", Bens nodded to herself, finally getting the missing part to understand my messed up mind.

Beside me Izumo took in a shaky breath. "Why didn't you fight me then?", he insisted.

I looked back at him, staring at him as if he were crazy. But, then again, he'd never seen me train with Ares*. He probably had no idea what I was capable of. Looking away again, I just sighed.

"Let's just say there's a reason, other than the fact that I needed some space away from you back then, that ANBU accepted me", I said.

He frowned. Sighing again I clarified "I was afraid I was gonna kill you if I tried to defend myself."

He gulped and nodded, looking down at his knees again.

"Since that night, have you been in that room, Kotetsu? Izumo's bedroom?", Bens asked tentatively.

I shook my head. She cleared her throat.

"Only an hour ago I'd never have said that, but… hm. Let's start with this: Kotetsu, do you think that if that night hadn't happen, you two would have stayed together as a couple?"

Frowning a bit, I nodded.

"And then, you would have… consummated your relationship?", she asked.

I nodded again. "But not like that….!"

"No, no, no, I know that! Just… say you'd been a couple… would you have forgiven him for what he'd done?"

I frowned again, looking away. If I had to be sincere… yeah, I probably would have. I'd call it… a slip, or something. We're men, everyone gets drunk from time to time. And if we'd been together, I'd have known he loved me…

Oh. But he did. I could see it. I saw it in how devastated he was now, how he wanted to make it up to me, how he looked at me… wishing, begging for things to not have happened.

Fuck.

He loved me.

He really did.

And… if I'd have called it a "slip" if we'd been a couple, did that mean that he'd just… slipped a bit too soon, since we'd been about to become one, a real couple?

Woah!

Bens saw the understanding drawing on my face and nodded to herself again.

"I see you saw my point. You can leave if you want to. Izumo, I'd like you to stay. You need to hear what Kotetsu figured out on his own, from me, in order to believe. Just… trust me on this."

Izumo nodded slowly, clearly confused, and threw me a glance as if asking what was going on. I just nodded and opened the door.

"Wait!", he called, sounding a bit panicked; when I turned back I was surprised to see that some color had returned to his face – he was blushing. "Will … Where do you plan to spend the night?"

I looked away again; I couldn't stand his desperate, begging look right now. "I'll see you later… at home."

I swear I heard him sighing with relief.

**A.N.** * - if you'd remember, Izumo _did_ see Kotetsu training with Ares (the one time when he collapsed, crying? The background song was_ I hate everything about you_?) but Kotetsu does not know that, since he didn't see him.


	29. Chapter 29 One step closer

Chapter 29 – One step closer*

I caught myself pacing in his apartment, waiting for him to come back. Knowing Bens I was a bit scared of how she'd explain all the weird thoughts that had passed through my mind to him.

He didn't take long – he stepped in the living room only about half an hour later. He looked a bit dazed.

"What? What did she tell you?", I blurted out nervously.

He lifted his head slowly, still looking dizzy. "That… you'd have given us a chance if I hadn't…", he gulped and looked back down. "I'd have had a chance…", he said again, sounding lost.

"What else?", I muttered.

"That… if we'd been… together… you'd have forgiven me. Because… you would have known… that I love you…"

"… but I know it now. I… realized it, just back there. That's why she let me go before you."

He gulped again and asked, very quietly, with a very controlled voice "Does knowing it… help you… forgive me?"

"… I… Maybe. Yes. Yes, I think it does."

He looked up, with hope so wild and so shockingly, breathtakingly there in his eyes, that my heart skipped a beat. But then he quickly looked down again as he continued recollecting what Bens had told him.

"She also said you should…", he cleared his throat, "since we've come to terms with our feelings… you should try sleeping in my bed."

I stepped back. He looked up, shaking his head, obviously panicked.

"N-not like that! She said you needed to overcome your fear of that place and w-what happened there. That if we were to ever be together again, we both needed to get over this and make… make… new memories there. Better ones. It doesn't mean we have to have sex! Kotetsu, please! … She… she just said we should try sleeping together in that same bed till the fear and nightmares that include it are gone."

"You're missing something. You said we've come to terms with our feelings. Sure, I realized you loved me. But I haven't said I loved you back."

And I wanted to kick myself the moment I said that. I saw him crumble, seconds away from collapsing – emotionally, if not physically. He avoided my eyes again.

"Oh. I … Of course. I'm …", I heard him muttering about idiots, as he clenched his fists. "Well then I… excuse me…", he turned to leave (hide) in his bedroom.

"I think I do. Really… lo-… like ..you."

He froze. He didn't turn back, but his rigid form said he was listening.

"Not being able to hate you doesn't automatically mean that I love you, I know. But... messed up as it is I… have never had those feelings for anyone else. Being ready to try and forgive you, for all the pain and humiliation you've caused me… I think that counts for love. Don't you?"

His body was shaking by now. Not really knowing what I was doing I walked closer to him and embraced him from behind, arms going around his shoulders to meet on his chest. His hands covered mine. His knees gave way and we fell, kneeling, hugging, there, on the floor.

He finally broke down and cried, clutching my arms.

* * *

><p>That first night, together, in that bed… was a little nightmare in itself.<p>

For a second before we'd laid down we'd both stared at the bed as if it were an animal, that could bite us. We made an absurd picture – two grown up men, standing in a bedroom, both only wearing pajama bottoms, staring at a bed.

Izumo rubbed his upper arm with his other hand, looking quite like a nervous school girl. "I guess I'll… yeah."

He tentatively removed the blanket and laid down, covering himself up again and laying like a dead man. I followed him, on the other side of the bed, leaving considerable space between us, laying just as stiffly. We looked ridiculous – like teenage boys, who'd just had their first time having sex… or about to do it - we were that nervous and awkward.

"I, eer… well… goodnight then", he said.

"Yeah… 'night…", I muttered.

I woke up, tucked in the blanket. I turned to see him – he'd taken another blanket for himself and was curled in it in the very corner of the bed, like a small wounded animal…

* * *

><p>Since I'd woken up earlier I made breakfast this morning. He dragged himself to the kitchen a few minutes later – he still wore the pajama bottoms, but also socks and a thick pullover.<p>

"Good morning", he rasped.

"'Mornin'. … Are you ok?"

"Huh?"

"Are you cold or something?"

He snorted. "I'm always cold."

"Didn't seem like that when you were walking around _mostly_, and then _**stark**_ naked."

He blushed heavily, bowing his head. Again I felt bad for making him feel uneasy.

"Were you cold last night?"

"Mm?"

"Were you cold? I saw you'd picked up another blanket and were clutching pretty tightly to it."

"I… yeah, yeah… was cold and… stuff."

He was a terrible liar. But I decided I'd let it slip this time, since I'd already made him feel uncomfortable and since he looked so small in that baggy pullover. I pushed the plate towards him.

"Here, eat."

He muttered his thanks and dug in – no refuses, no comments, no looks.

* * *

><p>There'd been a strange expression on his face when we'd walked out (together this time) and I'd jumped on my bike, while he stepped into the car. I swear I saw it all in his eyes – pain, bad memories… worry. Fear. For me.<p>

He'd said a quick goodbye and hurried into his car.

My day at work passed off quickly – Kurenai was rounded and irate, Anko and Gai had obviously passed stage 3 and were all lovey-dovey, Kakashi read his porn as nonchalantly as ever (obviously having a serious relationship didn't change that habit), Tsume was almost constantly on the phone, consulting with the vet about some new puppies. Ha! Puppies! My "puppy" was the size of a pony by now!

Talking about said "puppy" there was a real endearing sight, waiting for me when I got back from work – Jash was curled in a half moon pose, front paws majestically stretched on the floor, making him look kinda like the Sphinx; curled like a puppy to their parent's body was Izumo – on his back, head resting on Jash's side, mouth slightly open and snoring. The whole apartment smelled delicious – as barely as he ate Izumo cooked really well; I think he learnt from his mother.

I knelt down, a small smile on my lips, and gently moved back a lock of dark honey-colored hair. He fidgeted and opened his eyes. I smiled wider.

"Hey."

"Damn… I cooked… wanted to wait for you…"

"Let's try again. Hey."

He smiled a bit. "Hey. Welcome home."

"Mmm. Better. Shall we eat?"

"Yeah… yeah, let's."

"Smells good. What is it?"

"Lasagna. And honey cakes."

"…Is it my birthday?"

He chuckled nervously, then looked away. "No, I just… you know… apologize. For… the recent scenes… and all."

"Don't. You don't need to apologize."

He looked back. He looked right into my eyes. I held the gaze. Then I smiled.

"But I will eat that lasagna and a dozen honey cakes though."

He laughed again.

* * *

><p>I laid in the bed, wide awake; and waited.<p>

It was around midnight when he got up, crept slowly to the drawer and opened it.

"Izumo."

He jumped, hit his hand, cursed and finally looked back.

"Hey. Didn't mean to wake you, go back to sleep…"

"Come back here."

"It's ok, I'm just getting myself another blan-…"

"Get the fuck under _the_ blanket, Izumo."

He hung his head dejectedly; but he did come back. I held the blanket up and he crawled under it… and right next to me. Even like that, he tried to lay stiffly. I sighed and pulled him closer. He gave a choked gasp.

"Don't…"

"I said it's ok. As long as we just sleep, it's ok."

"… I snuggle", he murmured; I was sure he was blushing madly.

"Sure you do", I grinned.

"I'm terrible, I'm telling you. I'll end up laying onto you, seeking more warmth…."

"Shut up and sleep already!"

"But…"

"Quiet down, Kamizuki!"

He finally did; after some time his breath evened. Ironically, no matter what he said, it was me, who fell asleep, lulled by his warmth.

* * *

><p>I woke up in the morning with extra weight on my body – just as he had predicted he was laying on me, head on my chest, drooling a bit, arms clinging onto me… his morning erection pressed snuggly next to mine.<p>

I laid mortified. If I moved, even to dislodge him, it'd create friction. The idea of that sent mixed signals all over my body. My panicked mind screamed at me to stop with the stupid ideas and run. My body on the other hand purred "Friction? As in, coming, along with someone else? Why not? In fact… please do that."

He fidgeted, moaning quietly. I bit my bottom lip as his prick grinded on mine – Kami sama, yeeaaaah!

He suddenly froze. He laid just as stiffly as me. That's when I realized he'd just fully woken up and realized the situation. He shuddered. That didn't help with our "problem".

"Um… I… oh, Kami… S-sorry…", he mumbled, beet red and trying to move away as quickly and… less friction-creatingly as he could.

I grabbed his arm, stopping him. He turned his head, gasping a bit, looking at me. Again, I held that gaze, confused and shocked as I was. Not saying a word, I moved my hips.

He bit his bottom lip hard, closing his eyes. I thrust upwards again. He shuddered all over.

"Haaah! Oh, don't, don't…!"

His trembling, glossy lips… his face, contorted with pleasure, helplessness and guilt… My hands slid down his back and cupped the perfect half-globes of his firm ass. I thrust up again, and again…

"Kotetsu… Kotetsu…", he whispered reverently.

He finally began moving with me. We rutted against each other like teenage boys, moaning, half-consciously encouraging and begging for more. It'd been so long… so long since each of us had felt that indescribable feeling of another warm body moving next to our own… in sync… tensing…hardening even more… close… closer… someone to push you over the edge… and still be there when you fly…

"AaAAAAAh!"

Was it me? Or him…? Both?

He collapsed on top of me. We were panting… sticky… sated.

Sated. Floating…

My eyes shot open. I was hugging my violator. I had just come, and made him come…! Oh, Kami…! How sick was that?

Or… was it?

I needed to see Bens.

"I… shower…", I muttered, untangling myself from him and literally running.

* * *

><p>I burst in her office, again, blurting something like "We almost had sex this morning!" Genma glared at me.<p>

"Seriously, Kotetsu?! Can I PLEASE, eventually, have a word with OUR psychiatrist as well, without you rushing in?! Maybe talk about MY partner, ask for advice for MY relationship problems?!"

"I… Gen, I'm really sorry…"

"Never mind…", he grumbled, walking out.

Fuck. I'd need to apologize properly later. But now I had to get _that_ outta my system!

"Bens, I just, I…"

"Sit down and start from the beginning", she said calmly.

I told all about that morning and the night before, that had led to it – us sharing the blanket, him seeking warmth… ending up on top of me… both of us waking up hard…

"And-and then I… I mean it should be a normal reaction – we're both guys, and gays, we have certain needs, a-and he just … _was_ there, flushed face and glossy lips and I… Kami! I'm so disgusting! I'm sick, aren't I? I lust after my violator! I even said I loved him! It's… it's Sweden Syndrome!"

Bens' eyebrow twitched violently. "It's called Stockholm Syndrome and it is not the case at all. Plus, I think we already discussed it and agreed that you do not see Kamizuki Izumo as your violator. Rather, you have accepted him as… another victim. Part of you wants, needs to point the finger, to accuse and say "He did that, he's the bad guy" That part is disgusted with yourself when you feel drawn to Izumo. But the bigger part saw his tears, united with your heart and soul and said "No. He was in just as much pain as you were." That part, again – the bigger part – demands you comfort him…thus comforting both of you."

Suddenly feeling drained, I collapsed on the sofa.

"What do you suggest?"

She gave me a thoughtful look. "I think you'll feel… a bit more… reassured with your feelings… if you test a theory, in better time than early in the morning when you can blame it all on being half asleep."

And again, she had that look that parents give their children when they wait for the kids to understand something by themselves. I knew that I'd hear nothing more from her for now, not until I'd understood her confusing message, so I just stood up, nodded and left for work.

* * *

><p>He was at home when I got back.<p>

He didn't even see it coming.

He suddenly found himself pinned to the nearest wall, our groins grinding, my lips merely a few inches from his. He looked up, huge eyes looking for answers, confused…

"K-Kotetsu?"

I silenced him with a kiss. Deep, searching, hungry kiss. He moaned helplessly. It scared me, how much I liked seeing and hearing him so helpless under me. It made the recently found (accepted?) animal in me growl with pleasure.

"W…What are you… doing?", he panted when our lips parted.

"Testing a theory", I growled.

It was daytime. We weren't sleepy, there were no usual morning erections we could blame… Just us. Fully awake, sober and understanding what was going on.

I needed that. I needed to know there were no obstacles between us this time, just us, and if I didn't feel disgusted or terrified now… it was ok. I had finally gotten that. That was what Bens was trying to say…

And… I didn't. I didn't feel disgusted, nor terrified, nor ashamed…

I was horny.

My hand slipped in his unzipped, by me, jeans… in his boxers… He was hard. Already. _**I**_ had made him hard, horny and wanting… wanting _**me**_.

The monster inside me purred.

"Ko-te…tsu…!"

"Shhh…"

"P-please… I can't…"

I pulled down my own boxers and lined up our pricks. Then I started stroking.

Whatever he'd wanted to say was reduced to moans, grunts of pleasure and even small cries. We came just like that, in few seconds, few strokes, against a wall – our bodies had become that needy.

His knees were shaky. He was trembling.

I needed a few seconds to understand that it wasn't only from pleasure in the afterglow.

"Izumo?", I asked, my voice still hoarse.

"If… if you're gonna leave … me … again… go now. Please. Don't … don't embrace me if you're gonna… leave… again…"

Oh, Kami… I'd never thought what it had been like for him that morning, when I literally ran…

"I mean… I know I deserve it… just… can you… do it quickly, leaving… cuz it fucking hurts…"

"I'm sorry, Izumo", I murmured, kissing the top of his head. "I'm sorry. I'm not leaving. See?", I hugged him tighter. We slid to the floor. He clung to me, still shaking, though I heard no sobs. It didn't matter that we were tired, sticky and on the floor… it had been hard, it had been very difficult, but… we were there, together. I thought we'd remain like that for a while…

**A.N.** The title's idea was to point out that they are close to solving some of their problems and close to a climax – next chapter includes the long awaited smut scene. Also, the title was kind of inspired by Linkin Park's song named like that – it was one of the first of theirs I fell in love with…


	30. Chapter 30 Intense

**A.N.** Please do try to ignore any minor mistakes and enjoy the story. Arigato.

Chapter 30 – Intense

**! Izumo POV !**

"Mmm…"

It was warm. Good. Homey…

I love warmth. I love the feeling of a home to belong to…

Skin. Warm, naked skin under my hand. He slept; his arm was around me, not having moved at all since he pulled me into the bed last night, whispering reassuring words I so craved but did not at all deserve…

I didn't deserve him. But I wanted him. So much.

I shifted a bit to get a better look at his sleeping face – wild hair, even more messy, closed eyes (has he always had those long eyelashes?), lips, slightly parted… Perfect. Almost mine, but not really. Would have been, but wouldn't ever be now…

Kami, I sound so mushy; worse than a chick…

He shifted slightly and opened his eyes slowly. He almost smiled; almost.

"Mornin'…", he rasped.

…There ain't anything sexier in the world than a man's sleepy voice…

I muttered something inadequate-sounding in return. He looked at me thoughtfully.

"Want eerm… some help…?"

"Hm?"

He shifted his hips a bit, making his point without words.

Oh.

I know I was blushing again. Damn it.

"I eer… t-thanks, I'll… handle it…"

He sighed, rolling his eyes. "Come here…"

"You d-don't have to…"

"Shhh… less talk. Haven't had my coffee yet…", he grumbled.

I hid my smile in his shoulder as his hand slipped in my boxers; we were laying on our sides now, facing each other. His hand was big… warm…rough. It felt goooood…..

"Mmmmmh!"

I was biting his shoulder by this time, to muffle my moans. Just a few years ago I'd be embarrassed by how little was needed now to make me cry like a bitch. Yeah, well… I was a player back then. I'd had that almost every night. And now, before last night, it'd been months (fine, _years_) since I'd had _anything_ like that…

My moans, however, must have gotten him in the mood too because I felt a responding budge poking my thigh. Again, I wanted to slap myself. I'd never been a selfish lover… except… that one thrice cursed drunken time… I shook my head – now was not the time to think about it…

My hand slipped into his boxers in return.

All movement stopped at once. He tensed all over, his breath hitched.

Was… my every touch… terrifying to him; repulsive?

I was on my way to remove my hand, muttering a quiet "I'm sorry…"

He exhaled shakily and said, with a voice just as trembling…

"You can… go on. Just… just the front, ok!?"

In a moment of clarity I understood what he must have felt – we'd done that last night too, but then he'd hold both of us. He'd been in total control. Now, control was divided in two equal parts. I had control over him as well as he had over me. I was partly in control, touching him – wherever I wanted, and it terrified him, that I might want to touch more than it was in his comfort zone.

"I promise…", I said just as shakily, hoping it'd tell him how much I just wanted to please him, how I'd do anything not to frighten or hurt him, ever again…

His hand moved again, up and down, slower in the beginning, waiting for the moment when mine would move too … waiting to see if it'd be unbearable. I moved tentatively. He sped up. Ok, so I'm doing it right, yeah? It's ok…? Should be ok…?

"M-mh…"

That was him! He moaned! I was doing ok, he was feeling good, it was ok!

I wanted to laugh. To dance and scream from joy.

Instead it only brought me closer.

"I'm…", I only managed.

"Me too…", he hissed.

We both sped up… and then, just like that, we were screaming, coming together, as one.

And it was… perfect.

* * *

><p>This started happening every morning – it's actually a bit funny how our bodies worked as if we were horny teenagers, but on the other hand I guess that's what happens when you sleep with the guy you are at least strongly attracted to (or in my case – in love with). We'd jerk each other off, or we'd let our hips grind, creating a friction through the material of our underwear, or we'd line our erections and hold together, one hand over the other as we finished.<p>

I'd offered to suck him once, but he declined. Not that I really expected it, but he didn't offer either.

On Sunday I gained some courage and decided to try my luck.

We laid facing each other, touching the other just like that first morning. He was heavy in my hand; a bit of precome was already leaking. He was panting harshly, moaning, eyes closed.

I stopped all movement. His eyes immediately snapped open, questioning.

I turned on my back and spread my legs, trying to ignore the blush I was sure was making my face deep red. That had always been the hardest part for me – opening up, inviting the other party in the times I'd been the bottom. I guess some guys, the more feminine amongst us, didn't have problems with that, but I'd always seen myself as a man. And as such, it was a hard thing for me to _invite_ another man to fuck me, good as I knew it could be for me too.

With Kotetsu, given our history, it was even harder.

I couldn't meet his eyes, cowardly as I knew it was.

"Come on…", I just said, putting all my will and control in not stuttering.

The bed creaked and suddenly felt lighter. My eyes immediately were on him.

He'd turned his back on me, shoulders slightly hunched.

"I can't… I'm sorry, I can't yet…", he muttered and hastily left the room.

I slowly stretched back my legs, then turned on my side and brought them to my chest, curling in a ball… trying not to feel like a whore, who'd just been told that they're not even worth the fuck…

* * *

><p>I hate Mondays. Mondays… should be banned. Deleted. Skipped somehow.<p>

Another boring day at the station; sitting at my desk, staring at his empty one… Watching Iruka's glowing face. I was jealous and I hated that. I was happy for him, I really was! Damn, he was a great guy and deserved happiness more than anyone!

But… looking at him and knowing that I'd never have that – could have it, but my own idiocy had made it so it was impossible now – made me feel like the lowest scum.

Which I was.

I knew I wouldn't try anything anymore. I would ask for nothing from him. I'd just… give what he wants, for as long as he wanted it… or as long as I could bear. I caught myself thinking of ways to gently separate from him, before I'd fallen apart. But that was not an option either – I'd just fall apart, **_because_** I'm separated from him. It hurt to be with him and it was unbearable to be without him…

I all but crawled up the stairs to my apartment that evening. I was considering a long shower… or lounging in the bathtub… accidentally drowning in it…

**_[A.N._**_ insert __**Simon Curtis – Flesh**__ here__**]**_

The beat caught me at the threshold – it sounded through the whole, semi-dark apartment, as if it was alive and that was its heartbeat. Some other electric instrument interwove with the beat as the song proceeded. I frowned a bit.

"Kotetsu?", I asked lifelessly.

Something… a strong hand grabbed me and slammed me to the nearest wall, leaving me breathless. A hard body pressed to mine… and his mouth slammed onto mine.

The kiss was hard and demanding, making it clear who was going to be in control. Because if nothing else, the whole setting suggested that the night wasn't gonna end with just this one kiss…

He suddenly pulled back, then pulled me from the wall. He dragged me through the living room then entered my bedroom and tossed me like a rag doll on the bed.

_"This is not the way into my heart, into my head  
>Into my brain, into none of the above…"<em>

I could only see him from the waist up – and he was naked. The way he was looking at me, like a predator, having left all humanity just outside that door, made me crawl backwards; goose bumps rose on my skin as he crawled right after me, grabbed my ankles and pulled me down, under him. He roughly spread my legs wide and crawled sensually between them; I could almost hear him growl…

**_*Lemon scene - THE smuttiest thing I've written so far - cut. Please see my profile here on FF for more information on my AdultFanFiction profile, where the full chapter can be found. Trust me, it's good.*_**

My head fell back - for a second my eyes registered the sight of the ceiling. I wanted to thank him. To say that I love him, and I'm sorry and…

The white light engulfed me.


	31. Chapter 31 Tattoo fetishes and

**A.N.** I'm posting that before I have to leave for work (?) It's crazy here, around me, again, so I don't know how often I'd be able to update (and write at all; thus - my other works are on hold). Try to ignore the mistakes and enjoy the story. The smut scene IS NOT THAT graphic, ! So you bear with it too. Pretty please?

Love,

assassi

Chapter 31 – Tattoo fetishes and harsh realizations

**! Kotetsu POV again !**

It was still early when I woke up – I could tell by the still grayish sky outside. My body felt light and worn-out in the same time, in that perfect way that only a night of perfectly satisfying sex could give you. My hipbones protested with a dull ache when I tried to move them; I probably had bruises. Wicked as that thought was it actually made me smile.

I looked beside me and my chest tightened with a feeling I couldn't quite describe.

He laid on his stomach, arms and legs thrown in every direction; his hair was messy and hid most of his face, revealing only his slightly parted lips – he was drooling a bit. His eyelashes were moving, indicating that he was dreaming and in a moment of extreme mushiness I wished he dreamt of me. His naked gracious back was all on display, showing his lean body. The sheet was barely covering his ass. Smiling again, I couldn't resist the temptation and slid the sheet lower, slowly, revealing the perfect firm globes… still reddened from our night. The memory of his tight heat all around me, squeezing me, pulling me deeper while he moaned and cried and begged… His face when he came and came again…

I shifted uncomfortably. But of course I'd cause myself a little "problem", by only recalling our first real night together, in one of the few mornings I hadn't already woken up with a morning wood.

Sighing, I covered his sleeping form with the sheet and stood up to go to the bathroom. Once there, I decided against the cold shower and turned on instead both faucets, sighing again as the warm water hit my back, relaxing my muscles.

Izumo's bathroom was pretty kinky – all the walls of the shower cabin were covered in mirrors and the lights in that section were stronger, sharper. On the other hand there was a coppery bathtub in the other corner with dim lights (and places for candles) and a curtain made of the lightest, transparent champagne colored material. I think that (pretty vast for a bathroom) part of his home represented Izumo the best – his horny, possessive, wild side… and his romantic side; the whim to have sex against a mirrored wall… and the need to snuggle in the bathtub with his lover.

Needing a shower that morning, I ended up on the bathroom's pervy side. I stood under the spray, with my face turned up for as long as I could hold my breath. Reaching blindly I grabbed his shampoo and began washing my hair; then I borrowed his shower gel and his bath sponge, lathering my body. His bath cosmetics smelled nice; woodsy. I liked it a lot. Standing once again under the spray and feeling my sore muscles finally relax I let out a little moan.

And someone else moaned with me.

I turned around, surprised. Izumo watched, awed. He looked surprised, amazed and horny in the same time. Catching a glimpse of myself in one of the mirrors I smirked, realizing why.

He'd never seen me with my hair down and wet. He was probably surprised it was that long when flattened by water – it actually reached my shoulder blades.

Another thing on said shoulder blades, and my whole spine for that matter, was my tribal tattoo – all black and complicated interlacing design. Izumo's eyes were glued on it, burning with a fire I knew all too well from last night. And if one didn't see those eyes, then they couldn't possibly miss his hard-on.

Sooo… tattoos made him horny? He had a tattoo fetish?

I smirked wider, beckoning him with a come-hither gesture. He almost stumbled towards me, stepping in the shower cabin with me. I ran a hand down his side.

"You like tattoos?"

He nodded vigorously.

"You like them even more on naked men, standing under a running shower, I presume?", I said with a low voice.

He nodded frantically.

"You want to be taken against that very wall, watching my tattooed back in the mirror behind me. Don't you?"

He whimpered, nodding urgently.

"Say it", I growled.

He looked at his feet. "T-Take me… please."

"Look at me", he did. "Now say it again."

He was beet red now. "Please… take… me."

Knowing about his playboy years before he met his previous partner, I found his embarrassment now pretty… endearing? Mostly because I could see it wasn't an act. He really was shy right now, with me.

He was watching his feet again. As I was cornering him, backing him up to the mirrored wall, I looked down too and watched as one of my feet settled between his, and one of his settled between my own feet. He wriggled his toes, making me grin and suppress a chuckle – it was funny to see such a shy, even a bit girly gesture, made with such big feet that screamed "manly".

Realizing I was openly staring, checking him out, I let my gaze slide up his body. My hands reached out to caress what my eyes saw and touching his wet skin was another new revelation; the way the water made its texture all different… silky, yet unable to hide the strength beneath it, the firmness of his muscles. His body was almost completely hairless – a few hairs on his chest, a few on his legs, nearly none on his arms… a few around his cock. I knew he only removed those on his armpits. Otherwise he didn't wax or shave any parts of his body. He hadn't had time to shave his face that morning too, and his stubble felt somehow erotic under my fingers and lips. I should tell him somehow, that I liked it that way – not overgrown, of course, but… a bit rough. Just manly enough. His hair was even more shiny when it was wet and it clung to his forehead when he dared to look up.

He parted his legs compliantly when I ran a hand on his thigh and I settled between them. When my hands offered the needed support, he slid up the wall and closed his legs around my waist. His breath hitched in that way that spoke of not only lust, but also nervousness. I tried to soothe him with kisses and little touches; I don't know how much those reached him since he refused to look at me and I therefore I couldn't reassure him with my eyes.

I nuzzled his neck, whispering the customary question. "Are you ready?"

"Yeah…"

His voice was just breathy enough to reassure me and I slid inside him. Even after last night his heat and the tightness surprised me. The catching of his breath, the little gasps, the way his arms tightened around my neck and his legs around my waist… the way he tried to stifle his moans and I could imagine him biting his lips…

"Are you ok?"

He nodded and I mostly felt that, since I couldn't see him well. I'd have liked to hear his voice and judge for myself if he really was ok, but this would have to do. I started moving, slower than last night, and his clutch tightened again. After some time he began meeting my thrusts. His little moans were ones of pleasure now, I was sure. His chin bumped into my shoulder – he was, indeed, watching my tattooed back as it flexed while I moved. His shaky hand traced the black ink and he moaned a bit louder. By the time I shifted his weight to support his body with only one hand and moved my other one between our bodies and around his member, he was half-sobbing.

"Am I reaching you?", I asked.

He knew what I meant – I asked if I was hitting his prostate, since I wasn't sure, being unable to see his face and with him, trying to suppress his moans.

"YES!", he rasped, his lips ghosting around my ear. And then he licked said ear.

Have I mentioned before that I have very sensitive ears?

"Izumo!", I half-screamed, leaning heavily onto him. I was coming and nothing could have stopped that, even if I'd had the chance to try. Luckily, he reached his peak in the same moment – he bit my shoulder to muffle his own scream, tensing and then going limp in my arms. We slid bonelessly on the floor, panting.

"That was great…. Thank you…", I murmured.

He shifted nervously. "I… I wanted to t-thank you… for last night, and now that too… I'm sorry I… eer…"

Fainted? Lost consciousness? I smiled.

"Stop apologizing for everything. I liked that; fucking you into unconsciousness."

He stirred nervously, again. "I… liked that too", he confessed.

I nuzzled his neck, kissing his shoulder. We stayed like that for a few more minutes and then we finally rose. He winced as I slid out from him and once he was on his feet, he staggered… badly. I grabbed him around his waist and his hands quickly grabbed my biceps.

"Izumo?"

"It… it's been a while", he confessed with a forced small smile, blushing deeply.

"How much… while?", I asked, suddenly suspicious, that I might have…

"A few… years."

Fuck. So… since Shiki.

"It's no problem, really… I-I've just… forgotten what it's like, that's all."

I had gone and overdone it. Waaaay overdone it if his shaking legs were any indication.

"I'm calling Namiashi. You're staying home today."

"I'm fine, I'm telling you! I'll just… take some vitamins and… I haven't even had my coffee yet…!"

"Stop your rambling! You. Are. Staying. Here today!"

He sighed, but then finally nodded compliantly. We showered quickly (I mostly cleaned us both, supporting him, and it was a miracle that the water hadn't gone cold while we were… busy) and then dried off briskly. He yelped when I lifted him bridal style and complained all the way to the bedroom where I deposited him on the bed before I went to call the captain. After a short talk with a grumpy Namiashi Raidou I returned to the bedroom, only to find Izumo half-sitting, half-laying, hands on his lap, looking utterly small and vulnerable. And lost in self-hatred. Again.

"I don't deserve this, Kotetsu; this care. Especially not from you."

I didn't know how to respond to this; so I simply bent down and kissed his brow.

"I have to go to work now. We'll talk when I get back."

He nodded miserably and snuggled further into the blankets.

* * *

><p>I honestly don't know how I must have looked when I stepped into ANBU's room that morning, but Anko and Tsume immediately started gossiping in low murmurs, <em>giggling<em>, throwing me sidelong glances. Asuma smirked knowingly and I think Kakashi was grinning behind his mask. Genma, who'd dropped to see "us" (cough-Raidou-cough), whistled.

"My, my… Someone's gotten laid."

I swallowed a bastard line like "Twice since last night" and smiled a bit. The guys immediately started with the catcalls.

"Well, I see bursting into Bens' office during my every single visit paid off", Genma winked.

"About that… Gen, I'm really s-…", I began.

"Save it", he smiled. "I'm glad you guys are ok. Raidou wouldn't tell me a word about it, but I could see he was worried", he added, quietly, so Kakashi and Asuma didn't hear him. Obviously, Genma wasn't gonna act as if he wasn't aware that **_I_** knew about him and the captain; the captain knew I knew – and so Genma knew as well. Lovers' communication.

I coughed slightly. "How eer… how about you, guys? You two ok?"

Genma grinned. "We're fine. Really. And I appreciate that you asked", he winked.

"Why don't you go see her, by the way? Bens. I'm sure she'd find that… an important improvement in your relationship", Genma teased.

I growled something under my nose, but I knew he was right. I sighed and dragged my feet towards her office.

* * *

><p>"So… you two had sex last night?", Bens asked, voice unnaturally calm.<p>

She'd barely spared me a glance when I'd stepped into the room. She was filling some papers, glasses perched on the tip of her nose.

I nodded, not managing to suppress a tiny smile.

"You were on top, I presume? In total control?"

Something in her voice made me frown, even as I nodded again.

"Did you command him? Tossed him around like rag doll? Dominated him?"

Yes, yes, and yes. My stomach lurched. Was that some post victim behavior or something? Was I subconsciously trying to be quits with him? Was I going to hurt him?!

Bens abandoned the papers and took off her glasses to look at me, her expression soft.

"Calm down, Kotetsu. I see you realize the position you are in. Yes, there are some risks, but as long as you are aware of them things should be ok. First of all you must know that you two will never be the same again, like before that night. He won't be the same witty, confident guy. And that says something, because it's not always like that and there are guys who don't really feel guilt as deep as his. Because he still feels guilty, Kotetsu. I saw him and I know now for sure. He'll always feel guilty. He'll always remember. He'll always do whatever you want from him, never complaining, even if it hurts him. He'd let you; and he'd keep quiet about it."

I was terrified. I totally believed her – that sounded just like Izumo.

"He'll always be quite submissive to you, especially now in the beginning, driven by his guilt. You'll be tempted to use and abuse this side of him. You wouldn't even know till you've done it."

More and more terrified with her every next word…

"Kotetsu. I'm telling you this because I know you don't want to get back at him for what he did to you. You don't want to hurt him to feel better or get your pride back or whatever. I see your terrified face right now and I know you really stepped into this with the intention to make it work. To overcome and forget the past and live in the future. With him. I think it's honorable. I think, despite everything, because of you two and how unique you two are… that what you have, rocky as it is… is something worth fighting for. This is why I'm telling you the worse scenarios, so you'd manage to avoid them. And now that you've heard them and know them, I believe you'd manage that feat."

Uncomfortable silence fell in the room. I stood up slowly, still dazed from what I'd just heard and realized; I raked a hand through my hair.

"I… I need to go now."

She just nodded with understanding.

* * *

><p>One look at my shell-shocked face had made Kakashi and Kurenai all but send me back home as if I was sick. I didn't even have to ask them to let me take the day off.<p>

Silence met me when I stepped into the apartment. I sneaked to the bedroom and opened the door quietly; Izumo was asleep, on his back, arms around his head as if he were a baby. I smiled and closed the door. I had to set a few things.

* * *

><p>"Izumo?", I whispered, moving aside a lock of brown hair. He scrunched his nose in a way that made me grin and my chest tightened. "Izumo…", I tried again.<p>

Black eyes opened slowly. He blinked.

"Hey", he rasped.

I grinned wider. "Hey."

"Is it after work already?"

"No. They let me off."

"Mm? Why?"

"To prepare you a bathtub."

"Huh?!", he frowned.

I chuckled, but then became serious again.

"I had a talk with Benihime."

"Oh."

"It… opened my eyes for quite a few things. We need to talk."

"…oh."

He looked positively on edge now.

"About us…", I added.

He sank deeper into the blankets, obviously preparing for rejection.

"… and how we'd make this work."

His head shot up, his eyes wide and unbelieving, but hopeful… so hopeful.

"What?", he rasped again.

"I assumed you want this to work?"

"Yes", he whispered with so much passion and want that I felt my throat clenching. I coughed lightly.

"We need to talk. And you need… I mean, your muscles must be… Look, I know I overdid it and I'm sorry and I didn't mean to hurt you and I wanted us to both feel good and I… I need to take care for you now, okay?!"

He blinked, then nodded slowly. "…Okay."

My fingers shook as I undressed him, as if I hadn't all but ripped his clothes just last night. He was blushing and looking away as if he hadn't all but begged me for more just last night. He took off my T-shirt and I took off my remaining clothes. When we were finally both naked I bent down to pick him up, noticing again that he was lighter than usual. He was tense in my arms, his own hand shyly taking place around my neck as if asking if that was okay. I nuzzled his hair to tell him it was more than okay.

He let me carry him to the bathroom, although he firmly said he could walk just fine. I pretended not to hear him. Once in the bathroom he sniffed the air like a puppy.

"What's that smell?", he asked quietly. "It's nice."

"Bath salts. The girl in the shop said they'll help your sore muscles relax."

"…I'm afraid to ask what you asked her so that she told you as much", he mumbled.

I suppressed a chuckle, stepping into the bathtub and helping him step in too. I made him sit between my spread legs and relax his back to my front. He did so, stiffly, more tense than before.

"Izumo. The whole idea is for you to relax", I reminded.

He nodded curtly. I could see him forcing himself to lean back more naturally against me. It would have been funny if it wasn't disturbing.

He took a deep shaky breath, exhaled it and looked around.

"You lit candles", he noted.

"Mm… Too much?"

"…No", he whispered.

Silence settled between us; he wriggled his toes again, making me smile a bit. But then, remembering what I wanted to talk to him about, I became serious again.

"So, like I said, I went to see Benihime today."

"Mmm…"

"Yeah. She um… well; I guess it must have been written all over my face. She guessed right, that we'd had sex last night."

He tensed once again. "And?", he asked quietly.

"She's worried I might end up hurting you, without even meaning it."

"…HUH?!"

I sighed. "She explained that… if we keep this, things, up we might not be able to make it work, the way we now want to. She said… that you still feel guilt about what happened before and therefore you'd do whatever I want from you even if it hurts you. She said that made you more submissive to me and that side of you might … tempt me to make use of it. That your submissiveness, caused by guilt, might awaken… things in me, dark and ugly feelings that… might … make me… want to hurt you."

He remained quiet. I closed my eyes.

"I'd like it so much if you said that wasn't true. That you wouldn't just let me do whatever I want to you."

"…But then I'd lie, Kotetsu."

My eyes opened a bit, focusing on a small portion of wet naked skin in front of me. "So you'll just endure? Take whatever I throw at you, clench your fists and bear with it, even if it makes you fall apart from the inside?"

"…You have all the rights to hurt me. And knowing what I've done to you… yes; I'd bear with anything… you might need to do with me. Or to me."

I closed my eyes again. "Please don't say it", I whispered. "Please don't think that."

He gently rubbed my leg with his hand. "It's okay, Kotetsu. It's alright."

_He_ was comforting _me_.

"It's not okay! It is SO NOT okay, Izumo!", I yelled; he didn't even flinch. "I don't want it that way", I added quietly. "Not that way."

He just rubbed my leg again.

He wouldn't change his mind just because I wanted him to, no matter what he said about the things I needed from him. His mind, I couldn't change like that. It only meant that I always had to be on edge with him, careful not to do just what Bens warned me about. So I'd do just that – I'll watch out, for both of us, taking care not to make a single wrong move on the rocky path that we walked on now.

Until he realized how I really wanted it to be, what I really needed and wanted from him… I'd be careful for both of us.

* * *

><p>We moved back to the bedroom after that; Izumo bristled about being carried like that around the house, but once I laid him down and moved next to him under the blankets he shut it. He made a hesitant move towards me and I encouraged him, making him sprawl on my chest. I could feel he was still nervous though. He cleared his throat and started with a shaky voice.<p>

"So, um… just so you know… i-it was…", he coughed slightly. "You only talk about eventually hurting me and overdoing it last night, so I thought you ought to know that… it was… I-I mean… v-very… good for me…"

I frowned. "What?"

He snuggled closer, hiding his face. "I-I mean it's been a while and I guess I needed it just as well, but… you know I can.. c-compare… and…. It was… it was… oh, Kami… Youweremybestokay?!"

I felt myself smiling a bit. "Come again?"

He groaned; I was sure he was beet red again. "I said… last night… and this morning… were my best. You were my best. Okay?!"

The animal inside me purred proudly. "Okay", I said, kissing his head. "Thank you."

He snorted loudly. "Thank _me_?!" He made small pause, snuggled closer and whispered "Thank _YOU_."

I smiled, kissing the top of his head again, gently rubbing his arm, flung across my chest, lulling him to sleep.


	32. Chapter 32 Working on it

**A.N.** So... I eer... will stop whining about life being unfair recently. Yeah. Now I'll whine about having lectures, again. So I'm kinda writing this in between them. Yeah... Ok, here, all whined. Do not flame a lot and enjoy.

Chapter 32 – Working on it

I stepped into the apartment I had unconsciously started calling "our" and dropped my messenger back near the door. I toed off my shoes, staggering; it had been a long day. We'd had a mission, beyond the border, which had demanded not so much brute power as sneaking and waiting for the right moment. Waiting is probably the thing that tires me the most. Add the journey back home, jumping from tree to tree like some mad squirrels, and I was exhausted. I had taken a quick shower at the station and hurried to come back, here, in our apartment, and just collapse on the couch.

A soft clinking sound from the kitchen, followed by a hushed voice, made me pause in my track and turn in said direction. I stopped at the door to the kitchen, crossed my arms, leaning on the wall by the door, and grinned.

"No, Jash, come on! I don't go eating your food! Or begging for that!", Izumo chided quietly, while Jash whimpered in his feet, all puppy-eyed adorableness. Izumo sighed, chopping the beef.

"You ate a full bowl of dog food. And a dog cookie. You are getting HUGE, man! What would the bitches say, hm? You need more exercise. Turn that fat into muscles, ya know? With those eyes and your built you're gonna be a heart breaker. Uh huh. Daddy would like a grand-puppy. Do think about that."

I couldn't hold my laughter anymore – I was almost rolling on the floor by that time, and Izumo turned to look at me, first surprised, and then with fake haughtiness.

"Oh. You're back", he said, trying for "coldly". Instead, he sounded like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

"Mm. I was intrigued by your conversation", I waved a hand between him and Jash, who was waving his tail, happy to see me.

"Well… do I lie?", he asked, motioning towards Jash.

"Ah… sorry, buddy, but he's got a point", I shook my head at Jash, who gave me a look that clearly said "Traitor! You only agree with whatever your bitch says!" He snorted and walked away.

"Starting tomorrow, I'm taking him out for a walk trice a day", Izumo nodded determinedly.

"M-hm."

"And we should talk to a vet, about a diet or something."

"M-hm."

"Are you even listening? Where do you put your hands?! I'm cooking here! Hey!"

"Shh. Just for a while. Please?"

He kept quiet and gradually relaxed in my arms as I hugged him from behind in the middle of the kitchen, tired from work and grinning like a lovesick fool.

I was working on accepting that I love this man, wrong as it might seem considering our history. And why should it be wrong? Everybody makes a mistake once in a while. And I'm not making up excuses for him – I could see how much our past affected him as well. And he apologized. Kami, he was apologizing every day, trying so hard to make it work. To make me forgive him, even though I told him I had already forgiven him.

I was in love with him; and was beginning to accept this was a normal thing.

I bent my head a bit and kissed his exposed neck.

"I'm home", I sighed.

"…Welcome home", he said quietly, his hand creeping over mine and squeezing gently.

* * *

><p>The alarm clock rang, making us both jump. Izumo groaned, growled and hid under the blankets. Smiling sleepily I stopped the damn thing and blinked, trying to wake up.<p>

"Izumo…", I rasped.

He mumbled something unintelligible from somewhere around my belly, where he had coiled like a snake. Vaguely wondering if that was how Anko woke up, I shook what I hoped was his shoulder gently.

"Come on, we need to get up already…"

"Mghshm…"

"…Sure. If you say so", I grinned, my eyes closing again.

I'd found out Izumo was not a morning person. Nor was I, for that matter. Rule number one in this house was: do not talk, walk or even breathe around me till I'd had my first coffee. Then, you may.

"Zumoooo…", I shook him again.

"Wlkd Jsh… yes-yesterdaaaay", (yawn), "Your turn."

_"I walked Jash yesterday, now's your turn",_ I translated to myself.

"No… we need to go to work", I simply said.

He pulled the blanket tighter around himself. I sighed in defeat, but then something clicked in my head.

"Sex in the morning?", I tried, smirking.

His head emerged from the blankets.

"I'm awake."

I just couldn't hold back my laughter.

* * *

><p>"'s cold…", he grumbled.<p>

"You're always cold", I noted.

He sniffed, dragging his feet behind me. We were finally going to work – after we'd drown in coffee, ate, had sex in the bathroom again, had a real shower then, and dressed.

"We should put a bed in the bathroom", he grumbled some more. "My back's killin' me…"

"Well, someone needed to wake up", I smirked.

"'m not complainin'…"

"Just a little…"

"No, no. The sex part I like. I love it in fact…"

…Only a man can understand what an ego boost is to hear your lover talking like that about your… abilities. I must have had a Cheshire's cat grin on my face at this moment.

"…it's my back that is driving me crazy afterwards."

"You're getting old", I joked.

"You're the same age as me", he reminded dryly; then he sighed and added "Hidan's making some comments about my walk again…"

"Hidan better watch someone else's ass!", I growled lowly, surprising myself.

Izumo froze, wide eyed – I saw that when I turned around to face him.

"Are you…? Nooo", he half-smiled. "You cannot possibly be…?"

I looked away. "We'll take it easy from now on. Morning sex – only on weekends. No shower sex. I'll… I'll see that you are comfortable."

"So that Hidan won't check out my ass?", he tried to suppress a smile.

"Not only for that!"

"But that too."

"…that too."

He allowed himself a tiny, but real smile, and sneaked into my embrace. His arms hugged me around the torso and he placed a soft, chaste kiss on my lips. He said nothing, just snuggled for a bit, his head bowed and his brow resting on my chest. When he pulled back, he took a quick look at my bike and then looked up at me again.

"Let me drive you to work today. Please?"

I knew how he still felt about motorbikes. I knew that if it depended on him, he'd drive me to work every single day. I sensed there was an argument coming about that (if he ever gathered the courage to ask something from me), but now was not the time, yet. That's why I simply nodded.

"Okay."

He smiled contently and walked towards his car.

* * *

><p>"I'll never be able to cook on this table; ever again…", Izumo murmured sleepily. I chuckled in the hollow of his neck.<p>

Yes, we had just had sex on the kitchen table, for the first time. It had been rough, bruising, and altogether brilliant.

"But… if you want me capable of doing this again, you have to keep me well fed and energetic…", I teased.

"Damn… Well, there's the kitchen counter…", he mused, making me laugh again. He moaned.

"Mmm… don't do that while you're still inside me", he murmured in my ear, making _me_ wanna moan. Instead I groaned and carefully slipped out of him. He winced a bit.

"Want me to carry you to the bathroom?", I asked.

"Mm… I'm fine", he said, carefully standing up and walking towards said bathroom, making a face as certain naughty juices flowed down his thighs. I was tempted to follow him, but I knew where this was going to end; and he needed some time to rest, from me. That's why I opted for the tissues for now and a shower later.

When Izumo joined me on the couch in front of the TV, dressed in baggy sweatpants and a worn T-shirt, I had cleaned myself, ordered the pizza and was eating the first small triangle. He grabbed another one, snuggled close to me and nodded to the TV.

"What's the movie called?"

"Don't tell me you've never seen _Blade_?!"

"Eer, no."

"!"

"Whaaat…?"

"It's a must-see!"

"A favorite of yours?"

"Yes!"

"Oh. Okay. Who's the big guy?"

"Erm, Blade maybe?"

"His name is Blade?"

"That's how he calls himself, yes. He was born Eric. Shush now."

"…Who's the ghostly guy? He's hot."

I laughed. He glared. "What now?!"

"His name is Frost actually."

"Oh…", he smiled a little, now understanding the joke.

"…Ew, ewww! Why do they do that!?"

"They are vampires, geez!"

"Pfft. But of course you'd like that."

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"…You bite a lot. Haven't you realized that?!", he moved the hem of his T-shirt, showing his new, just received bite marks. I grinned.

"Mmm… _"If I was your vampire, certain as the moon…"_*, I sang with a low voice. He snorted.

"Yeah, right", but then he looked at me smirking. "And maybe you kinda are…"

He kept asking questions, some of them while chewing, still snuggled next to me and half sitting in my lap. That position, and the vampires on the TV, sucking on each other's necks, led to us, doing the same (minus the bleeding). With the movie completely forgotten, we were soon tripping towards the bedroom, clawing at each other's clothes, kissing and biting and pushing – I pushed him on the bed and he pushed his naked body flush to mine. We both moaned.

I slipped inside him easily – he was still loosened from before. And yet again – still tight. Hot. Easy to make a man lose himself inside him.

He moaned again, this time with pain – it sounded like the sound had slipped past reluctant lips, against his will – and hid his face in the crook of my neck.

"Izumo…?", I panted.

I heard him gulping dryly, then he rasped "Go on."

I pulled back and searched his eyes. It was in vain – he avoided my stare.

"Izumo…", I tried again.

"It's fine, go on", he groaned.

"Look at me."

I knew he'd comply with a direct order. He did so every time, since we got back together. It had to do with the guilt he still felt. And if I was right, his actions, now, had the same reason.

He finally, reluctantly, met my eyes. His were a bit watered. I winced – I had hurt him that bad, it seemed.

"What is it?", I asked softly.

He averted his eyes again. "I'm sore", he muttered.

I nodded and started pulling out as carefully as I could, apologizing quietly. Frantic movement startled me and in the next moment I was staring in wide black eyes, looking almost scared. Izumo's hands were clutching my biceps tightly, his short nails digging into my flesh; he was panting a bit.

"What-why?!", he blurted out, gasping. I frowned.

"You're uncomfortable, what kind of question…?", I started.

"I'm not bleeding. And-and even if I were… 's okay… go… go on…", his voice faded by the end, his cheeks turning red.

Gritting my teeth I pulled out gently and sat on the edge of the bed, turning my back to him; I needed a few seconds to pull myself together. I took a deep breath and faced him again, crossing my legs on the bed. His eyes flickered towards my still hard member and then returned to my eyes again.

"Now listen to me, cuz I'm only gonna say it once", I started. "This ain't punishment. I don't want to hurt you. Damn it, Izumo, stop acting a martyr! I forgave you, I'm trying to make it work…", I sighed, burying my fingers into my wild hair. "When we have sex, I want you to feel good. So tell me if you don't. When I yell or want to hit you, it's because the stupid thing you'd just done, and not because you'd hurt me in the past! So yell or hit back! Don't just endure… please. When we agreed we'd try, it was a real partner I wanted. Even with our past. Despite it. So work with me. Okay?"

He managed a stoic face only for a small nod, then hurried to turn his back on me, hiding his face. As if I wouldn't know what he was trying to hide. As if I wouldn't see his body shaking...

I sighed again and laid down. I waited a moment – he didn't turn. I grabbed his arm and turned him around – he immediately hid his face in my chest. Well, that was better. At least now he was snuggling, clutching onto me, holding me closer. I was hugging back, giving him warmth, giving him reassurance that we weren't as broken as we seemed now, just after an evening when everything had seemed perfectly fine for the time being. He whispered that he was sorry. I told him not to be. He said okay.

"You're still shivering", I noted.

"'m cold", he said.

I tightened my grip around him and lifted the blankets around us. He snuggled closer. After some more time, the shivering, the wetness on my chest disappeared. There was no more sex that night - he fell asleep, in my arms.

And that was good.

* * *

><p>Entering the station on the next morning we passed Bens, who was dragging Hidan by the ear towards her office (I hope my inner evil grin hadn't shown on my face – yes, I did still remember Izumo telling that Hidan had been checking out his ass!).<p>

"You two should come around soon, too!", she yelled in order to outshout Hidan's screams.

"We're fine now, thanks", I yelled back. And indeed we were. After last night's small talk and him having spent all night sleeping in my arms, we woke up with our arms and legs tangled, eyes looking at the other. We spent what seemed like hours just kissing – slowly, sometimes chastely, sometimes on the noses and eyelids and brows… exploring and telling each other… that it was real…

Beside me, Izumo blushed a little and his half-smile was back on his face. Nice way to start your day, I decided as we kissed quickly and parted, each walking towards his respective room. Changing my mind when I was almost there, I decided to visit the loo first. Upon entering I saw Iruka talking on the phone in the corner. He obviously didn't see me and continued with his conversation.

"You should just take the day off; I know I… Look, I'm sorry, Kashi. I know I overdid it last night…"

I smirked, both because I knew that feeling of guilt and pride in the same time and because I cheered for Iruka.

"Yes, I like it too… I know it was my turn last night, but I didn't mean… Yes. Okay. What, no! I'm not gonna…! No. I will not repeat after you! What, are we in the Academy now?... What questions?", big sigh. "Fine, shoot. … Y-yes", nervous cough. "Yes, I like it when it's my turn to top. But I like when you top too!", nervous laughter. "Okay, just… just so you know. … Yes. No, I'm not gonna…", heavy blush, a whisper. "I like it.. w-when I'm i-inside you. … Love you too. Yeah… just… take it easy today, okay? Mmh. Bye."

He turned around, saw me grinning and all color drained from his face.

"Oh, Kami…! I… Damn. You obviously heard enough."

I nodded, still grinning.

"Just… just don't let him know you know, okay? He's… he's a very closed person and he only lets me…", he caught himself babbling and stopped. "So, ugh, yeah. Not a word, okay?!"

"Okay", I nodded reassuringly.

"Ugh, thanks", he smiled, blushing a bit. "Wanna go out on Friday? I'll buy you a beer if you don't tease him…"

I chuckled. "Weeeell, if you'd buy me a beer…"

He laughed too, patted my back and left.

My grin faded. A thought I did not want to acknowledge was trying to wreck havoc in my soul.

* * *

><p>„So, um… Remember when you told me I could always come talk to you about… eeer, man-relationship problems?"<p>

Genma gulped from his beer and blinked.

"I believe I meant questions about sex, but oh well… shoot."

"Eer, they kinda are. A-about…. Yeah. So. The captain and you…. I mean…"

"Whenever you're ready, Kotetsu...", he grinned.

"Do you switch the roles?", I blurted out.

Genma frowned a bit. "Since we became serious about each other, seriously together… yeah."

"Oh."

"You mean Kamizuki and you never…?"

"We… have a history."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"… Well, that was awkward."

* * *

><p>"…so I said I wouldn't, of course. What's gotten into him, I wonder? … Kotetsu?"<p>

"Huh?", I turned my head to face him. He was driving back home so he only spared me a quick glance before his eyes were on the road again.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah… yeah."

"Where are you?", he asked, his voice uncharacteristically soft.

"Here. Here with you", I forced a smile on my face.

"Hmm. I was thinking of making burritos for dinner. How about that?"

"I'm okay with anything you cook today", I just said. He gave me another quick look.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Sure I am! The way you said that it sounded like I'm usually impossible to live with."

He remained quiet for a moment, then said with the same gentle voice "Quite the opposite…"

Dinner time passed in tense silence. I couldn't stop thinking about the talk I'd had with Genma and the one I overheard from Iruka; and I couldn't stop thinking about the thing I'd decided to do, just now. Probably having decided I was just being pensive and needed to be left alone, Izumo remained quiet as well.

He finally stood up, taking away the dishes and I took a deep breath.

"Why don't you go take a shower? I'll have one later", I offered.

I could see by the faint frown that he knew something was not quite right, but he just nodded and did as he was told. I waited to hear the water running, then (taking some more fortifying breaths) I walked into the bedroom and began undressing.

* * *

><p>His first words when he came from the bathroom, with only pajama bottoms, and with water dripping down his fucking sexy body, were: "Are you mocking me?"<p>

I needed a second to realize that this, now, was a twisted retrospection of his little display some days (or weeks) ago. I laid, spread naked on the bed, waiting for him. It took all my will to open my legs in a shameless, perverse way. My hands gripped the headboard and my breathing was labored; I fought to keep my eyes opened and on him.

"You do this for me. We are together now, for real. If I want this to work, and I want so, I have to… have to…"

Damn it. It still hurt. I still couldn't even _say_ it. And I expected him to _do_ it.

Realization and understanding dawned on his face.

"Kotetsu…", he began slowly, with that same gentle voice.

"No, don't start with those bullshits! I heard Iruka and I talked with Genma and… j-just… do it!"

He just shook his head.

"What, are you scared?!", I half-yelled, provoking him.

He gave me a blank look. "A little", he confessed. "But if you think I can "just do it", then we are not really together, Kotetsu; and you still see me as that drunk, mindless creature that didn't give a damn about your feelings. I made a mistake. I am not like that."

My eyes widened; I sat up, my legs bent and flush to my body. "I didn't mean…! Zumo, come on! That's not what I…"

He sighed. "Get dressed. Or at least put on some boxers. I'll sleep in the spare bedroom tonight if you want me to…"

"B-But! Zumo, please!"

I felt angry tears pricking my eyes and looked away in shame, my arms going around my knees.

I heard him sighing again; then the mattress sunk under his weight as he crawled right next to me. A finger lifted my chin, as he made me look at him. He smiled, a bit forcedly.

"Put on some boxers. I'll sleep here tonight, if you want me to, but I'm not gonna take you."

I opened my mouth again, not really knowing what I wanted to say. He put a finger over my lips.

"Let's not discuss it right now. You are not ready. I am not ready… I promise you that you not being… capable to give yourself to me, isn't going to be a problem in our relationship…"

"For now", I added bitterly.

"For now", ne admitted.

So… he'd like that; one day.

"When you're ready", he said, as if having read my mind, "When we're ready. Now… do you want me stay here tonight?"

I nodded vigorously.

Fuck all masculinity, I just needed to be held tonight…

**A.N.** Nice reviews do make me happy. I'm also a follower of the wisdom "If you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all"... or something like that. You got the point.


	33. Chapter 33 Development

**A.N.** Now, a few words with my loyal readers. The story is now officially finished - it has three more chapters, this one included, plus an epilogue :) I am now writing its FIRST sequel (pause for squeal-s :D) which I expect you'd review as well. You'll be told more details later. Now, you'll notice that this chapter and the beginning of the next one are a bit too fluffy. The ones who know my style will guess it is because there is angst to come. However, I promise the obligatory happy end ;) Now review to make me post the remaining chapters faster and write the sequels faster as well ;D

Chapter 33 – Development

"…and thyme, don't forget to buy thyme! Ugh! I…better buy something from "Gene's Grill", I'm sure I'll mess it up!"

"Breathe, Kotetsu. It's just Mom and Aiko. And you've cooked that stew. I love it."

"You love everything I cook…"

"Because I love you."

"…"

"I mean… shit…"

"I eer.. yeah… love you too. And stuff."

He chuckled. Kami, I loved to hear him laugh; and he did it so rarely. As if he found it improper to laugh around me.

"And stuff? What stuff, pray tell?", he asked.

I smirked, holding my cell with my shoulder and chopping the meat for dinner.

"Well, you know… stuff like your six pack. I love to see it flex while I…"

"Okay, okay! Geez, I'm at the market, Tetsu, don't give me a hard-on!", he hissed in the phone.

I laughed whole-heartedly; that made him pause a bit.

"And I love that sound", he said quietly, making me smile.

"What are you doing for dessert?", I asked, changing the subject.

"Apple pie. The one with the whipped cream on top… which I only add for you, there's no whipped cream in the original recipe…"

"Mm. And thank you for that. There's no cinnamon left, by the way. You used it all the last time…"

"… at 3 in the morning on a beautiful Saturday, when someone decided he absolutely needed apple pie, just then", pause, I could imagine him shaking his head with that half-smile on his face. "Sometimes I feel like I'm living with my pregnant wife."

"Aaaw, but honey", I said, modulating my voice, "I did repay you…"

"…using the leftover whipped cream on me."

"Mmm", I palmed my rising erection. "Get back quicker, please. There's still some time before I need to panic again and we could… you know…", I smirked.

He sighed. "I know. I just bought some extra whipped cream."

"Mm, my thoughtful husband", I grinned, saying that with the modulated voice.

He snorted and hung up.

* * *

><p>"Here we are!", I said, serving the steaming stew. The way Izumo looked at me showed me just how much my inner hysteria showed on the outside.<p>

"Oh, it looks marvelous! Did you learn the recipe from your mother, Kotetsu?", his mother smiled kindly. I coughed nervously, but Izumo hurried to save me from having to answer that.

"He's a natural talent", he smiled, giving me a quick "It's ok"-look. I smiled back in appreciation.

He knew the story of course; about my messed up relationship with my whole family – the brother and father who hated me enough to nearly kill me, and the mother who wasn't strong enough, or simply didn't care enough, to stop that. He knew it all, having wrung it out of me in my post-orgasmic bliss, while he was contently laying in my arms, caressing me gently and encouragingly. He knew how sore the topic was and never brought it on, ever again, once he learnt it. What's more, he'd gotten overprotective and always changed the subject when the conversation became dangerously close to said topic.

He helped me serve the meal in the dishes and waited for the reaction as if he were the proud mother of a genius; once again, that's a look my own mother had never showed me.

"Oooh! It's amazing, Kotetsu! Absolutely fantastic!", his sister said once she'd tasted the stew.

"Brilliant!", his mother agreed. "I want the recipe!"

The soft "ding!" saved me from having to answer that (I'm sure I was blushing) and Izumo stood up.

"That's for the pie. Tetsu, some help?"

"Sure", I followed him.

He pulled the pie out from the oven and I pulled the cream out from the fridge, handing it to him. He shook the bottle and started coating the dessert. He used the whole packing, shaking it some more by the end to get all the cream out. His hand and even his nose ended up coated in bits of cream, thanks to that. Forgetting about the public, I was only happy to help him get rid of it, licking first his nose and then sucking his fingers, suggestively. He bit his lower lip, his eyes hooded. He bent down his head for a kiss…

Soft giggles made us come to our senses, blush heavily and look in different directions as his mother and sister started with the cat-calls.

But when we finally joined them on the table they both looked… happy. Proud. And what worried me – grateful; to me. I avoided their eyes for as long as I could and thankfully there were no thank-you-for-what-you've-done-for-Izumo declarations as the one his mother had come to tell me some weeks ago. We enjoyed a normal dinner.

Like a real family.

* * *

><p>It was Monday and I was miserable. It was cold outside and Izumo found another reason to give me a ride to work and gently forbid me to ride my bike. We'd had no time for a decent shag this morning (yes, despite my Hidan-provoked promises) and I'd found out I wasn't up for quickies anymore… at all. Not with him, anyways. I wanted a long, leisurely shag or no shag at all. I could wait for it. I would.<p>

I stuffed some more chocolate into my mouth in the meantime.

And then, in that grey, miserable, Monday moment, my phone rang.

"Hello?", I answered grumpily.

"Hello, Kotetsu…", the voice said gently. My eyes widened.

"Kiba!"

He chuckled. "Hi."

"Where are you?!"

"…I'm back."

"Where?! I'll come meet you…!"

"Woah, take it easy!", he laughed nervously. "I, eer… so… how are things going with Izumo?"

"…Okay, I guess… Kiba, look, I'm sorry…"

"No, it's ok, it's ok! Why don't you take him and meet u- me at Spade?"

"Okay…"

"Great, so tonight, at eight?"

"Yeah… Kiba, is everything alright? Are you ok?"

I could almost hear his lopsided smile. "I'm ok now. Really. See you tonight."

* * *

><p>Ah… so that's how it was.<p>

Kiba walked in, smiling, hand in hand with a tall man, dressed with black desert robes. The stranger looked creepy at first, because of the purple face paint – I recognized one of Suna's desert tribes' markings, which the men of age there wore. My first reaction to everything related to Suna was to tense, but then I remembered it was the only liberal tribe in the desert. More than liberal actually – their own leader had a wife and an official _male_ lover.

It was just like Kiba to call first and make sure I was happy with Izumo before he could allow himself to show us that he also was happy. He wouldn't do it if there was a chance I'd be alone and hurt by his newfound happiness…

I smiled to myself as they sat down and greeted us, then Kiba said, pride badly hidden in his voice "Guys, this is Kankuro. My boyfr…"

"Fiancé!", the man insisted, making Kiba's face turn deeply red.

"I didn't say yes!", Kiba hissed quietly.

"I'll make you…", the man purred. Kiba turned a deeper shade of red.

"We do not get married to other men here!"

The guy shrugged, smiling. "Not a problem. I'll snatch you back in the desert…"

Izumo was already laughing next to me; even I decided I liked the guy. Kiba, who obviously couldn't get any redder, gave a frustrated growl. "Go get me something to drink!", he ordered.

"Yes, my princess…", the guy bowed mockingly, earning himself a hard smack upside the head. Izumo laughed harder.

"Wait, I'll come with you", he said in between bolts of laugher, then stood, winked at me and walked away. The message was clear: Kiba looked so glowingly happy with that guy, that even in Izumo's possessive eyes, it was no longer a danger to leave me alone with him for a bit.

Kiba sighed dramatically and smiled apologetically. "It seems I always fall for the mysterious guys from the desert, huh?"

I grinned back. "So it seems. Does Tsume know already? Have you introduced her to her son-in-law?"

He tried to frown over his smile and waved a forefinger at me.

"It's not funny! I don't even know how he decided this! How would I ever tell my mother is something I don't even dare to think about!"

I chuckled. "Do me a favor, will you? Make sure I'm around when you tell Tsume – I don't want to miss that!", I laughed.

Kiba just growled.


	34. Chapter 34 The bird

**A.N.** Here goes the angst. But do now worry, fluff is comming up, and so is the end of the story. And don't forget - leave a review, feed an author ;)

Chapter 34 – The bird

**! Izumo POV !**

It started like any other day, normally.

The damn alarm clock rang. I groaned and dove under the blankets. Somewhere above me Kotetsu snorted.

"Come ooon….", he rasped.

Mm, sexy voice in the morning.

But still…

"No."

"We have to go to work."

"Why?"

"Eerm, they pay us for that?"

"Not enough."

"You like your job."

"Generally. When it's not cold. Now's cold. And you're warm. I like warm."

He chuckled. "You're babbling."

"I'm allowed to. It is cold and early and … that."

He laughed harder. "Sure."

"…"

"…"

"Come on. Offer me."

"Hm?", he groaned.

"Offer me a way to wake me up properly."

I could hear the smile in his voice. "Well, I can make you some really strong coffee…"

"Kotetsu", I warned.

"Whaat?", he asked innocently.

"…the other thing…"

He gave a dramatic sigh. "Oh, lover, I bribe thee with sex. There, wake up."

Moving the blankets aside I rested my head on his chest and smiled.

"Ah, when you ask so nicely…"

He ginned predatorily.

* * *

><p>The sky was stormy gray when we stepped outside. It was cold and the wind was only intensifying the chill. Something, a feeling I couldn't quite describe, clenched my gut and I shivered.<p>

"Cold again?", Kotetsu teased.

"I'm always cold", I said absentmindedly. A birdcall from above made me look towards the sky again. A few black birds were skimming over the gray streets.

"Crows", I muttered.

"Hm?", Kotetsu looked up. "What about them?"

"It's a bad omen…", I said.

He snorted. "That's what you get, being raised by three women."

I frowned, but forced a smile on my face as he teased me some more.

"Get in the car, please. Just… indulge me. Let's not argue today", I pled.

He frowned, but, after giving me a huge sigh, got inside the Mustang. I shot another look up before I took the driver's seat. The crows above us just cawed mockingly.

* * *

><p>There was a gloomy feeling hanging in the air at the station. The guys were all grumpy, some blaming the weather (Reiji and Inoichi), some – their love life or lack of such (Hidan), and some were just generally apathetic (Shikaku).<p>

"My stomach feels weird", Iruka complained, stroking his abs.

"Maybe you've eaten something spoiled", I suggested.

"Naah. It's the _weather_", Reiji declared, limping theatrically. We all knew the story of the leg that he'd broken as a boy and that hurt every time it rained. And sure enough…"My leg's killing me. It's going to rain."

"That's bullshit!", Hidan yelled. We all turned to look at him and saw he was actually shouting on his cell. "What! I'm not mocking you, just… This is stupid, Sui, and I ain't… Fine! I'll just fuck someone else!", Hidan threw the mobile on his desk. "Omens…", he muttered under his nose.

What, he too…?!

"Hey, Hidan, what…?", I started.

"What, what! Bitches' shit!", he yelled, jumping up and kicking his chair in frustration.

And that's when it happened.

The captain burst into the room and shouted, "Everyone, gather up! There's been an explosion downtown; gunshots are reported from the mall, some say even grenade launchers…"

Most of us didn't even hear him out till the end.

We were on our way.

* * *

><p>I can't really recall everything from that day. I remember certain parts though. The most important ones… the critical ones…<p>

It was a small chaos when we arrived. There was a crater in the middle of the street, rubble and pieces of pavement scattered everywhere… people, laying on the street… wounded… or dead… Women screaming and children crying in between the sound of gunshots and the rain of bullets…

"Get down, Kamizuki! Behind the car, behind the car!", the captain yelled somewhere near me. I bent down a bit and turned around. Namiashi Raidou's wide eyes scanned the scene, seemingly inspecting if all his men were present and not wounded. But if anyone was to look closely… his eyes searched for the masked covered ones of those who fought to kill, Konoha's best weapon.

ANBU.

There were seven masked people fighting along with us. Not six; seven. Genma had put on the mask again, holiday or not.

Next to the captain, Iruka's wild eyes looked between the white masks, worry and a small inner hysteria painted on his face.

I knew exactly how they felt. Somewhere there, besides Genma and Kakashi… Kotetsu was under those same bullets, a target for grenades and riffles. Even the intimate partner of an ANBU didn't know what mask their loved one hid behind. Not even the wives and husbands of the black ops knew.

Yes, I knew exactly what Iruka and the captain thought.

Was Genma the one behind the lion mask?

Was Kakashi the one behind the wild cat mask?

Was Kotetsu behind the dog mask?

Another explosion wrecked the square. Another grenade.

In the middle of the chaos of ricocheting gravel a small blond baby girl was crying, gripping a teddy bear.

"Mommyyy!"

An ANBU standing nearby turned around. Under the hood of the ANBU gear a few strands of wild black hair swung forward.

No. No, wait, Inuzuka Tsume has dark hair too…

But that was a man's body.

He turned and ran towards the child. And I knew those hands, swishing back and forth as he ran. I knew those strong legs.

"Kotetsu…"

A faceless man, an enemy, jumped up from behind his cover, his hands gripping a machine gun… wondering, aiming between the child and the ANBU.

"KOTETSU!"

The ANBU froze, turning around to look at me.

"No, no, lie down, lie dooooown!", I screamed, running towards him, waving my arms like a madman.

The ANBU cocked his head.

I jumped.

In some stories it is described how everything turns black or there is some general pain.

I felt every single bullet piercing my flesh.

"…!"

Once… twice… thrice… Four, five...

Now, the other things… those were a blur.

Like the sounds. Everything went mute for some time. I could see more bits of gravel flying around us, but heard no sound of more explosions. Someone grabbed the blond kid – she was crying, but again, there was no sound. She was whole and wasn't bleeding. Ah… okay. Good.

From then on it was all like an old, damaged movie – the sound turned on, high and making me flinch, then faded… I saw certain scenes with no connection between them…

…A shoe flying above me…

…A boy with white hair and purple eyes, gone wild with worry, screaming Hidan's name… Hidan… turning around, with a face so serious… woah… I didn't know he knew how to be serious… he was… handsome like that… He saw the boy, his eyes widened. _"Stay back, Suigetsu! Find a cover for now and… and then go home!", "But Hi-…!", "Stay back!... Stay alive. I'll see you at home, baby, just go home!"_

The scene faded…

…Iruka, running, with a small boy in his arms, pressed to his chest…

…Reiji and Inoichi, pressed back to back, shooting with both hands like in those really corny western movies…

…a mother, crying and hugging the blond baby girl…

A mask… bloodied and tossed on the ground with the rain (…rain?) pouring down on it.

"IZUMOO!.!.!"

I tried to focus my gaze. Above me the sky was torn by a lightning. A face, maskless and scrunched with pain, was bent, right above my face.

"K..tsu…"

I coughed. I coughed out blood.

"Sssh, don't, just don't… oh Kami sama!"

He was freaked out.

Oh.

It was… that bad, huh?

The battle around us had quieted down. Huh… when had it all ended? The cops were gathering the civilians, ushering the survivors towards the safer zones, helping the wounded… trying to bring order into the chaos…

My vision was blurry - Kotetsu's pained face swam in and out. Damn… I wanted to remember his face clearly. I wanted to tell him not to cry; I didn't deserve his tears… Instead, I smiled bloodily and groaned "Hey, I th-think I… see the b-bird…"

He frowned, through his tears, as if asking "What?" Of course he didn't get it – we'd had this talk so long ago.

"My tattoo… the bird… sh-shinigami…", I groaned.

"NO!", he screamed insanely, his eyes suddenly wide with realization. "I won't let you! I won't let him have you! I'll make a deal! I'll… give him something else…!"

I knew he wasn't thinking straight, but hurried to interrupt him before he could say "someone else".

"Baka… You can't fool a shi-shini…gami. You can't… fool death…."

He was shaking badly now, his face showing the level of insanity he had reached. "Ok, just… I know you can, Zumo… Ok? Just… don't die. Ok? We… we're doing just fine now, right? Please, baby… we fought so hard, we managed to get here, to make it work… Just… please don't die… I know you can, Zu… just hold on, ok? Just a lil bit more… The medics are coming… Izumo, if you stay with me… Oh, Kami…", he began sobbing in earnest. "…anything. I'll give you anything … you want… just… please…. I can't… I can't…"

I swallowed hard and tasted my own blood. I frowned in pain.

"Te…tsu…", I tried.

"I know you can, baby… I know …", he was whispering in my ear now. I doubt anyone was listening before, but now they couldn't hear a thing even if they wanted to. "I know you can. Please… for me..."

"Tetsu…"

"Yes...", he brushed off his tears and tried to smile. It looked painful.

"Okay…"

"Huh?"

"For you… I'll stay…f-for … you."

He smiled a bit more naturally now. Still strained, still worried outta his mind… but more like himself.

"Yeah?", he asked.

"Yeah…", I groaned weakly, coughing some more blood. Kami sama it hurt!

"Tetsu…"

"Yeah?"

"Give me… your hand…", I groaned. He did and I grabbed on it, as if to remain alive; by the way that he frowned slightly I could tell my grip wasn't really all that hard right now. "Need to… hold onto s-something… cuz it… f-fucking hurts!"

He bent down lower again and whispered "Don't talk… Just think about my hands, babe… embracing you, loving you…forever. Just stay alive, Zu. Stay with me…"

I'll claim later that those tears that filled my eyes then were from pain only. I wasn't gonna lie… Much.

He tried to smile encouragingly – still too nervously, but it was better than his breakdown. I heard the sirens then and a moment later I lost him of my sight as they were getting me into the ambulance. As soon as I was inside however, he jumped in too and grabbed my hand, gripping hard. I saw the look he shot at the medic then – full of hope, begging… The guy shrugged a little. _"We'll do whatever we can, but it's in Kami's hands now",_ the gesture said. Kotetsu clenched his jaw.

My eyes closed…

When I opened them later the first thing I saw was him of course. He was asleep, sitting on the chair next to my bed, head and arms on the bed itself, his hand gripping mine. He looked exhausted…

"You scared the shit outta him", someone said. I turned around and frowned a bit. I wasn't expecting… him…

As if he had read my thoughts, Kakashi said, like he was apologizing, "Iruka went for some coffee."

My eyes turned back on Kotetsu. "Wh…", I cleared my dry throat. "Why did I scare him?"

"When they brought you here, for a moment or two… there was a flat line. Kotetsu lost it. It took five guys to hold him, me and Asuma included. Genma still has a bruise under his left eye."

My eyes began itching. I lifted up a shaky hand and threaded it in his wild hair. He immediately stirred, he looked up… his eyes widened… and watered.

I vaguely heard Kakashi leaving the room, before Kotetsu grabbed my hand and started kissing it, small and quick kisses, as if he couldn't believe… His own hands were shaking badly – those strong hands, the hands of an ANBU. He suddenly grabbed me and squeezed tightly.

"Izumo…!", he whispered shakily.

"Heeeyy… it's ok now. I'm here… I'm here…"

He said nothing, just tightened his embrace. I didn't tell him I was still in pain – I just tried to hold him as tight as I could in return.

We didn't need words.


	35. Chapter 35 Body and Soul

**A.N.** Here it is, last chapter. Prepare the tissues ;)

Chapter 35 – Body and soul

**Kotetsu POV again**

It was around midnight when I stirred again from my seat next to Izumo's bed. Of course the nurses had tried to shoo me out, but one glare was enough to make it obvious I wasn't gonna leave. Well, that and the whole ANBU unit of Police Station №7, standing behind my back, I suppose. They'd let me stay in his room. Izumo on the other hand tried to lure me in the bed, next to him. But even knowing how much he liked to snuggle I didn't dare – he looked so fragile, all bandaged and barely moving, drugged with strong painkillers. I didn't even dare touch him, aside from holding his hand and placing the gentlest of kisses on his brows and nose and lips. That was enough to keep me relatively sane.

It was something he'd said a few hours ago that had shaken my world again, just like that, while we'd been talking quietly, me sitting in my chair and he – laying on the small hospital bed.

"Kotetsu… are we… I mean… are we even now?"

I'd frowned. "What?"

He'd immediately looked aside, having misunderstood me once again.

"Nothing, I just…"

"Did you throw yourself in the way of those bullets, just to make us even?!"

"NO!", he'd shouted, eyes wide and startled. "I-I… did it… to make sure you stayed alive."

I shook my head. "Don't ever do that again. Don't ever risk your life for mine. And don't… don't even think about… Haven't I told you, so many times, I forgave you, Izumo! There is nothing to be even about, okay?!"

"Okay… okay…", he'd said quietly; dejectedly.

I'd sighed. "If it's gonna make you feel better… if you demand that we keep notes… in the grand, cosmic scheme of things, yes, we are even."

His eyes had watered – I'd seen them before he'd looked down at the sheets – and he'd shrugged, forcing a small smile. "I guess I… just needed to hear that, you know? I'm sorry…"

And my chest had ached again, and I'd jumped up and grabbed him and hugged him tight, for a moment forgetting about how fragile he was right now. "Don't apologize. Don't cry, don't think about that anymore… Look, just… I need you be at peace, okay?"

He'd just snuggled closer to me, mumbling something in my chest.

"What?", I'd asked.

"I said thank you…", he'd mumbled.

"What for?", I'd frowned.

"I … after Shiki and-and… then everything that happened between us… I just… never thought that…", he sighed. "You taught me to live again, Kotetsu", he whispered.

Dumbstruck and left speechless I could only hold him, both of us shaking from the power of his confession.

That had been a few hours ago. I looked at his peaceful sleeping face now and quietly left the room.

Only to freeze again.

The waiting room was full. Iruka's bandaged head was resting on Kakashi's shoulder as freely as Tsume's head was resting on Ibiki's broad shoulders. Even a very rounded (and on a maternity leave) Kurenai was here, her head resting on Asuma's chest as his bandaged arm was flung protectively over her shoulders. Anko was snuggled next to Gai, both with scratches on their faces and arms. A dozing off Hidan was also here, with a heavy looking cast on his broken leg and a sleeping Suigetsu, wrapped possessively around him. But if that surprised me, then the presence of His Royal Apathy-ness Itachi and even Mr. Don't Give a Damn Kakuzu really shocked me. Kisame was also here, as were Reiji, Inoichi and Shikaku, but they were friends – I kinda expected them to stay for a bit. Even the captain and Genma sat next to each other, not blatantly hugging or anything, but still – closer than they'd ever allowed themselves to be in public.

They all shifted when they heard me exiting Izumo's room and suddenly all eyes were on me.

"You guys… you didn't have to…", I mumbled, still a bit shocked.

"Quit babbling. How's he?", Genma asked.

"Okay… He's okay", I all but whispered, smiling a bit.

Some relieved sighs and smiles followed that.

"Do we know who they were already?", I asked.

"Terrorists from Suna and the Mist. Both countries denied any connections with the rebels", the captain said.

I nodded, but then frowned and turned to Tsume, opening my mouth to ask her…

"They're fine, Kiba and Kankuro", she smiled a bit. "They were at the market of all places, heard the explosion and got back home. Or should I say, my stupid son ran towards the big commotion and his guy, bless him, grabbed him and just walked in the opposite direction."

I grinned. "So, erm, did they…"

"Yep. They told me. You missed it", she grinned back.

"Damn", I chuckled.

Then I turned around and looked at them all again.

"Look, guys… it means a lot and thank you for staying but… Just go home already. It was a rough night and you all look like shit…"

"Thanks man!"

"Yeah, real nice, Kotetsu!"

I smiled again. "Thanks again. All of you. Really."

Hidan was the first to sigh dramatically and stand up slowly, groaning, and supported by Suigetsu.

"Come on, bitches, the guy just shooed us off."

They laughed and began standing up one by one. I smiled again and quietly got back inside his room.

* * *

><p>Izumo's nearly suicidal act was seen by the big bosses as a shout for attention for a quite hot issue – love between police officers and ANBUs (also between two cops, two ANBUs and so on included). They argued and argued and finally allowed it with a special clause. Which was funny in a way – what, people had loved each other even before, but now they were <em>allowed<em> to?

Anyway. There _was_ a change after all. As in said people were caught making out freely in the closet rooms and even hallways, now that there was the Clause.

So, a second clause was written – "No making out/making love in the hallway damn it!"

I laughed my ass out when I read it. Izumo did too – even reopened one of his wounds and had to get stitched up again.

They kept him in the hospital for a month – it was lonely at home without him, but when I said so the doctors just glared and reminded me what a miracle it was that he was alive and in order for him to remain alive they had to keep an eye on him. Well, when they put it like that… I agree. Totally.

Bens made sure to drag me into her office and have a nice long monolog with me about how Izumo was actually right and even if I didn't admit it, even to myself, I'd needed such an act of a pure and real (insanity) sacrifice in order to really deem us even and stop digging into our past. I sat and listened and when she stopped talking, just stood up and left.

I wasn't gonna acknowledge the little voice in my head that admitted she was right.

Once Izumo was discharged (with a stern look from the doctors who very pointedly forbade any straining of his body) we made a party at the station.

Another thing that came with the battle and the clauses and everything was that the cops finally stopped hating the ANBUs and saw what cool guys we were. So we were actually able to have fun at the party now. Who would have thought some 6 months ago, huh?

What no one saw coming too was Genma's promotion to Head Commander of Police Station 7's ANBU unit. After all Kurenai was supposed to not only give birth, but also raise her child, right?

So, with his place in ANBU permanently vacated, and with me having fit in so easily, it was all pretty much decided in advance. So, yeah I was now a permanent member of ANBU.

"You look great."

I turned around and smiled. He was leaning on the door case to the bedroom, still not able to stand up on his own for longer than a few minutes. I'd found a way to cope with that which was oh-so-conveniently an excuse to hold him too. I hugged him now as well, nuzzling his neck and inhaling that scent that drove me crazy.

"How are you feeling today?"

He sighed, but didn't move back; in fact he snuggled closer. "I'm fine, Kotetsu. You worry too much."

"…Probably cuz I held you while you were…"

"I'm here", he moved back a little, only to look me in the eyes. "I'm here, Kotetsu."

I could only nod curtly, frowning a bit. I forced a smile, mostly for him, and asked, "Are you up for a party?"

He snorted. "I'll manage. Come on, let's go."

The Police/ANBU party was in full swing when we arrived – people were dancing, some of them very heatedly, others had attacked the alcohol and a certain masked ANBU had attacked Iruka in the corner. I smirked, shaking my head.

Hidan had taken his place as a DJ, but the sight of a disgruntled looking Suigentsu, glaring at his back and demanding attention, hinted he'd have to give up his role to someone else any minute now.

Kurenai and Asuma were all lovey-dovey, kissing gently (mostly playing with each others' lips and grinning like idiots) and Anko was all but performing a lap dance for a red faced (but happily red faced) Gai.

Genma was a wearing a T-shirt saying _"Nice! Just do me! … Wait, it wasn't like that…"_. He was also walking a bit funny, so Raidou, who had a positively possessive look on his face while he was checking out his own boyfriend, might as well have put on a T-shirt saying _"Just did."_

Izumo went to say hi to Reiji and the others, who cheered when they saw him, so I took the opportunity to tease Namiashi.

I chuckled as I leaned on the counter next to my former captain.

"Soo… you switched the roles, huh?", I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively.

"Hagane…!", he growled warningly; but then he smiled a small wise smile and explained quietly. "When we used to be just fuck buddies it was all about letting go. Relieving the frustration that comes with that job. Nothing more. We… we're together now. With couples… it's all about equality. Do you understand?"

I smiled slightly, if still a bit bitterly – I wasn't quite there yet, ready to give myself to Izumo, but... "Yeah. Yeah, I think I finally understand."

When I looked up he was looking at me thoughtfully, smiling like a father would. "Yeah… I think you do", he said.

The music had turned back to the recorded songs, as the DJ was currently lapful of a certain grumpy white-haired swordsman.

"But, Sui, babe…", Hidan was just saying.

The SMACK! he received on his cheek echoed even with the music background.

"Ouch! You bitch!", he yelled.

Ah. It was good to know some things never changed.

"When will ya learn that the last part of my name GETS U more of the things you want, hm?", Suigetsu asked sweetly, leaning for a kiss from the fuming cop.

A few people laughed, some shook their heads and some just continued dancing or drinking. Izumo came back next to me, leaning on me almost nonchalantly. Trying to be just as discreet I bent to whisper in his ear, "Are you okay? Do you wanna go home?"

He opened his mouth as if to say he was alright again, but then closed it and instead nodded almost shyly.

We said our goodbyes quickly and then went straight home. We took a quick shower – this time it was both needed and nice to do that together; I had to support him but it was also nice, feeling his wet and warm body next to mine. I didn't dare to get more touchy-feely because I knew where it'd lead and he was in no shape for that. So we only used our time in the shower to actually clean up.

Or at least I thought so.

When we got into the bed he suddenly was all over me, pressing his naked body to mine. At first I decided he wanted to snuggle again. But then, with a power I didn't suspect him capable of in the moment, he flipped us over till I was above him and staring down in surprise. He looked up, blushing a bit.

"You don't want to…?", he asked quietly.

I choked with outrage. "When have I ever…?!"

"Then…?"

I sighed, looking down, avoiding his gaze. "Let's just… wait some more… I mean…"

"Kotetsu…"

"Just till your wounds are properly healed…the doctors said…"

"Kotetsu."

This time his tone made me look up. He looked determined.

"I am fine."

"But… but, let's just…"

He grabbed my cock, making me hiss, and guided it slowly inside him. My eyes widened.

"Stupid! Wait… lube…!"

"Just do it slowly…"

"No, Zumo, we must…"

"Sssh… it's okay. It's okay, Tetsu… See?", he smiled slightly, still talking to me as if he were calming down a scared wild animal. "Now just breathe… Breathe with me…"

I did. He moved a bit, making my eyes close as we both moaned. He moved again, just as slowly, languidly.

"Tetsu… I need you to move with me now…Come on… slowly."

And again, I did. It was amazing. We tended to do it kind of roughly but now I saw what we'd missed. Doing it this way, slowly, had its own erotic pleasure. And I found I really liked it.

He moved just as slowly under me, but taking me deeper every time, moaning quietly. His hands scratched the skin of my nape and sometimes slid into my hair, sometimes ventured down my back, his short nails sinking into my flesh when I managed to hit his sweet spot.

"Mmmm!"

I sped up a bit, gradually, but our rhythm was still strangely slow as our climaxes built up. It had never happened to me – it had always been fast and wild, even bruising in the end. And this, now, was slowly driving me crazy. My balls tightened, my hands around him shook, my toes curled…

"Mmm…. I love you, baby… love you…", he chanted quietly, almost absentmindedly.

This was what undid me. Having that whispered in my ear, having felt that he felt that and not only said it to please me… I clenched my jaw, I didn't want to scream, not now, not when it was so perfect…

"Let go…", he breathed into my ear again.

"…Uh….Mmm…!"

"Love you…"

"Aah!"

"…Uh! Kotetsu!...", he choked out, coming between our bodies…

* * *

><p>"That was… probably my strongest orgasm, ever."<p>

Even now, as I recalled it, days later, it was still almost enough to get me hard. Goose bumps rose on my skin as my still confused brain tried to assimilate what had happened to it. This had been the first time I'd ever felt an orgasm both with my body and my mind, my soul… my whole being.

Bens sniffed quietly.

"Excuse me", she choked out, running into the bathroom.

I just smiled slightly.

He'd promised to make the apple pie again tonight.

_The end_

**A.N.** Prepare for the epilogue. The first sequel is ready and coming up soon as well. Love me and show that with some nice reviews ;)


	36. Epilogue

**A.N.** So this is the end. Yes. I am SO VERY optimistic these days! And H.I.M aren't emos like me...

In case of getting a mean response from me (like Zira did), do take a note of my current state of depression. I do generally love you. Just not now. Now I don't love anyone and no one likes me, understandably. You have been warned.

Epilogue

**_Five months later…_**

**! Third person POV !**

My name is Gekko Hayate… and this is my first day at Konoha's Police Station №7.

I don't really know what possessed me to apply for the job of a policeman, after years of working as a personal assistant. Of course I'd graduated at the Academy, some years ago, but actually committing myself to the profession hadn't been in my "To do list" when I finally finished with my education.

I admit part of the reason I applied for the job was to prove myself. To prove that I could do it, even with my "poor health" as they put it.

I took a deep breath and stepped into the station. The first person I saw was a very tired looking woman with purple hair, dressed in the black and white ANBU gear. Well… there was no one else around…

"Um… excuse me…", I tried; she turned around with a blank look. "Can you show me the policemen's room?"

She measured me with a look of slight amusement, then just pointed the door with her thumb. I thanked her and hesitantly opened the double doors.

The room was big, stacked with desks and cupboards with various documents. The guys looked busy, but not overworked. Most of them looked friendly. I opened my mouth…

"aaaAAaaAh!"

It was definitely a moan; a long, heated sound of pure pleasure. And it had come from behind a door with a sign that said it was the "Evidence Room".

I'm sure I was blushing madly. Some of the guys in the room did too, if not so hard. Others just smirked or shook their heads and a guy with white hair muttered a quiet "Damn!"

And just then in this moment a man with long black hair with red strands in it looked at me and smiled friendly.

"Yes? Can I help you?", he asked nonchalantly as if nothing had just happened.

"I… t-the free position…"

"Oh! Hi there! Hayate, right?"

"OH, FUCK!", came from the Evidence Room along with a muffled name of what sounded like "Zumo". I blushed even harder. The guy in front of me chuckled.

"Eer… yeah. Try to not mind them. ANBUs and their way of venting", he rolled his eyes. "I'm Reiji, by the way. Suzuki Reiji."

"N-nice… to meet you", I muttered.

"Hey, people! The new guy is here!", Reiji yelled, attracting their attention.

"Oh, cool! Gay or straight?", the guy with the white hair asked.

"I-I…", I stuttered.

"That's Hidan", Reiji informed me, looking sternly at the guy. "Who has a boyfriend…."

"So? I'm just asking. And…?", he looked at me, waiting .

"Um… bi?"

Hidan leered. "That's my boy!", he cheered, lifting up his fist to hit mine. I answered the gesture, still a bit confused.

Reiji introduced me to the other men, most of whom looked nice and friendly.

Just as he finished with the introductions the door opened and a guy with shaggy black hair came out, still a bit flushed, but damn he was _glowing with satisfaction_. He wore an ANBU outfit and looked a bit worn (not only from sex). Judging from the moans he'd been the bottom, but he wasn't even limping and (again judging by the moans) the other guy hadn't hold back!

Most of the guys smirked when he came out, his face still a bit pink from exertion, and Hidan meowed like a cat in heat, making the guys chuckle.

"Watch it, Hidan, he may go all ANBU on ya…", Reiji smirked, winking at the guy with the spiky hair.

"Naaah… I'd say our boy's a bit too tired…", Hidan began.

"…and satisfied…", Kisame interjected.

"…to make any effort", Hidan leered.

That's when the other man came out of the closet, his straight hair messy; he was still panting a bit. Not even saying anything he just smacked Hidan hard behind the head.

"OUCH! … Tche, possessive bitch!", Hidan growled. "I wasn't checking out your man, Kamizuki, ain't no need to slap me!"

"Just in case. You're always in heat", the man said, making the guys laugh again.

"HAGANE! KAMIZUKI!"

We all turned to see the huge man, who came out from the captain' office and was obviously the enraged captain himself.

"How many times must I tell ya not to use the evidence room to let out the steam after your missions, Hagane?!"

"You mean… every time..?", I whispered. Reiji chuckled.

"Every single time after he comes back from a _longer_ or harder mission", he said, amused.

"Kotetsu is usually on top", Hidan winked. "But sometimes they switch, though."

"And how do ya know?", Reiji smirked, making Hidan blush a little.

"Tch, the wanker gets off while listening to them", Kakuzu muttered, making Reiji and Kisame choke with laugher.

Meanwhile both the guilty boys sang a "We are sorry, Captain Namiashi" and the man went back into his office, slamming the door after him.

"Jeez, is Genma away again?", the spiky haired guy muttered.

"Yeah, a conference in Mist. Since four days ago. Three more days to go", Iruka sighed.

"Grrr, the boss would be grumpy for a week, huh? I feel sorry for ya, guys", the ANBU dressed man said.

"And how come you don't know _your_ boss is away?", Iruka asked.

The spiky haired man shrugged. "Kakashi pretty much does all the direct commanding."

That comment made Iruka blush for some reason.

The ANBU bent to kiss the man with the straight hair on the cheek, said "See ya tonight, babe" and left, accompanied by whistles. Not bothered at all by the cat-calls, but still smiling slightly, the other man finally saw me and reached out a hand.

"Hi. I'm Izumo."

"Moaning man number one", Hidan kindly translated, earning himself another smack.

I shook Izumo's hand. Hidan, still rubbing his neck, suggested "I'd wash my hand if I were ya. Ya don't know where that hand was just now…"

That's how the third smack was landed on his poor white head; something his own partner commented coolly.

"You just don't know when to stop, huh?"

And that's how my first day at the station began. Later I was going to learn that the spiky haired guy, Kotetsu, had once been the cop whose place I was filling in. That he and Izumo loved each other so much that they were ready to literally stand in the way of bullets for each other. That Hidan might look and sound like a player, but he really loved that boyfriend of his, according to the guys – enough to finally settle down after years of one-offs. That Shikaku might still look young, but he was already a grandfather of a one-month old baby girl thanks to his son and said son's Suna girlfriend. I'd learn many things and learn to really love my job and those guys, that whole place, strange as it was. It soon became my second home, my true purpose in life and, even though I didn't know it back then – the place where I, like so many of my colleagues, met the love of my life.

My time here began with a shock, but years later the memory of that would still make me smile.

**A.N.** Ah, aren't I all pink adorableness? ...I just wrote that before... certain moods decided to pop up.

Anyway, it was meant to be both funny and show that Kotetsu is finally ready for equal rights (to bottom for Izumo), hurray! Ugh... So, yeah, keep an eye for **the first sequel ****_Unexpected visit_**** - I'll upload it soon**. Will. Promise. Yeah.

So... it was a nice journey. Thanks to those who stayed with me, endured my whining and reviewed. Thanks, guys. Really.


	37. SEQUELS NOTE

**! SEQUELS NOTE !**

To those who read and reviewed this story - THANK YOU! You may want to check out its sequels:

1. Unexpected visit - oneshot, complete

2. A new beginning - multichaptered, in progress

Once again - thank you for your support

assassi


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